Parents who need some parenting

Today’s parents are faced with situations previous generations never encountered and are, therefore, not equipped to deal with their children’s complex problems, according to a youth worker.

Thirty- to 40-year-old parents are being challenged in a different way from their own parents and have no point of reference, said Remona Cuschieri. “Today, they have to invent their own parenting, tailored to their own children.”

While parents 30 years ago could inherit much of what their own parents used to do because it was still valid, today’s generations were left to their own devices and could not refer to their own upbringing, which was the norm, she explained.

Many people parent the way they were parented but that formula no longer applies. “What you inherited from your own parents is no longer relevant to your kids.”

Ms Cuschieri heads the Youth in Focus programme of Aġenzija Appoġġ, which is part of the Foundation for Social Welfare Services. From her 15-year experience with youths, she believes their problems have escalated and are “extremely complex”. What children are presenting today is different from the past but it is not their fault; it is their parents who lack the skills.

“Yes, it is a case of two-way traffic but, more than anything, it is the poor skills of today’s parents that are bringing out the complex problems in youths and not the other way around,” she said.

These youths normally have no “serious containment” within the family – there is no solid system of “love in discipline”; a sense of balance that youths need.

“Children are the result of their parents but, having said that, their parents are not necessarily behaving capriciously – their challenge today is just bigger and different from the past.”

The service Ms Cuschieri leads addresses parents too and she believes every programme that targets youths should.

“If you are helping youths to make a change in their life, their whole environment has to change and they need to be supported. A 15-year-old cannot make the necessary changes when the environment, which is mainly the family, remains the same.”

Fortunately, dealing with the parents is not always a dead end and they do manage to see the light. They just need some guidance and it can be enough for them to pull their socks up, she believes.

When they just cannot seem to get out of it, the next problem is that they decide to “deposit” their children. Ms Cuschieri has been faced with parents who just want to give up and lock their children somewhere. They simply cannot handle them anymore and they no longer want to be parents.

While many do have their reasons they could almost be justified at first glance, they are usually unjustified after a deeper understanding because it transpires that things would have been deteriorating for years.

Some parents simply do not want to collaborate but their own experiences also have to be taken into consideration.

“It is not the first time I have seen third and even fourth generations in service: the kids, adolescents, parents and grandparents are all Appoġġ clients.

“This, of course, is a sign that things are not working and that we are not breaking the circle in these situations.”While Ms Cuschieri believes the involvement of outsiders is not always the solution, and is cautious about labelling youths “problems” and “social cases” because it can have negative repercussions, early intervention is always recommended and would prevent most problems of adolescents.