The silly season is alive and upon us

It’s that time of year again. You know, when the media are struggling for news stories... any news stories. So they tend to – shall we say – extemporise. Not invent stuff, of course; no, that would never do, just... well, let’s check out a few headers and see whether there is any truth in them.

Incidentally, I have included one genuine header among an awful lot of fantasy. See if you can spot the real header.

Here’s one to get your juicesflowing:

‘Aliens sighted in Magħtab’

No, a saucer hasn’t landed on top of Mount Magħtab, disgorging little green men. The story below the header is somewhat more prosaic:

“Several aliens or foreign residents were today spotted on a nature ramble in the vicinity of Magħtab...”

See, it depends what you mean by aliens.

And upping the ante a trifle:

‘Politician accused of not lying to the public.’

Wow! Read on:

“The government spokesperson for whiter-than-white politics was today accused of blatantly speaking the truth when he said that...”

But no, it’s okay. The truth will out, and in an immediate retraction the reporter admitted that this same politician had – in fact – been lying through his teeth all along. Phew!

But if you want a really gross example of the stuff the media has to resort to during the silly season, get a load of this:

‘Arriva buses start arriving atfare stages at strictly five-minute intervals.’

Fair enough, that is a little far-fetched... even for Arriva.

But following on from that improbable header, try thisone:

‘Austin Gatt admits he made a complete mess over the new bus service.’

Even more implausible... right. Well, it is the silly season.

Even sillier is:

‘Prison not full of drugs, director insists.’

Oh yeah? And Il-Pips has just joined a Trappist monastery.

And still on the theme oh... ahem... recreation:

‘Female Swedish English language student discovered in Paceville... stone cold sober.’

Well, I imagine it has happened, but not too often I guess.

But if you’re looking for unlikely headers, here’s one to stretch credibility to breaking point: ‘Estate agents voted most trusted, nay cuddly, branch of society.’ See, I said it would beggar belief, but in the silly season anything can happen... or not, as the case may be.

But if you want a really sensational page one lead for the silly season, how about this:

‘Scientists from Malta and Cyprus launch joint satellite in Grand Harbour.’

That should have read: ‘Scientists from Malta and Cyprus set-alight joint on launch in Grand Harbour.’

Doesn’t have the same ring at all, does it.

In the same spooneristic idiom, the following might be an intriguing header:

‘Malta to ban petrol and diesel vehicles from its roads from January 2013.’

Ooh, erm... but read on: ‘Malta is to push for a massive increase in electric-powered vehicles, starting in 2013.’

Hey, it could happen.

A story concerning one of our home-grown ‘personalities’ is always an attention grabber, especially when there’s little else to write about. So why not: ‘TVM ‘comedy’ superstar Lou Bondi in three-in-a-bed romp with Eileen Montesin and Silvio Berlusconi.’

No, I don’t believe it either. Actually that’s the sort of story that drives news editors into rehab.

If you want a story to make all the intellectuals sit up and take notice:

‘Lost Shakespeare play found in Malta.’

But if you read on...

‘Angelo Buttigieg Scalpello, aged 16, of Form 4A, St Stacey’s Secondary School, Benghisa, who lost his copy of William Shakespeare’s Love’s Labours Lost just before this year’s GCSE exams, has happily just found it ... under his desk.’

Believe me, anything is a story at this time of year.

And let’s end with a header that will make even the most cynical and jaded reader sit up and take notice:

‘Malta beats Germany 3-1 in World Cup qualifier.’

No way! Please read on:

‘Malta inflicted a crushing defeat 3-1 on mighty Germany in the first qualifying match of the Subbuteo World Cup... ‘

I thought there must be a catch.

Happy Silly Season... enjoy.