Kristina Chetcuti
‘My parents are happier apart’
Photo: Jason Borg
Sarah Mallia tells Kristina Chetcuti that children adapt to different situations.
Sarah Mallia was on the brink of teenage-hood when her parents separated.
At 13, it was a shock for her and her 10-year-old sister. However, they were not surprised, considering that for the previous two years, the house had been full of tension and constant arguments, she says.
“All of a sudden your parents are not together anymore and they are basically living two different lives. Of course it’s a shock.”
However, she says, as the months passed by, everybody adapted.
“As children, our lives kind of sorted themselves out, and we realised we were better off with our parents separated – they were happier, and as a result we were happier.”
This is something she believes in: If parents are not happy, then neither are their children.
“After they separated, I never wanted them to get back together. For me it meant more happiness (to see) them apart,” she says.
This has made her appreciate that there is life after separation. Once the decision was taken, she says her mother and father were mature enough to understand that the children needed the presence of both parents and worked out a way so that neither would miss out on quality time.
In recent years, Ms Mallia has made the choice to live permanently with her mother in Rabat; however, for several years she divided her time between the two households.
“It didn’t particularly bother me, it was only when I got older that I felt the need to have a more solid base, and they are both very understanding of my decision,” she says.
Both her parents have now settled down with other partners, both of whom she “loves a lot”. She points at a painting of her father’s partner gracing the living room.
Does her mother not mind?
“No, as if. They have both moved on. My parents weren’t meant to be together. I see love now, when I see them with their partners. Before I couldn’t see it,” she says.
Ms Mallia points out she is not ‘pro-divorce “Divorce and separation are very ugly things,” she says, “but in certain situations they are the right thing.”
She believes society needs to stop being hypocritical.
“People work very hard to keep a marriage going; the last thing people want is to break up the family,” she says.
In fact, she does not subscribe to the argument that couples would have a laxer commitment to marriage if the divorce law goes through:
“People work their utmost to save a relationship, let alone a marriage.”
Does she feel, having lived through her parents’ separation, that divorce would be painful for kids?
“It’s not the divorce which would be painful but the actual break-up,” she says, stressing that for children there is a lot of pain even if their parents’ stay together in an unhappy marriage.
What of the social impact on children with parents who are no longer together? Had she ever stood out because her parents were separated?
She laughs: “Nowadays we are not in a minority at all. I have several friends whose parents are separated. It’s hard to be bullied just because your parents are separated,” she says.
Would divorce curb the space offered by separation for couples to reflect and work hard to get back together?
“Yes, it’s true, separation is a space which allows for people to get back together, but let’s face it, how many actually get back together?”
She believes that if people wanted to reunite, whether divorced or separated, they would do so.
Moreover, for children, divorce would signify the end of the line: “At least children would stop hoping that their parents are going to get back together, and would be able to move on,” she says.
Ms Mallia insists that divorce is not only about getting remarried but also about ending a marriage.
“In Malta’s eyes my parents are still married. Why should they be labelled ‘poġġuti’? Why can’t they ever have the rights and security of a married couple?”
“It’s about commitment at the end of the day. If people want to commit, they will. My parents’ commitment to their partners is still going strong after so many years.”
She believes that by rejecting divorce, society would be denying some people the opportunity to have a loving relationship. “Are we going to tell the husband or wife who has been betrayed, that they can never find love again? Sometimes you just don’t find the person you’re supposed to be with first time round.”
Ms Mallia, who is reading psychology, says that love and relationships are a fundamental part of our lives which should never be denied: “Do we want a society made up of unhappy people?”
Has the breakdown of her parents’ marriage put her off this lifetime commitment?
“No,” she says decisively. “I would like one day to be able to say that I want to be with a person for the rest of my life. If I look around me I see there are a lot of marriages that succeed.”
Ms Mallia considers herself as a very spiritual person and strongly upholds good and civil morals: “Remarriage doesn’t remotely go against my morals. If anything it’s a value,” she says.
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Mr Dr. Geoffrey Schembri Adami Med. Vet.
May 9th 2011, 21:06
Blessed Laura Vicuña
Born: 5 April 1891 at Santiago, Chile
Died: 22 January 1904 at Las Lajas, Argentina
Beatified in 1988 by Pope John Paul II
Daughter of José Domingo Vicuña and Mercedes Pino. Her father was a noble Chilean soldier, and Laura was born 3 months after the outbreak of civil war in Chile. He was obliged by an attempted revolution to flee with wife and child to a hiding place. Mercedes gave birth to a second child, Julia, while in exile in the South of the country, but a few days after the birth of the second child Senor Vicuña, worn out physically and mentally, died, leaving his wife and children alone, without any money, and in great danger. When her father died, Laura was still only two years old. The mother, with no means of self-support, went to Argentina so she could hide from the ones that wanted her family dead, hoping to find work in a border town as a cook or laundress. That was how she happened to meet the prosperous Argentine landowner Manuel Mora, and since she let herself be won over by his promises of help, she became his mistress, although Manuel was already married.
Following the advice of a Salesian missionary, Mercedes agreed to send her two daughters to a boarding school “Hijas of Maria Auxiliadora”, run by the Salesian Sisters in Junin. Mora, to maintain his mistress’ affection, paid for the expenses for Laura and her sister to attend the school, where the girl was extremely happy. Here, following the nun's example, and with their love and care, she discovered God and His love, and this stimulated her to love God and those around her in return. Thus Laura made herself helpful to all, helping them in any way she could. The girl made her First Communion on 2nd June 1901, a decisive moment in her life. "Oh my God, I want to love you and serve you all my life," she wrote in her notebook. "I give you my soul, my heart, my whole self." She tried then, at age ten, to join the Salesians, but her bishop recommended she wait.
When she came home for her first vacation she immediately realized and began to understand what sort of immoral and sinful life her beloved mother was leading. Even though Laura was really young, she understood how far her mother was from God, and how serious and dangerous her situation was for her own soul. This motivated the young girl to pray several times every day for her mother's salvation, and so that her mother would no longer remain in an adulterous affair, but would cease to continuously offend God and wound instead come back to Him as soon as possible. "I wish Mamma would know You better and love You, so that she can be happy", she often prayed before the tabernacle. Laura wanted to do her best to give her beloved mother God's friendship once again, and remembering the following words of Jesus: “There is no one greater than the one that gives his life for others”, she offered her own life for her mother’s conversion: "I offer you my own life for that of my mother." She confided and expressed this offering to her confessor.
When Laura came home in the summer of 1901, she fought off her mother’s lover and ran into hiding. She was attacked several times by Manuel, who wanted her to forget about becoming a nun. Even though Manuel attacked her, she never stop wanting to serve God. When he asked her to dance with him at a fiesta, she refused, despite her mother's urge that she accept the invitation. In a fury, Manuel declared he would no longer continue to pay for the schooling of the girls. The nuns decided that they would teach the two girls for free.
Laura asked to be received as a postulant of the Salesian Sisters. Their rule would not permit them to accept her in public because of the sinful status of Mercedes, but she was allowed, to take private vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. She also asked her confessor's permission to offer her life for the conversion of her mother. Because he knew of that no matter how convenient it was, Laura had a true call to the religious life, the bishop, following the recommendation of her confessor, permitted it. She joined the Sodality of the Children of Mary on the 8th December 1901.
In late 1903, Laura became severely ill, and her health worsened rapidly. Her mother begged her to come home. The nuns urged Laura to return to her mother: "Your mother needs you more than you need her." But for her daughter’s safety, Mercedes left the Mora hacienda with her girls and moved into a cottage near the school. On the 14th January 1904, Manuel, drunk and out of control, rode to the cottage, began ordering the mother and her daughters, and demanded that they return immediately to his hacienda. Laura refused and run out of the house, but Manuel pursued her on horseback, whipped her unmercifully, kicked her, and left her unconscious on the roadway, and rode off. Though she recovered consciousness, Laura never recovered her health, dying eight days later from a combination of the disease and abuse. During those last days, she finally revealed her secret to her mother. "Mamma, I am happy to offer my life for you. I asked our Lord for this, two years ago. I offered my life for you, asking for the grace of your salvation. Mamma before I die, would I have the joy of seeing you repent?" Mercedes broke down, and fell on her knees sobbing intensively and bitterly: "Laura, my daughter, please forgive me. O dear God, please forgive my life of sin. Yes, I promise you, I will no longer be an adulterer and will start again. I swear, I will do whatever you ask me! God is the witness of my promise!" Before she died, Laura smiled and said to her mother: "Thanks, Jesus! Thanks Mary! Thanks Joseph! Bye Mamma! Now I die happy!"
As she had promised to her daughter to change her way of life, Mercedes finally abandoned Manuel Mora, converted, went to confession and returned to God’s grace and to the Church. Immediately after the young girl’s death, widespread devotion to the 13-year-old martyr quickly spread throughout Argentina and Chile.
Her feast day is celebrated on the 22nd January, the day of her death, when she gave her life for her beloved mother’s conversion, which meant her mother’s eternal salvation.
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“Understand this very well, for being happy in life is totally based on this fact: one can only have happiness in life if one is with peace with God and in His Grace.”
(Saint John Bosco, Founder of the Salesians)
“There is nothing more important in life than being in God’s Grace.”
(Saint Josemaría Escrivá, Founder of Opus Dei)
Claudia Agius
May 9th 2011, 13:09
Finally some words which reflect society's reality and make sense. Thanks for this outlook, very good article!
Mr Michael Spiteri
May 8th 2011, 21:15
Good article ..and it doest pontify at the least.
Ramon Casha
May 8th 2011, 10:21
It is interesting to note that one distinguishing feature between this interview and that with Andre Pace is that this is an interview of a person speaking from direct, personal experience whereas Mr. Pace is speaking about his speculation of what might happen.