Don’t call us... we won’t call you

Question: Why is something which is considered illegal in most other civilised countries, carried out openly and shamelessly here in Malta?

I am referring to the intrusive and insidious practice of cold-calling. You know, when you get that irritating telephone call, just after you arrive home from a hard and stressful day at the office.

The person on the other end of the line – who always seems to be some insufferably chirpy adolescent... male or female – and who addresses you by your name, although you don’t know them and they don’t know you.

Here’s a typical example of what I’m talking about – and a moderately effective method of dealing with it:

“Ah good evening Mr Camenzuli, (And that’s another thing; how did they get my name, we are ex-directory) it’s Sharon here – ”

“Who?”

“Sharon from NBG Cable. Are you aware of all the brand new channels we are bringing online next month?”

“Sharon who?”

“Sharon erm... Sharon from NBG Cable... starting on the first of next month you will be able to receive on NBG Cable the all-new DIY Channel.”

“Does it show porn?”

“Por – erm, no it... um, it’s a wonderful channel containing lots of interesting programmes about home improvements and –”

“If it doesn’t show porn I’m not interested.”

“Also coming online next month will be the wonderful Africa Wildlife Channel and – ”

“Does that show porn?”

“No, it features some marvellous programmes about... well, African wildlife.”

“Not interested.”

“Well, then maybe you’re a sports fan. From the first of next month NBG Cable will be introducing the all-new World Class Lacrosse Channel. Exciting top-class lacrosse matches from all over the world and only available exclusively here on NBG Cable.”

(Pause)

“Yeah, but... does it show any porn?”

“I don’t think... but hey... there’s more. What promises to be one of our most popular channels and is absolutely exclusive only to NBG Cable is the brand, spanking new... wait for it... interactive Singing Nuns Channel. Direct from Rome it means you can join in with the hymns and chants and interact with the sisters as they – ”

“I assume that doesn’t show any porn either.”

“No, but... it does show... interactively and exclusively to NBG Cable lots and lots of nuns singing.”

“And that’s it?”

“Well, more or less, yes. But if you are interested in lifestyle programmes, next month and absolutely only on NBG Cable, we shall be carrying – exclusively – and direct from the UK... the Basket Weaving Channel.”

“But no porn.”

“Afraid not, no.”

“Then you’ve been wasting my time and yours haven’t you.”

“But if you happen to be interested in –”

“I’m not, I’m only interested in watching porn... Lovely looking girls with great big – ”

“Then I’m afraid we can’t help you.”

“Too bad... who did you say you were representing again?”

“Oh, um... NBG Cable.”

“Then why the hell are you ringing me? I got rid of yourcable service over a year ago. Goodbye.”

You can use the same approach, with obvious variations, when confronted with cold callers trying to sell you double glazing, white goods andrubbishy ornaments... or indeed, dodgy travel firms that pitch you with a spiel about package holidays or timeshare.

Like this:

“Good evening, Mr Camenzuli. This is Brian here. We represent Bogus Travel Ltd and we – (Why do they always say we... is there more than one person on the end of the phone?) – we understand that you travel abroad at least twice a year. (How do they know that? Do they have a mole at Immigration?)

“...And we would like to make you aware of some of our fabulous all-inclusive holiday packages. From just €500 a head we can do you an amazing 10-day package... air fares, three-star accommodation on bed and breakfast, plus excursions in sunny Somalia. For an additional –”

Sorry, I never found out what the ‘additional’ was, I’d put the phone down by then. I think, but I’m not certain, that cold-calling is illegal in the EU. So why does it still go on here unabated?

Answers on a postcard...