It’s never too late to be a more positive parent

With 100 new cases of child abuse reported every month, Appoġġ has recognised the importance of educating parents on the alternatives to violence. Jo Caruana speaks to Ruth Sciberras about the vital role of positive parenting.

It’s 7 p.m. on a Tuesday evening and Tina* is feeling frustrated, angry and overwhelmed. Her seven-year-old son, Darren*, is acting up by shouting, being rude and generally proving too boisterous to handle.

Tina snaps. She lashes out violently, hitting Darren hard across the face and head, unable to hold back for a minute longer.

This isn’t unusual – in fact, it has been happening more and more lately; she doesn’t like it, but she doesn’t know what else to do.

For a moment it is quiet, as Darren recoils in horror, not believing his mother could hit him yet again.

But it doesn’t last and, before anyone knows it, he is back to his old ways, and Tina’s rage begins to bubble again.

Where will it end?

“Unfortunately, this sort of scenario isn’t unusual,” explains Ruth Sciberras, Appoġġ’s children’s services manager. There’s a story behind it, of course. In this particular case, Tina was battling her own resentment towards Darren’s father, who had been very violent towards her in the past.

It’s not Darren’s fault that all his mother can see when she looks at him is his father’s horrific actions, but that is the sad fact. It was our job to step in and try to explore how Tina and Darren can build on, and improve, their relationship – which is exactly where the Positive Parenting Campaign comes in.

Launched last year, the movement was inspired by the Blue Ribbon Campaign in the US, which saw a bereaved grandmother striving to raise awareness in memory of the grandson she’d lost to domestic violence.

“Around 100 new cases of child abuse are referred to Appoġġ every month,” continues Sciberras. “Physical abuse is the most common. When a child’s school notices bruising or other injuries, and informs us, we investigate each case in as much detail as possible, and work towards a resolution that protects all those involved.”

But Appoġġ found telling parents not to hit their children was not enough; they needed to provide them with a more tangible solution.

Thus, their social workers have since been receiving training in positive parenting, and have been given the skills to educate parents on how best to deal with their children’s behaviour.

Put simply, positive parenting involves relaying parenting techniques that are based on love, encouragement, discipline, care and a positive environment. Appoġġ works directly with parents to inspire other methods of discipline that will have far more positive results than violence.

“It is a type of parenting that is free from abuse or violence that leads children to grow up secure, disciplined and confident,” she continues. “We encourage parents to stop criticising when possible, and to learn to reinforce positive behaviour instead.”

For instance, instead of saying how annoyed they are that the child keeps their bedroom messy, they should turn the situation on its head and, when it is the case, praise them for being neat. It is simple changes such as these that can really make a difference.

The good news is that is never too late to start employing positive parenting techniques. As Sciberras explains, it will take more energy and effort as children get older, but one should still try it.

“Of course, there are going to be moments when everyone is overwhelmed and struggling to cope, but if you all pull the same rope, you’ll become stronger together. We feel it is a very important message to impart, and we’re going to work very hard at getting it across.”

As a result, the campaign is now very much up and running and those involved believe regular education and awareness will help make all the difference to children living in abusive situations.

Meanwhile, Appoġġ is asking anyone who suspects a case of child abuse to call the helpline on 179 and report it.

“You can remain anonymous,” explains Sciberras, “but do give as many details as possible. The sooner something is brought to our attention, the sooner we can investigate it and get the ball rolling towards improving life for both their children involved and their families.”

*Names have been changed.

Positive parenting – Tips to make it work

• Listen to your children and establish a routine. If children have a structured life, they tend to feel more secure as they know what is going to happen next.

Of course, life needs to be flexible, but knowing that, for instance, on a Monday they go to grandma’s after school, helps them cope – and makes them less likely to get anxious and act out.

• Be consistent. If you are going to set a rule, make it clear and simple, especially if your children are still young.

It’s better to follow through on a punishment that states they cannot watch television for 15 minutes because they were naughty, than one that bans television for a week.

Choose your punishment, stick to it and follow it through, as this will help you to gain your children’s respect.

• Criticise their behaviour, not them. Instead of telling your child you hate them when they make a mess, tell them you hate the mess. Show them that it’s their actions, not them, that have made you upset.

• Children crave attention, so don’t only show it to them when they are misbehaving.

If a child knows you will show him attention when he’s naughty, then you’re sending a clear message that that’s what he has to do at all costs. Shower praise and attention for good behaviour instead.

• Make it clear that actions have consequences, right from when they are young. If they want to hit their brother or sister, then they are going to have to deal with the fact they will be punished.

Tell them they will have to stop or be sent to their room. By offering clear choices you encourage your children to make mature decisions.

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