Bin Laden is in Malta, of course

International governments would have us believe there is no extraterrestrial life.

It couldn’t be more obvious that they are withholding information from us: take a closer look at your neighbour; doesn’t he look like one who’d peel off his skin to reveal the inner lizard the minute he steps inside his house?

And while we’re at it, I’m sure you know Elvis is not really dead. It’s only a matter of time before he will step out again in his blue suede shoes, and I’m sure that for his 80th birthday, NnG will bring him over to grace our Fosos.

The reason I am touching on these sensitive issues is because for the past week we have been told that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Only, there is no body and he was, uh, quickly buried in an undisclosed location somewhere in the middle of the sea. Yeah right.

I’m sure you’ve made the connection by now. The Royal Wedding over the weekend – that was all a distraction. Prince William and Kate’s kiss, the chic dress, Princess Beatrice’s ghastly hat – they were all planned. While we were glued to our televisions admiring the sexy bum of Pippa the bridesmaid, and drooling over the Philip Treacy hats, Bin Laden was being relocated and given a new life.

Think of the honeymoon that never was. William has all throughout been saying that he wanted to model his marriage on that of Granny Queen. Wasn’t it clear from day one that the couple were going to honeymoon in Malta?

Did you really believe Prime Minister Gonzi’s claim that the PN would not be marking Worker’s Day so as to ‘avoid a clash’ with the beatification of John Paul? Poppycock. The real reason was that he had been planning a secret CHOGM-like reception for the future king and queen.

Of course, as is the norm in politics these days, the leader of the opposition was ‘consulted’. Cue his wife’s ‘cardigan’. Yes, that workers’ spotted bolero was intended to be more than a fashion statement: it would have been a nod and wink to Kate. Mrs Muscat planned to show the princess that they were on the same wavelength fashion-wise.

But then, all plans were cancelled abruptly. Why? It’s all so evident I can’t understand how the newsroom failed to pick this up: Osama Bin Laden is in Malta, of course.

He has shaved off his beard and trimmed his hair. It is understood that television presenter Lou Bondi – ever the scoop addict– was at hand with a few fashion tips.

His advice was simple: to blend in, do away with the long robes, and adopt a wannabe-James-Dean-meets-Larry-King kind of style, topped with a barrel of gel.

Bin Laden has been briefed thoroughly on the history and culture of our islands, consequently this coming week, he will be talking non-stop about the Yurivision, and Glen-għandu-ċans-ta!, and that bast’d neighbourhood voting.

It is hoped that when Afghanistan becomes an EU member, after Turkey, Bin Laden will tug at the strings of his powerful connections and secure us the much-longed-for douze points.

Meanwhile, due to his doleful, puppy eyes, it is thought he was approached by both sides of the divorce campaigns to grace their billboards.

He had to refuse, since low key is his new mantra. Gone are the days when he was the face of Al Jazeera.

He has contemplated a guest appearance on Smash TV, but decided to make do with new media and is now happy following the Facebook group created in his honour: ‘Osama Bin Laden is Not Dead’.

The few people who are savvy of his whereabouts are keen to prioritise his integration in the community – in tune with the country’s policy on welcoming immigrants. For this reason, it is believed that Mr Bin Laden will be joining the Maltese workforce.

Definitely we won’t be seeing him on the bulldozer pulling down Valletta City Gate – goodness no, he was after all an engineer and a magnate in the ­construction business. He might, instead, be put in charge of crushing the rebellion: those opposing the move of the Triton Fountain.

Otherwise, he’ll probably be spotted as the new tour leader at Għar Dalam. He is meant to have spent 10 years living in caves, after all, so he’s got all the necessary expertise.

However, a sure magnet is the hunters’ lifestyle which is thought to assuage his love for arms. He has been warned not to get carried away and spring out a Kalashnikov, for those Birdlife guys have a habit of spotting and spoiling everything.

Then the cover would be blown. And we don’t want to put an end to these conspiracy theories do we?