All hands together for Paul

It’s been quite the week: dramatic nationwide flooding, the bleak-but-don’t-call-it-austere budget, and then Paul the Octopus.

Surely you have heard the news: the cephalopod whizz who won worldwide fame over the summer by correctly predicting the results of eight World Cup 2010 matches, has passed away.

I am truly saddened, for Paul was the world’s best tension-diffuser and my hope had always been that a kind benefactor would convince him to retire here. But then I don’t suppose that would have been much of a retirement, we – the ultimate nation of competitors - would be knocking on his fish tank for advice every other minute.

But it seems I am not the only one grieving. The minute the news was announced by the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany, tributes started flooding in on timesofmalta.com:

“I guess he didn’t see that one coming.”

“Do not send flowers, just send garlic, onions, red wine and olive oil. Anyone for a stew?”

“Put your hands, hands, hands, hands, hands, hands, hands, hands together for Paul, the greatest octopus that ever lived.”

“So long sucker”

I think we are all agreed that this is a sombre time for the football world and it is in no way appropriate to be making jokes at this difficult time. Because let’s face it, he is almost as legendary as the other Paul, him of the beetle species. Moreover, celebrities and mere mortals worldwide should take note, for there are lessons to be learnt from his short-lived life:

Despite humble origins, you can make it big. Paul was quite the common octopus. He was born in middle-class Dorset, England and lived there until transferred to Germany. Rumours that really he was caught off the chic island of Elba, previously home to none other than Napoleon, emerged only after he became famous.

Be consistently good at what you do. His strike rate was extraordinary, hence his global fame. His final prediction was that England would win the right to host the World Cup in 2018. If Air Malta will still be around, I’ll buy my tickets.

Let your agent tackle the transfers. Note to Wayne Rooney. Despite interest from several Spanish sources in the oracular cephalopod this summer, the Sea Life Centre said that a transfer was ‘totally out of the question’. Paul’s agent said: “Paul will enjoy his greatly deserved retirement in Sea Life in Oberhausen.” A smooth deal and Paul never even uttered a word.

Seafood makes you a winner. Paul predicted the winners of all Germany’s World Cup clashes by pawing with his tentacles one of two boxes, marked on the outside with the competing teams flags and each loaded with a mussel food treat.

Hog the headlines – live. Television networks in Germany, Spain and the Netherlands interrupted their programming to broadcast the octopus’ decisions on the World Cup final, live. Whole nations waited for an octopus to eat a piece of food. JPO will surely be very inspired.

Make it to parliament. After Paul was accused of betrayal by a German newspaper, José Zapatero, the Spanish Prime Minister, said he would send a team of bodyguards to protect Paul.

Even the Iranian one. Iranian President Ahmadinejad criticised Paul several times and accused the West of using the octopus to spread “western propaganda and superstition”, lamenting western decadence.

Have a career, don’t just be a mere celebrity. Note to Paris Hilton. Paul was a psychic. He was an octopus with a full-time job and more. In August he was given the position as an official ‘ambassador’ to England’s 2018 World Cup. At that point he was more popular than Beckham and busier than Blair.

Set up a charitable foundation, preferably somewhere exotic. Donations made in Paul’s name go in aid of a sea turtle rescue centre on the remote Greek island of Zakynthos.

Star in a movie. Paul will feature in a documentary to be released early next year. He will also star in the forthcoming thriller ‘Who Killed Paul the Octopus?’ directed by Jiang Xiao, whose previous works, um, escape us.

Aim for immortality. Paul has been given his own small burial plot within the Sea Life Centre grounds complete with a permanent shrine. He has gained everlasting immortality in the form of commercial branding, including a mobile phone application which allows users to consult the octopus to help them make decisions. I think he’s the new Elvis. Do you think he’s really dead?

krischetcuti@gmail.com