Giancarlo Refalo, Sliema
Divorce: fast forward (1)
Having spent over two years in Latvia has convinced me that Malta is indeed lucky to have such faith in the institution of marriage, and that the introduction of divorce would serve, among many things, to weaken marriages. Divorce, rather than presenting a solution to a dysfunctional marriage, poses an obstacle to any marriage, right from the start. Divorce instils a mentality of “why not” into the minds of young people.
At present, in Malta, a couple thinks long and hard before taking the decision to get married, and they do this because they know that marriage is a one-way street. Once you take the decision to marry somebody, you are married for life. With the introduction of divorce, marriage no longer remains “until death do us part” but “until such time as one of us thinks otherwise”.
Many people are prone to infatuation, that wonderful period when everything is lovely and rosy, but this period does not last into eternity. Eventually most couples have to wake up and face the realities of life, and understand the responsibilities and dedication involved in being a part of a couple. Thankfully in Malta most people do seem to consider all the possibilities before taking the big step. This is in part because they know that there is no possibility of going back once the commitment is undertaken. In Malta, marriage really is “till death do us part”. In Latvia, where approximately 50 per cent of marriages end in divorce, the mentality and approach to marriage is fundamentally different.
Last year I was talking to a colleague who mentioned that the following week he was getting married. I congratulated him and asked him how the preparations were going. He was 22 years old. I expressed my wonder that at 22 he felt ready to make such a commitment and he shrugged and said it was no big deal... if it didn’t work out, he could always get a divorce.
Three weeks ago I spoke to another colleague who is divorced. She congratulated me on my engagement and expressed wonder at the fact that in Malta there is no divorce. I went on to explain why I agreed with this and she agreed with me, acknowledging that divorce changed the Latvian’s mentality about marriage.
She even went so far as to tell me that although prior to her wedding she had serious doubts about her marriage, she went ahead with the wedding because she knew that divorce was available if she wasn’t completely satisfied.
She told me that, had divorce not been possible she would have probably called off the marriage, saving herself, and her husband, the expense and trauma of getting a divorce!
The previous experiences I shared are in no way an exception, they are indeed the norm! With hindsight, most people whose marriages have broken down admit that they took a wrong decision in life because they had the wrong approach to marriage. Getting into a marriage which is permanent is one thing, getting into a marriage which can be terminated at will and unilaterally is entirely different. In Latvia, children here are raised with the mentality that divorce is normal, the idea of a united family is unfortunately only present in the older generations who keep their values to heart. I fear that, if divorce is eventually introduced in Malta, we shall have a similar situation for future generations.
I understand that there are people whose marriages have broken down and are stuck in a marriage they want no part of. However, I believe the solution lies not in the introduction of divorce but rather in strengthening the institution of marriage to avoid, as much as possible, these situations in the future. Of course there will always be valid, exceptional reasons for the termination of a marriage but why should the very idea of marriage suffer? What ever happened to “till death do us part”?
As of February 2011, a divorce in Latvia can be obtained the day after the wedding, at a notary, for a low fee. When it was first introduced in Latvia, divorce was less liberal than it is today. Some people even called it “responsible” divorce. What is preventing this from eventually happening in Malta? Why turn a beautiful concept such as marriage into a contract which can be unilaterally terminated at will?
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Joe Xuereb
Mar 9th 2011, 02:50
So allowing divorce alters the definition, status, validity, texture, call-it-what-you-will, of marriage right across the board; even those marriages that are 'rock-solid' and their partecipants would never dream of spending one single night away from each other because they are told they are now one and they believe it. And indeed VOW to believe it right till the bitter-sweet end. But wait a minute! The end result of a family 'fragmented' by divorce is exactly the same as that 'fragmented' by a marriage that has been annulled......and please don't tell me that the annulment of a marriage is 'pure academics' that affect no one. THE END RESULT IS THE SAME. Maybe whoever confers the annulment is seen as someone operating under the aegis of the holy spirit, maybe? so it's OK? Maybe the annulment having cost an arm and a leg simply for being conferred feels justified because the money is going 'to a good cause'? After all we have proof positive that many view the church as being unimpeachable (e.g.their take on the abuse of children within the church).
@Jacques Grima. Your comment was above mine. Were you congratulating me or the letter-writer? I need to know.
Jacques Grima
Mar 10th 2011, 00:54
The comment wasn't adressed to you Joe, but to the writer.
Jacques Grima
Mar 8th 2011, 15:17
excellent argument buddy, fantastic.
Joe Xuereb
Mar 8th 2011, 00:55
@ Giancarlo Refalo. Quote: 'rather in strengthening the institution of marriage to avoid, as much as possible(??), these situations....'. One can strengthen marriage by laying down rules/suggestions, black on white, pen to paper. All theory. Marriages fail for reasons that are not resolveable by theorising solutions. Rationalisations don't work, not with marriage as troubles within marriage are more visceral, darker and very profound.
Quote: 'Of course there will always be valid, exceptional reasons for the termination of a marriage but WHY SHOULD THE VERY IDEA OF MARRIAGE SUFFER? What ever happened to “till death do us part”?' Giancarlo, it sounds to me like you are terrified of the marriage boundaries being pushed out. You feel safer with the present boundaries because a) you're insecure and/or b) you are not as ready for marriage as you think you are. Children need boundaries, but adults? Well, many adults too need them it seems. One final word. Should your marriage prove to be rock-solid, why would everyone else's differing view of the institution affect you and your choice of partner plus lifelong vows? Marriage, like religion, is a very personal thing. What others think of either is so none of our business.
Joe Zammit
Mar 7th 2011, 21:20
As far as I know all people die but not all marriages fail! According to the last statistic published by the government only 7% of our marriages are considered to have failed.
Divorce is the dissolution of a validly contracted marriage by a human person. After divorce, the divorcee acts the farce of entering into another fake marriage. Before God and the Catholic Church no divorce will dissolve marriage for the simple reason that no human person has the power to dissolve a valid marriage.
In marriage the spouses solemnly vow to remain married together for ever, also if their love, honour and respect wither. Otherwise it will be an invalid marriage right at the start.
Divorce will render marriage cohabitation. When the spouses want, they divorce and remarry. As simple (or rather as stupid!) as this!
m vella
Mar 7th 2011, 19:00
Sometimes I wonder if Malta is part of the Vatican state.LOL
David Micallef
Mar 8th 2011, 02:30
@mvella....nah not part of it...malta thinks it's holier than the vatican on many counts...with possibly a few fanatics even mythologically thinking that the bible was written exclusively for the Maltese (at least the way they interpret it); that Malta is the chosen one to lead the world in sound moral values when the rest of the planet will perish in sin.
louise la rosa
Mar 7th 2011, 17:05
Fully agree with this letter. It captures the essence of marriage and its value.
B. Cachia
Mar 7th 2011, 16:46
The big change away from the model you describe has already occurred in Malta through the disappearance of the social stigma that used to be associated with cohabitation. People today already separate in larger numbers than ever before and do not hesitate to cohabit. According to the last Demographic Review, there is currently 1 new separation for every 5 new marriages every year, a rate that we never had before. More importantly, this rate is rising from one year to the next.
Joe Grim Brussels
Mar 7th 2011, 19:14
'More importantly, this rate (of seperations), is rising...' It amazes me, Mr Cachia, that the fact that today there are more violent union, unfaithfulness, cheating,....IS MORE IMPORTANT! Are these the values YOU treasure are MORE IMPORTANT?
Joseph Calleja
Mar 7th 2011, 20:14
@ Joe Grim Brussels. Mr Grima you are starting to stutter...Watch your vocabulary. As a matter of fact I don't think you have any idea what a marriage consists of.. Am I close?
B. Cachia
Mar 8th 2011, 00:04
@ Joe Grima Brussels: When I say 'important' I don't mean 'positive', but merely that the point seems to me to be particularly worthy of note.
Joseph Calleja
Mar 7th 2011, 16:36
First of all Mr Refalo there is no such thing as a “responsible” divorce." like there is no such thing as a "responsible annulment". That is like a woman saying she is only half pregnant. Both of these terminate a marriage and they are one and the same. One fully sanctioned by the church and the other is not but they both accomplish the same termination. They both put aside the vows " for better and for worse till death do us part". Per your statement, you are not married but yet you want to explain the facts of married life to me who has been married for 48 years. No Mr Refalo only those people who stir the pot know what is in it. One does not get married with divorce in mind, if so then one does not have any business of getting married in the first place. Marriage, annulments, divorce are not a convenience but a serious commitment between two people. But since this is not a perfect world, sometimes as they say sh..t happens and marriages break down. That is why there is annulment and pretty soon divorce.So think twice before you say I do.
Giancarlo Refalo
Mar 7th 2011, 23:43
Dear Mr. Calleja,
while I respect your opinion on the matter I would like to point out that the introduction of divorce is much more likely to affect people like myself who are about to get married than people who have been married for 48 years!!
Who's future are we talking about here?
jane camilleri haber
Mar 7th 2011, 14:46
thank you giancarlo and may people who still believe that divorce can only effect those whose marriage has failed believe what you are saying.divorce will effect the status of all marriages because while up to now marriage has the status of irreversibility after divorce it may be dissolved at will ( no matter the conditions under which it would have been made legal in the first place) , it will effect all those who will think of contracting marriage in the future because no one is exempt of thinking of its loopholeness should it turn sour. it will effect the health and financial status of the nation as well as individuals seeking it since there will be maintenance which would need to be delivered to all previous spouses and offspring as well as the necessity for the nation to foot the bill when such maintenance is for some reason or other not forthcoming. divorce will change the understanding of what we mean by married life, unity, family and siblings and will create an unnatural hybridisation of interfamilies, step and semi siblings. we are indeed fortunate that all the world can serve as an eye-opener for us
Wenzu Vella
Mar 7th 2011, 14:00
“What is preventing this from eventually happening in Malta? Why turn a beautiful concept such as marriage into a contract which can be unilaterally terminated at will?
What utter nonsense not even the film stars do this Giancarlro. Here in Australia we have one of the most liberal divorce systems in the world and we have a stable society. I know many of both sexes who divorced and are having a happy and contented life. The marriage they entered into in good faith before did not materialize and unfortunately for the good of both spouses it had to end.
Giancarlo Refalo
Mar 7th 2011, 23:48
Dear Mr. Vella,
As I said, I do understand that divorce offers a possible solution to a broken marriage. That is not the point of my letter. I am simply expressing my worries that Marriage will not be taken as seriously were divorce to be introduced.
victor pulis
Mar 7th 2011, 12:50
Mr. Refalo have you seen the statistics re broken marriages, cohabiting couples, separations, annullments etc.! Do you still yhink that values in Malta are as strong as you make them out to be? What is keeping couples from separating and forming new relationships? The introduction of divorce in malta is a matter of when rather than if. The writing is on the wall for those who want to see it.
Ganni Cassola
Mar 7th 2011, 12:23
Spot on Giancarlo. Well written, and agree with everything you spoke about.
Ramon Casha
Mar 7th 2011, 10:54
"Latvia has an extremely high divorce rate, but there is no adequate explanation for it."
Source: http://countrystudies.us/latvia/11.htm
If you're going to pick an example, try to find one which is not at the most extreme end of the scale.
Giancarlo Refalo
Mar 7th 2011, 23:46
Dear Mr. Casha,
I am not picking out an example at random or the most shocking one at that. I am simply speaking of my experiences thus far, of what I have seen and heard. That is why I specifically mentioned Latvia - I live there!
Joe Zammit
Mar 7th 2011, 10:29
Christ knows that divorce is evil and to the detriment of all people. Who knows more than Christ what is good for us? No one!
Divorce is first and foremost a moral and religious issue. The basic evil of divorce lies exactly in purporting to do what it cannot do. In marriage, it is God and only God who is binding two persons together and Christ ordered (not advised) us not to put asunder what God has joined together!
The State has NO SAY in the celebration of marriage! So, it has no say in dissolving marriage. Pretending to rescind marriage is only an ABUSE of power by the State.
Divorce is grave sin. It is thus the moral issue of divorce. Whoever in any way promotes divorce is sinning seriously. Divorce is not a joke. Through divorce the sinner is separating themselves from God and placing themselves on the path to hell.
Divorce is primarily a moral and religious issue. Those who love God cannot be in favour of divorce. Voting for divorce, whether in Parliament or in a referendum, is a grave sin.
Marriage + Divorce = Cohabitation
Joseph Calleja
Mar 7th 2011, 18:22
"The State has NO SAY in the celebration of marriage! So, it has no say in dissolving marriage. " If so, why is the State trying to stop the introduction of divorce? I don't even think that you can get married without the permission of the State, unless they do that for tax purposes. If the State has nothing to do with marriage, like you say, Why are we having referendums about divorce in the first place? Can't have the cake and eat it too, Mr Z. Marriage + Divorce + Annulment = Cohabitation. And not necessarily in that order.
wally vella-zarb
Mar 7th 2011, 09:11
Regardless of whether divorce is available after forty-eight months, as is being proposed, or as little as forty-eight hours, regardless of whether there are strict restrictions or even none at all, the fact remains that nobody would be forced to take up the option if one does not agree with the principle. So far there is no divorce in Malta; however, separation is available. There are several thousands who have opted for separation when their marriage was irretrievably shattered. Yet, I have never heard of anyone who has taken the step for the fun of it or simply because separation is available. So why should the introduction of divorce - which only adds the option to remarry - be any different?