Children’s experiences of divorce

Given the cacophony of voices am-ongst researchers on the issue of the effects of divorce on children, it is small wonder that there are no easy answers for troubled parents who turn to psychologists or marital counsellors for clear guidance on whether or not they should stay together for the sake of their children. Some researchers stress long-term pain and sadness and others emphasise resilience and strength.

A new edition of a book titled Children of Divorce, Stories of Loss and Growth (John H. Harvey and Mark A. Fine, 2010) is a must read for anyone interested in the issue. It is an outstanding book that fully takes account of the knowledge accumulated from research as well as information derived from narratives of over one thousand young adults while in the throes of their parents’ divorce. It speaks of survivors and victims of divorce and the pain and the hope ensuing from such a wrenching experience.

The following concluding comments made by the two authors struck a responsive chord since they perfectly mirror my working experience: “…a pervasive theme of the narratives in this book is that there are no monolithic truths that characterise the experiences of children of divorce. Rather, there are many truths, and these shades of truth are quite likely to ebb and flow over time. There are many types of experience, from dismal to uplifting to many in-betweens.

“For some children of divorce, their sense of loss based on the divorce is so removed from their daily lives that they may report that there have been no major consequences associated with their parents’ divorce. For other children of divorce, the sense of loss is current and palpable. They sometimes expressed the feeling that there is no relief in sight from their painful thoughts and experiences”.

Children of divorce commonly have long histories of exposure to elevated parental conflict before the divorce occurs. Hence, years before parents divorce, children exhibit heightened aggression, impulsivity, hyperactivity, anxiety and emotional problems. Divorce tends to compound their pathological behaviour at least in the short and medium term.

Admittedly, divorce is sometimes a better option if staying together means leaving the child in an atmosphere of unresolved conflict and violence. Although divorce is significantly harmful for children of all ages, nevertheless it might turn out a life-saver for some of them in the long run. Some children in conflict-free single-parent or stepparent families show fewer behavioural problems than children in conflict-ridden and violent families. Some of them actually thrive.

There is nothing wrong in human nature to prevent this occurring.

Professor of psychology H. Rudolph Schaffer states: “We now know that there are survivors as well as victims, that children who miss out on particular experiences at the usual time may well make up subsequently, that healthy development can occur in a great range of different family environments and that there are many ‘right’ ways of bringing up a child.

“We also know that the effects of stressful experiences can be minimised by suitable action, that isolated traumatic events need not leave harmful consequences and that an individual’s personality does not forever more have to be at the mercy of past experience. We have even learned that stress, under certain circumstances, can produce beneficial results” (Making Decisions About Children).

The phenomenon commonly known as the intergenerational transmission of divorce is beyond doubt; that parental divorce approximately doubles the chances that offspring would themselves divorce as adults is an indisputable fact. However, clinical and documentary evidence suggests that the inevitable experience of divorce offers some children a chance to become more independent, flexible and tolerant. As they learn to cope with life’s problems, they may also find that they are capable of becoming better parents themselves.

Losses and gains are inextricably mixed.