Wuff justice – a dog speaks out

Yes, I know what you’re thinking: how can a mere dog write a newspaper column?

Well, I am a very intelligent dog – mixed breed, naturally, so not constrained by the exigencies of a pedigree. Anyway, my man has this week graciously agreed to allow me to – as it were – usurp his column.

And the reason for his magnanimous dispensation should be obvious; it is the totally unwarranted banishing from beaches of us canines – and the warped reasoning behind this. We dogs have apparently been classified, along with lepers and outcasts, as somehow unclean and unacceptable in modern Maltese society. What utter balderdash! Dogs unclean? Oh purleez!

There is an apparent misconception that we klieb may – or possibly will – crap all over the pristine sea shore. Not so! And even if we do, our people are supposed to carry plastic bags or other receptacles with them in order to pick it up and deposit it in waste bins; so there!

Anyway, go take a look at some of the more secluded nooks and crannies around Qui Si Sana and such places: those prime examples of faecal material you will see dotted around the foreshore are certainly not the product of any of my species... but have been dumped – literally – there by two legged defecators, aka homo sapiens.

And what’s all this garbage I read about dogs no longer being allowed to swim in the – oft polluted – sea with our people, in areas cordoned off for so-called safe swimming?

So where are we allowed to swim, pray, in areas unsafe for swimming? According to that dysfunctional rabble, aka the Sliema council, we canines are far too dirty to mingle with humans in the sea.

Ha! Have you seen the state of some of these so-called clean humans? I, at least, am subjected to a daily grooming and frequent immersion in soapy water.

Then, it’s decided we may be responsible for passing on a myriad of nasty water-borne diseases to said unclean human people. Give me strength! How many Maltese citizens have you seen suffering from a nasty bout of distemper or leishmaniasis?

Also, they are worried we may urinate, or worse, in the sea where humans are swimming. This is the one that really makes me laugh. Some, in fact quite a few, men, women and kids only go into the sea in order to take a leak. You know exactly what they are doing as they stand waist-deep in the shallow end with a contented smirk on their faces, for just as long as it takes them to manage a number one.

Tell me, when did you last see a dog relieve him or herself in the sea? We’d never do that, besides there are no trees or lamposts in the sea, so there’s nothing to prop our legs against.

So we and our people are being unjustly banished to swimming areas considered too dangerous for anyone else. Ergo, it’s alright for a dog owner or a dog to drown or get smashed to a pulp against the rocks but not for people unaccompanied by a canine. Laughable!

And it’s not just the beaches that we’ve been barred from by those canine-chastising councillors from Sliema; we can now no longer enjoy a stroll in any of the localities’ public gardens either.

For heaven’s sake, why? What harm could we do? I personally have yet to see a child or an old lady savaged by a poodle maddened by an excess of dry dog food!

And if they are going to churn out that old defecation chestnut again, then supply poop bins so that our people can scoop up any dog poo and place it into said bins. Common sense, but that seems to be at a premium among Sliema’s council members.

And finally I’d like to thank my person for turning over his column to me – for just one week only. You know it is true: man is indeed dog’s best friend... unless of course he happens to be a Sliema local councillor.