A recent TV listing in The Times for the epic movie Rambo: First Blood described it as “a film in which a soldier sets himself up against the forces of law and order”. Lies! Rambo didn’t set himself up against nuthin’. Rambo was innocent, man. Rambo was only minding his own business, trying to reconcile how awesome he was with how pointless and effete and backstabbing the world had become when a power-drunk sheriff in some po-dunk backwater American hamlet decided to deny him his constitutional right to drift around the country looking buff and square-jawed and unfriendly. What’s wrong with that? I do it all the time. No matter, ‘cause that sheriff sure learnt his lesson in the end: Don’t mess with Rambo, because if you do, Rambo will wear a nifty bandana and blow up your village with everybody in it, and he will cap it off with a shock-and-awe soliloquy about his best friend dying mutilated in his arms and a stunning soundtrack that will leave you sitting in a puddle of your own tears. Beat that, Harry Potter.

So get your facts right, The Times’ reviewing team. Have some respect. Rambo’s a hero and we gotta hold on to our heroes. Not many of them left, you see.