They call it ‘Wet and Wild’ in Orlando for a reason; by the time you are standing on a trap door above a 25-metre drop, it’s too late to back out.
The instructor tells you to cross your arms, then there’s a terrifying pause until the trap door opens like the gates of hell, gravity exerts itself and you’re falling too fast to scream down an almost vertical slide. Water sprays mercilessly into your face and just as you think you’re going to drown, it’s all over.
Only the Americans would call a ride like this the ‘bomb bay’ and actually shape it like a missile, but Orlando is nothing if not all American – high adrenaline and highly amusing as long as you throw yourself feet first into it – literally in this case.
Orlando is of course synonymous in most people’s minds with a very particular pair of black ears; Disney World is the main draw here. As a child I yearned to go, but my parents had too much sense and stuck to camping holidays in the south of France or youth hostels inEngland’s glorious Lake District.
Consequently, by the time I made it to Orlando, I was considerably more cynical than my eight-year-old self and strongly suspected that Mickey andMinnie were more intent on parting me from my tourist dollar than embracing me in agenuinely loving cuddle. I had a free ticket though, so through the hallowed gates I went.
Cynics are not welcome in Disney World. It’s no use raising a warning eyebrow and scowling furiously as a giant chipmunk bears down on you for a hug or snorting with derision as Snow White and a dwarf dance in a curiously lumbering fashion due to their heavy costumes.
Everyone here is buying the dream wholesale and even if you’re an adult with no children in tow, you simply have to ‘go Disney’.
It happens quite quickly – I can guarantee that within 30 minutes, the most hardened freethinker will be wearing an ‘I love Mickey’T-shirt and having their photo taken in front of Cinderella’s castle (either that or they’ll be having a quiet breakdown on a grass verge somewhere).
You’ve got to hand it to theDisney team; the rides are pretty impressive. Space Mountain takes you 55 metres up amountain in the dark then drops you, utterly disorientated, into a whooshing black hole, while Expedition Everest flings a railway car into dead ends and hairpin turns at alarming speed.
But there’s no escaping the fact that Disney is much more fun if are either under the age of 13 or a parent of such a person, fulfilling the dream of your wide-eyed offspring.
A day of dancing cartoon figures and piped music was as much as I could handle, and having been conquered by Disney, it was on to the rest of Orlando.
My first mistake was to try walking anywhere. Pavements are non-existent or suddenly turn into eight-lane twisting overpasses. The car is king and having failed to hire one, I spent a lot on taxis (which were, at least, plentiful).
First stop was the shopping malls. How good a deal you get depends heavily on the exchange rate, but even if you’re not getting many bucks for your euro, the prices in some of the designer outlet malls are still extraordinary compared to Malta. Branded goods such as Nike, Timberland, Gap and Donna Karen are a bargain.
One of the best shopping centres for these kind of deals is the Orlando Premium Outlet Stores, but the city is a shoppers’ paradise and pretty much everywhere you turn, you’ll find a mall drawing in shoppers like devout worshippers to the temple to the America’s true God – consumerism.
Once you’re done with shopping, there’s the eating. All-you-can-eat-buffets rule and they start at about $10. You can find everything, from high class seafood and lobster buffets to Chinese, pizza, steak and everything in between.
If buffets don’t float your boat, then you’re still spoilt for choice. Portion sizes are huge, so with a doggy bag or two, your dinner will do for tomorrow’s sandwiches. Don’t forget to tip – it’s virtually obligatory in the US and if you don’t give around 15 per cent, things will get nasty.
After a few days in Orlando, I began to feel slightly ill at the sheer scale of the excess – whether it’s shopping, eating or pleasure-seeking, it’s on an epic scale here. It was time to escape, and surprisingly, there’s a truly amazing world of wildlife and nature right on the doorstep which puts the schmaltz of Disney’s Animal Kingdom to shame.
Rock Springs State Park is a great way to find it, about 50 kilometres away from the city. It’s a natural spring in a gorgeous woodland setting crossed by nature trails and is the perfect antidote to the frenetic pace of Orlando.
Further afield, the state of Florida is blessed with some amazing wild places, from the Everglades where manatees float leisurely down weed-choked canals, to the seaside where turtles still drag themselves ashore to lay their eggs.
But the point of Orlando is not the wildlife, no matter how enthralling it might be. Orlando exists to entertain on a grand scale, Disney style.
I discovered that if you’re going to go, you have to immerse yourself completely; get on the rides, eat the buffets till you burst, shop until the credit card gives out and most importantly – open your heart to Mickey.