Play up, play up and play the game

Stop the presses! Hold the front page! Top news! Sylvanus has managed to get his hands on the transcript of the last meeting of the body charged with dealing with some of the more brutish on-field elements of Malta’s version of the beautiful game: footie. And here it is.

“Right then gentlemen, today we are faced with probably the worst-ever case of on-field thuggery that I – and probably any of you – have come across. So without further ado, let’s take a look at it.

“It concerns a very disgraceful event that occurred during the closing stages of the Meltensis Cup match between Bengħajsa Hornets and Ħas-Siġar Blues. According to the referees’ report, an extremely serious incident occurred near the end of the game, which incidentally the Hornets were winning by one goal to nil, that deserves our urgent attention.

“The incident concerned the Hornets’ central defender – a certain Spiro Tanti-Mears and the Blues striker – a certain Geoffrey Quattromani.

“Apparently, with just 30 seconds of added-on time remaining, Mr Quattromani was dribbling the ball into the Hornets’ penalty area when he was felled from behind by a crude and illegal challenge from Mr Tanti-Mears. The referee, Joe Bartolo-Xuereb, quite rightly pointed to the penalty spot. At which point, according to this same ref, all hell broke loose.

“Mr Tanti-Mears was seen to be the aggressor when – on the awarding of the penalty kick – he rushed straight for the referee, Mr Bartolo-Xuereb, and punched him so hard that he – the referee – fell to the ground. Not content with this, Mr Tanti Mears then proceeded to kick the poor ref repeatedly in the mouth, until all his – the ref’s – teeth were either dislodged or lying on the turf beside him.

“Mr Tanti-Mears then turned his aggressive intentions onto the afore-mentioned Mr Quattromani and proceeded to pummel this gentleman until he – Mr Tanti-Mears – was forcibly restrained by seven, yes seven of his own team mates.

“The result of this disgraceful fracas was that the referee had to be taken from the field and transported to Mater Dei Hospital, where he spent the next nine days in the ITU. Happily, the prognosis is that he is expected to make a full recovery... but it is a given that he will never be able to blow a whistle ever again.

“This is the case upon which we have to adjudicate. My own view – and I’m sure that of all of you – is that, since this is the most serious case ever of on-field violence during a match, we should treat it with the seriousness it deserves.

“And I am proposing we should impose the severest ever punishment on this player, Mr Tanti-Mears. Therefore, I suggest that we ban him from all football for a period of 10 years and impose a cash fine on top of this of €7,000, which we should donate to the badly injured referee to ensure that he gets the best possible dental treatment.

“All those in favour? Excellent; carried unanimously.”

The guilty player appealed against the sentence – and the following is the result of his appeal.

“In the opinion of the Council for Appealing Misdemeanours Or Random Regulatory Activities (Camorra), this verdict is far from being satisfactory. The proposed fine is excessive in the extreme and, far from fining Mr Tanti-Mears, he should have been heartily commended for livening up what had been a pretty dull football match.

“So this council is overturning the fine and instead... awarding the same Mr Tanti-Mears the sum of €500 as compensation for any distress this whole unfortunate business may have caused him.

“Further, we unanimously feel that, while we deplore any act of unprovoked aggression on the football field, the 10-year suspension proposed by the Malta Football Injury Association (Mafia) is much too severe for such a trifling offence.

“Nevertheless we feel that some suspension should ensue. So we are altering the suspension period that Mr Tanti-Mears should serve to the first half of the first match of the new season.

“In this way we are both punishing this trivial error and sending a strong message to any other potential miscreants that this sort of behaviour will not be tolerated.”

Justice has been served.