Seasoned in sleaze… number the 41st

After the longest nine months, one week and three days of my life, during which I have endured unendurable suffering, my wife Angelika’s second pregnancy finally terminated last Thursday at 3.16 a.m. And… having willed the new arrival to be a boy… my son… it turns out to be – inevitably – another girl.

It was decided at Cabinet that you will be detailed to make a total pillock of himself on L-Istrina

I am devastated… but I put a brave face on things; at least it will mean that my mother-in-law has no more reason to live with us. However, she doesn’t leave our house before mentally stabbing me with one final barb.

When I tell her of my disappointment at not getting my longed-for son, she retorts: “Well, that simply means you’ll have to keep on trying till you do get one. I’m certain the fault doesn’t lie at Angelika’s door. Boys run in our family.”

Thanks for that!

Monday:

In the aftermath of the fall of Gaddafi, our politicians… of all complexions are doing their best to distance themselves from him, his family and his regime.

But there is something inherently underhanded about a piece in today’s L’Orizzont quoting me as saying, 10 months ago that: “Colonel Gaddafi is one of the world’s great statesmen.” When what I think I said was: “That beast Gaddafi is one of the world’s most hated men.”

I was obviously misquoted.

Tuesday:

As my constituents well know… I am a great supporter of the local warden system. And I continuously praise them, often against the odds.

But today – since it’s my driver’s day off, I have to drive myself to the ministry in my own car. I park in front of the offices as usual, then later I am appalled to find a parking ticket on my windscreen. Some ******* jobsworth warden has exceeded his or her duty… again!

Don’t these idiots know I am a privileged person? How dare they!

Wednesday:

My anxieties about keeping my position as PS for Creative Indolence at the Ministry of Lethargy are re-awakened today.

I am initially apprehensive when my minister appears early in his office at the previously unheard of time of 10.15 a.m. My fears are stoked when he immediately summons me to his office.

I am in a blind panic when the first thing he says to me is: “Sit down, I have something I have to tell you and I don’t think you’re going to like it.”

Now sweating profusely and trembling, I listen as he breaks the news to me thus: “I’m afraid it was decided at Cabinet that you… yes you, will be the government’s representative detailed to make a total pillock of himself on this year’s edition of L-Istrina. Sorry old chap.” I almost feel I’d sooner be fired.

Thursday:

It’s been alleged, in some branches of the media, that my local Premier League football team – of which I am president, has been involved in some form of corruption.

I am shocked and immediately refute such claims. At least I’m prepared to do so, just as long as the committee cut me in on any of the accruing loot.

Friday:

I am invited on the panel of an edition of Xarabank dealing with ‘responsible parenting’. I assume this is as a result of my just becoming a father… again.

When asked by Peppi if I consider myself a modern, hands-on father, I reply: “Absolutely – and to prove it – whenever my new daughter cries in the night, I take it upon myself to wake up my wife in order to tell her to get up and deal with it.”

I think the whole audience was impressed.

Saturday:

In the wake of all the recent public dissatisfaction with the new bus service, today I receive a rather bizarre request. I am visited at home by a delegation from my village’s local council – led by the mayor.

He asks me whether I have any objection, in principle, to the council erecting a statue to a certain Leli Mangion Borg. Who? He explains that this gentleman, who recently expired, used to operate his own bus in the previous public transport arrangement.

He was well known for his foul language and even fouler demea­nour. But… the mayor says: “He was always on time… more or less, and he ran efficiently. Compared with the current system he was a saint.”

I therefore wholeheartedly agree .