For better or for… even better still…

“Darling?”

You want to get divorced, just ’cos you voted for divorce and the pro-divorce lobby won?!

“Yes my precious.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course, what is it?”

“Do you love me?”

“You know I do.”

“No I mean… really, really love me?”

“More than anything in the world.”

“Hmm… More than Sky Sports?”

“Yes, of course.”

“More than Jennifer Lopez’s… well, more than Jennifer Lopez?”

“Absolutely… look, where is this going?”

“Shall we… shall we get divorced?”

“What!? What brought this on?”

“No, I just thought… you know, now we can and all that… erm.”

“Now we can – as you put it – do a lot of things like… now we can, erm, be rude about Gaddafi and Mintoff and not be afraid of the consequences. Now we can buy whatever make of colour TV we like and not have to bribe a minister. Now we – ”

“No, don’t be silly. After all the time we’ve been married, I just thought we might like a change, that’s all.”

“No thank you, I’m quite happy with you. Aren’t you happy with me?”

“Well… ”

“You’re not happy with me?”

“It’s not that, it’s… just that I fancy a change.”

“Oh great! After – what is it – nine whole months of marital bliss, you’re fed up with me and want a change, is that it?”

“Well… yeah, sort of.”

“Terrific! Listen sweetie pie. When we tied the knot way back in January, we did it for better, for worse… until death us do part etcetera.”

“Yeah, I know but… We didn’t know it would be possible to get a divorce back then, did we?”

“Look… in order to get a divorce – any divorce – you need grounds.”

“We’ve got grounds… nearly one-and-a-half tumoli – and that’s not counting the front garden.”

“Not those sort of grounds… you need a reason or reasons to end the marriage. Stuff like… violence, have I ever beaten you?”

“Huh, just try it. I’m bigger than you.”

“Well quite. Have I ever gone out with other women… once we were married?”

“I dunno, have you?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Pity.”

“Have I ever asked you to perform any… ahem, unnatural acts?”

“Ooh. That sounds like a good one.”

“Well have I?”

“No… worse luck.”

“In the nine – according to you – long months we’ve been married, have I ever deserted you?”

“You mean like… gone off and left me?”

“Exactly.”

“Well… ”

“Well what?”

“There was that time you stayed late at your cousin Manuel’s place and didn’t phone to say you were staying to watch the match.”

“I tried phoning your mobile, but for three hours the number was constantly engaged.”

“Oh yeah. I was on the phone to Mummy.”

“Figures.”

“No, I just thought that after nine whole months, we’d both fancy a change… or something.”

“Just like that.”

“Well, now that Malta’s got divorce… I mean, it’d be a pity to waste it.”

“So we get divorced, for no reason… just like that.”

“Oh, we’ve got reason.”

“No we haven’t, I’ve just been through all that. We – ”

“Er, sorry darling, but we do have a reason… reasons.”

“Do we? What are they?”

“I um… I’ve been seeing – if you know what I mean – been seeing your cousin Manuel, since early June.”

“Manuel? But he’s gay… isn’t he?”

“Er ,no, he’s not. He’s definitely not.”

“I don’t know what to say… I –”

“Don’t say anything. Least said – soonest mended. So can we have one then?”

“A divorce?”

“Yeah.”

“No, no way… anyway I voted against.”

“But I voted for… and we won.”

“So let me get this straight. You want us… after a blissfully happy nine months… to get divorced, just ‘cos you voted for divorce and the pro-divorce lobby won?!”

“No, no I want a divorce so that I can marry your cousin Manuel.”

“But he’s married already... to that German guy, Wolfgang. Didn’t they get a civil partnership in Cologne?”

“No, course they didn’t. Wolfgang and he were never an item. So can I have one then?”

“A divorce?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know what to say… ”

“Oh, go on, be a sport. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

“Well, if you put it like that. Er…”

“What?”

“Do you happen to have Wolfgang’s number?”