Welcome aboard Arriva coach liner

“Welcome aboard this Arriva Super luxury coach liner. We will soon be leaving the terminus here in Valletta and heading north towards our eventual destination, which is Route 42, the Ċirkewwa Gozo Ferry terminal.

“This is a fully automated super luxury coach liner equipped with the most up-to-date facilities for maximum efficiency and passenger comfort. Yes everything is automated… everything except the driver – and we’re working on that too.

“So, without further ado, I hand you over to our driver who has a few words for you.”

“Good mornink dis is your drivair of Arriva Super luxury coach liner from Route 42, Lel – Emmanuel Ellul Montebello, who mus’ speak wid you. We mus’ be travelling in a norderly directions from here in de Valletta tairminus via Floriana, Pietà, Msida, Birkirkara, Mosta, San Pawl il-Baħar, Xemxija, Mellieħa, Għadira and Ċirkewwa.

“Our journey she mus’ take xi 45 minutes… if we don’t got no heavy traffics is it. De wedder at our final destination she is sunny and de ground temperature at Ċirkewwa she is currently 31 degrees Celsius. So goodbye from me and I hope you make nice journey ‘wid’ us ey.

“As we are about to depart from the terminus here in Valletta may I ask you all to fasten your seat belts please… and to keep them fastened for you comfort and safety throughout the journey.

“In the event of an accident or a sudden loss of pressure in the Arriva Super luxury coach liner, carnival masks will drop down from above your seat. Please put these on immediately, then it will give you something to do by scaring all the kids on board until the emergency passes… or you are all exterminated.

“If you look at the back of the seat in front of you, you will see a nine-inch screen, on which will be displayed a selection of films... once you have inserted the appropriate fee into the slot next to the screen.

“For those of you who will be taking the full journey to Ċirkewwa with us, after placing €10 in the appropriate slot, you may choose from our extensive library of full-length movie blockbusters… such as: Gone With The Wind, 24 Hours and The Forsythe Saga.

“For those of you travelling mid distances to, say, Birkirkara or Mosta, on inserting just €5 you may select from a series ofsit-coms such as Friends, Frasier… and for the intellectually challenged, ‘Allo ‘Allo or Mind Your Language.

“And we haven’t forgotten you short hop passengers either. For those of you who will be with us only as far as Floriana or Pietà, upon inserting the fee of €2 into the appropriate slot, there is available a selection of vintage 1970s Xandir Malta TV commercials to enjoy. For the benefit of those tourists unfamiliar with ourMaltese vernacular, the words Ixtri, ixtri, ixtri mean purchase, purchase and… er purchase.

“For those of you who would prefer an audio experience on the journey, we have a selection ranging from Gustav Mahler’s hour-long fifth symphony, via selections from the Mary Spiteri songbook, right down to advertising jingles again from 1970s Xandir Malta. The fees in decreasing order range from €10 for the Mahler… right down to 10 cents for each jingle.

“In order not to disturb your fellow passengers in this Arriva Super luxury coach-liner, headphones are available on inserting a €10 note into the appropriate slot in the console in front of you.

“Once we are under way the fully automated refreshments trolley will make its way down the centre aisle. In order to obtain a soft drink, just insert a €5 note into the slot on the trolley’s side and take the drink can from the dispenser in the front of the trolley.

“We hope you enjoy your experience of travelling in this Arriva Super luxury coach liner and that we will have the pleasure of hosting you on another occasion.

“And remember, Arriva Super luxury coach liners are the only sensible and comparatively inexpensive way to travel around the Maltese Islands. Besides, even if you do decide to take your own car out, Austin’s made damn sure there’ll be nowhere to park!”