Why we are whiter than white…

“Ladies and gentlemen, as officially appointed members of the newly constituted Board Against Corruption and Kindred Unethical Practices (BACKUP) it is incumbent on all of us to deal with this matter without fear or favour.

Indeed it is my… our sworn duty to seek out and punish corruption in the Maltese islands wherever and whenever we encounter it… agreed?”

“Mumble, mumble.”

“Excellent, now our very first task is to look into the alleged perpetration of corrupt practices in the Department for Value Added Tax (VAT department). Now then –”

“Mr Chairman… ”

“Yes Geoffrey?”

“I hate to bring this up but… well my brother Charles does hold a rather important post in said VAT department, so I was wondering if… ”

“…If you should be absent when this particular item is discussed?”

“Erm no… I was wondering if – ahem – we could just maybe… er, possibly… erm, not discuss this particular case of alleged – and let’s not forget it is only alleged – corruption… erm…?”

“Mr Chairman?”

“Alex. Yes?”

“I entirely agree with Geoffrey; surely there are more pressing cases to discuss and solve, before we stir up the hornets’ nestthat may or may not be the VAT department.”

“I see, Alex, so you also have a brother with an exalted position in the VAT department, right?”

“Cousin actually… but we are very close.”

“I would really have loved to sort out this VAT mess, but I’m prepared to put its postponement to the vote. Those in favour of postponing the VAT department investigation indefinitely… raise your right hand. I see, all of you. Brothers, cousins?”

“Erm, my husband actually, Mr Chairman.”

“Brother-in-law?”

“Second cousin twice removed… and like Alex, we are a close-knit family.”

“I see right, okay so we’ll put the VAT department investigation on the back burner for the time being and move on to – yes Marthese?”

“Well, Mr Chairman, I have come across the most blatant case of corruption I have ever encountered and – I feel this board has the right… nay duty to investigate.”

“If, as you say, this is indeed an extreme case, then certainlywe will probe the matter. Pray continue.”

“Thank you, Mr Chairman. As you know I happen to live In San Giuseppe Street, Ħas-Siġar… number 37, actually.”

“So?”

“Well, precisely three years, four months and 14 days ago I applied to the Ħas-Siġar local council to locate a street lamp outside – or close to my house.”

“And?”

“Well, Mr Chairman… last week this street lamp was indeed installed – but outside my next door neighbour’s property… not mine. And – I have reliable information that said neighbour actually bribed a member of the local council in order to ensure that it would be his property that would be illuminated and not mine. A clear case of heinous corruption.”

“Erm, yes, well… while I’m sure we all sympathise with Marthese over this particular case, we do – so to speak – have rather bigger fish to erm… fry. Dennis, would you bring up the case I asked you to look into… erm.”

“Certainly Joe, I mean Mr Chairman. Just lately, stories have begun appearing in the press and via the internet that our esteemed Minister for Financial Irregularities has used the services of a recently bankrupted landscape gardener to re-pot his geraniums… in return for covert patronage and –”

“Er, Mr Chairman… sorry to interrupt but…”

“Yes, what is it Mavis… no, don’t tell me. The minister in question just happens to be your brother, cousin, plumber, greengrocer?”

“No, nothing like that; but the landscape gardener we are talking about just happened to have laid my crazy paving path… as a reciprocal favour for giving his eldest son maths private lessons. So…

“Ah right. Moving straight on, I now really do have to draw the board’s attention to – what I deem to be – possibly the worst case of blatant corruption I have come across. It concerns the activities of Persiano Turnkey Contractors Ltd in allegedly paying bribes to officials at the Public Works Department in order to be given lucrative contracts in –”

“Um… ”

“Yes, Neville, you’re going to tell me Persianos are your brothers, cousins… what have you, right?”

“Erm, well no… actuallyPersianos is me! I… am he.”

“Ah… right. Well in that case I think we’d better take a close and thorough look at Marthese’s problem. All in agreement? Marthese… the floor is yours.”