Woes of being a tall woman

Last week our nation’s breakfast patterns made the news. Sadly, the small print at the bottom of that study was ignored: Malta’s first Food Consumption Survey revealed that the average Maltese man is 1.7 metres tall and the average height of Maltese women is 1.5 metres.

Ah. Finally it’s in black and white. This explains my high life.

I am the result of a tall (by Maltese standards) combination: when my father (1.8m), the youngest but tallest of six siblings, married my mother (1.75m). The result was my sister and me – two girls who tower over the rest of their family and most of their friends.

At 1.75m you can appreciate men are an issue for me. Most seem to be stuck at midget level.

And much as I try I can never bring myself to kiss a man inches shorter than me.

Can you imagine? His outstretched arms trying to reach over my shoulder and then my having to stoop down to an awkward angle – almost mid-split – so that our lips would touch. Nah, Tom Cruise might be fine with it, but to me it feels wrong.

Just to put things in a world-wide context, The Sunday Times of London, in a recent article, claimed that the tallest men and women in the world are from the Dinaric Alps, on the eastern Adriatic coast, where men are on average 1.9m (bless them) and women are 1.75m.

And now for the drum roll, the same article declared the Maltese as the shortest people in the world.

What are the cons of our being, um, shortish? A dear friend of mine (1.51m - “every centimetre counts”) says there are only four disadvantages when you are short:

1. You can’t reach the top kitchen cupboards without a chair;

2. You can’t reach the top rails when shopping;

3. Older men tend to patronise you more: “But only for a few seconds, till I put them in their place”;

4. If you’re in a crowd you tend to be just at the same level of people’s smelly armpits, and “believe me some people don’t seem to wash”.

So is life better off when you’re taller? My sister (1.8m) says no, not necessarily:

1. You can never find the right size of tights: “The large sizes are too small but the extra large reach right up to my neck”;

2. You end up helping the store owners to get stuff from the top shelf;

3. Most guys tend to be shorter than you: “Once I dated a short guy (she’s braver than me) and I was totally embarrassed to walk next to him;

4. If you’re in a crowd you get up close with other people’s hair: “And urgh, I think most people just wash their hair every other fortnight”.

There are other more pressing height matters for us taller ladies. An Open University research claims short women are more successful with men, less likely to be single and more likely to have a partner at a younger age.

Moreover, last year a study in Nature magazine revealed that men – with the exception of the above-mentioned Tom Cruise (1.68m) – prefer short women for long-term relationships.

Why? Because apparently, tall women are perceived to be more scarily powerful than the shorter ones, who tend to be more, er, submissive. (If my 1.51m friend is reading this, she’ll flip).

These may be all tall stories but the truth of the matter is that my chances in a Malta-full of mini Sarkozys are very low.

The thing is that somehow, most Maltese men do not seem to realise they are vertically challenged. I think this may be due to their ‘Napoleon complex’.

There is something peculiarly intimidating in a very short man of power: their energy seems almost unnaturally compressed into such a small bundle, ready to explode volcanically at any minute. Their aura of power fills a room much more tangibly than mere verticality.

But the bottom line is, and I say this without wanting to be accused of heightism, they are still short.

So, I’m now thinking, should I start carrying a footstool in my clutch bag?

Maybe I’m still stuck in my hunter-gatherer mode of tens of thousands of years ago when desirability was related to a man’s hunting prowess and his ferocity and success as a warrior.

Back then, the taller man managed better at keeping his family fed and the sabre-toothed tiger from the cave’s door. I should move on with modern times perhaps, but frankly I can’t imagine looking down to steal a goodnight kiss.

Tall guys please apply below. Otherwise I’m heading for the eastern Adriatic coast.

krischetcuti@gmail.com