Yes it’s that time of year again; when I, Sylvanus, let you in on what to expect in Malta in the coming year. In the past, certain elements in Maltese society have cast doubts on both the veracity and accuracy of my carefully plotted predictions.

Let me tell you, there is no more accurate calendar than the one you are about to read. And remember, when all I predict comes inevitably true… you can tell your friends, you read it here first.

January

Air Malta announces that as a cost-cutting measure all seats will be removed from their planes and that from now on all flights will be standing room only. In this way a further 100 passengers per flight could be accommodated.

Former Labour Party leader Alfred Sant is awarded the Gieħ ir-Republika for services to the Nationalist Party.

As work progresses on the Renzo Piano City Gate project, the government bows to popular pressure and alters the plans for the new theatre to incorporate a multi-storey car park.

Since the theatre will only be operable for a maximum three months in the year, this makes total sense. It will now accommodate 600 people or 800 cars.

Opposition leader Joseph Muscat turns up at an official event on time.

February

Bertie Mizzi and friends pose for a new series of embarrassing print ads, but this time they are all photographed on their knees, pleading for moneyed mugs to buy their horrendously overpriced condos at Tigné Point.

The bishop of Gozo denies vehemently that his mindset is stuck firmly in the 18th century: “Not at all, my philosophy has marched progressively on and into the 19th century.”

When asked why the number of visas granted to tall, blonde Ukranian women has gone through the roof, the minister of immigration replies: “It’s supply and demand… and besides, all our home-grown prostitutes are too bloody ugly.”

Jeffrey Pullicino Orlando’s pro-divorce Bill gains a majority in Parliament and becomes law in Malta.Within days, 9,000 couples file for divorce under the new law. The chamber of advocates vote to erect a statue to JPO in gratitude.

March

As a further cost-cutting measure, Air Malta announces that in order to save on landing fees, it is suspending all landings at foreign airports forthwith. Instead, every Air Malta passenger will be issued a parachute and told to jump out when the flight is over their particular destination.

Saviour Balzan reports something positive in his newspaper.

In the wake of the spring hunting issue, the government and the opposition decide on a joint policy: to do absolutely nothing that may impact their elec- toral prospects. Now there’s a surprise.

Norbert Jowell’s political party obtains a licence to operate a TV channel: Imperia TV.

April

Joseph Muscat denies that having Dracula and Motormouth as his deputies makes him and his party unelectable: “I have faith in both of them… and even if I don’t, there’s nothing I can do about it.”

John Bundy joins Imperia TV saying, “This is not about politics, it’s just that the money’s ­better.”

With the EU’s mandatory ban on spring hunting now in place, a total of no fewer than 2,000 Maltese hunters are treated in the psychiatric wing of Mater Dei hospital for “emotional distress”.

It’s official: driving a vehicle while using a mobile phone becomes compulsory in Malta. It might as well be; everybody seems to do it with impunity anyway.

May

May 1: An obligatory EU directive from Brussels decrees that from now on all Gozitan ġbejniet must conform to a statutory size of 1.3 cm high by 3.8 cm across.

May 2: Gozo unilaterally declares independence and secedes from both Malta and the EU. Gozo becomes the newest monarchy in the world, ruled over by Queen Giovanna.

Eurovision Song Contest finals night is named Malta’s new national day.

In a renewed effort to shift at least some of the properties in their white elephant development at Tigné Point, Bertie Mizzi and co offer a buy-one-get-one-free deal on all condos.

In the wake of Ghaddafi’s remarks on the “blacking” of Europe, Norbert Jowell invites him to join his so-called political party.

June

Despite the stringent cost-cutting at Air Malta, the airline announces it will still be serving its passengers with exactly the same in-flight meals.

Next day: 90 per cent of Air Malta’s booked passengers cancel their flights.

Maltastar announces it is to launch a new version of its website, but this time it will be in English.

Every dentist in Malta reports overflowing appointment books, as all the bus drivers queue up to get their teeth fixed, ready for smiling and pleasantry lessons, ahead of the new bus regime starting next month.

Malta’s Magic FM radio wins the coveted Pol Pot award for having the smallest playlist of CDs on the planet. Narrowly defeating Radio Pyongyang for the prize.

July

July 3: The new bus service begins.

July 4: All the bus drivers go out on strike for more pay and freedom to curse again.

As the Park and Ride scheme begins to charge for the service, in two working days the occupancy of the Park and Ride car park drops from 100 per cent to zero.

The bus drivers express great satisfaction with the new two-tier price system on the buses, with tourists paying more than locals. One driver said: “It’s what we’ve been doing for years, but now it’s legal… wow!”

David Gatt to succeed John Rizzo as Police Commissioner.

August

Aug 1: Random breath tests are brought in.

Aug 2: Twenty-seven politicians, nine judges, six university professors and a monsignor fail random breath tests.

Aug 3: Random breath tests abandoned.

Another blockbuster film begins shooting in Malta. This one requires the whole of the Ħagar Qim temples to be covered in crude oil. The authorities agree, as long as the production company promises – cross its heart and hope to die – to clean it all off afterwards… maybe.

Lou Bondi, on a visit to Australia, is given the country’s highest award, the Golden Wallaby, as the only Maltese to have one of Sydney’s most famous beaches named after him.

September

Now the deal on Tigné Point condos is described as unmissable: buy one – get two free.

With the Park and Ride scheme apparently defunct, Transport Minister Austin Gatt rules out removing the recently introduced charge for using the service. He states: “I am never wrong in these matters and history will prove me right yet again… even if the facts prove otherwise.”

Xarabank hires bouncers – Jerry Springer style – to break up fights and keep the peace on the show… but only when politicians are appearing.

Two months after being adopted, the two-tier bus fares scheme is abandoned as a total failure, since this year there are no tourists around to pay higher tourist fares.

October

In the wake of the new liberal attitude towards censorship, the new Teatru Manoel season opens with: Stitching – the Musical.

Yet more cost-cutting measures at Air Malta mean the airline is selling off its fleet of Airbuses and replacing all its aircraft with two vintage Dragon Rapide biplanes and a Tiger Moth. They may not fly as far, or carry as many passengers to so many destinations, but think of the money they are saving.

Tonio Fenech buys a vertical take-off Lear executive jet for the finance ministry. His reason: “To increase efficiency.” The fact that it is painted in Arsenal colours and has a permit to land in the Emirates car park is completely irrelevant.

Austin Gatt catches a bus. He says later: “I actually quite enjoyed the experience; an old lady even gave up her seat for me.”

November

Sliema Local Council announces that the head of the council will no longer go under the title of mayor. Henceforth, he or she will go under the label of Capo.

With possibly the merest trace of irony, FKNK’s Lino Farrugia is voted Malta’s Sportsperson of the Year.

In an admittedly rather desperate attempt to emphasise its green credentials, the government announces it will be collecting and utilising all the hot air expelled from the new parliament building and harnessing it as a cheap renewable energy source.

As the property market plunges to an all-time low, 19 house salespeople (estate agents) are seen begging at City Gate.

December

Midi say it is offering the ­ultimate in property deals: a free condo at Tigné Point… plus €100 worth of goods at Debenhams and a free meal at any of the restaurants on the complex… just pay the ground rent.

Daphne Caruana Galizia crosses Consuelo Scerri Herrera off her Christmas card list.

The government decides to turn the defunct Park and Ride area into a golf course.

Austin Gatt admits he once – and only once – may have been wrong about something. No, sorry that could never happen… forget that one.

And finally – as ever: a very happy new year to both my ­readers.

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