Fishing for condiments

“Is sir ready to order? Madam?”

“Dunno about the wife, but I’m going to start with the bouillabaisse – the fish soup.”

“Certainly sir, with uppers or downers?”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Surely sir has been keeping up with the news and seen in the media that our seafood has, been – shall we say – enhanced – somewhat of late.”

“No I –”

“Why yes sir, apparently some of our most distinguished marine biologists have discovered that much of the medications that we humans consume these days is finding its way – via the usual channels – into the ocean, where they affect much of the marine life the same way they affect us. So, I repeat, how would you like your bouillabaisse: happy, miserable, laid-back or just plain indifferent?”

“Extraordinary. Well, I suppose in that case… happy.”

“Excellent choice sir, and for you madam?”

“Well I was going to have what I always have –”

“ – The prawn cocktail.”

“Yes darling, but, well, what do you think, waiter?”

“We are noted, madam, for our prawn cocktails. One of our house specialities.”

“Surely the prawns would not be affected by any chemical messes… would they?”

“Oh indeed they are madam. But I can assure you that all the prawns in our cocktails have been hand-picked by our head chef for their calm, unruffled disposition.”

“Well, if you’re sure, then I’ll start with a calm, unruffled prawn cocktail.”

“And I’m sure you’ll enjoy it… and for the main course, madam, sir?”

“What do you recommend? We don’t want anything that’s been too mucked about by drugs.”

“If you’ll forgive me sir, madam, it’s virtually impossible to find any food anywhere that has not been – as you put it – mucked about by drugs. The good news is that all the unscheduled chemical additives in our dishes have been passed by the chef.”

“Very reassuring, so what do you recommend?”

“Well now, today’s specials are, in no particular order of deliciousness, a very tasty braised octopus in Prozac sauce...”

“Sounds good.”

“Then, for the young at heart, but weak in the, erm, other places, how about a ċerna steak with a Viagra crust?”

“Go on, waiter, what else do you recommend?”

“Well sir, madam, the chef is noted for his oysters marinated in beta-blockers and diuretics; so I should avoid that one sir, at your age… ahem.”

“Um…”

“Yes sir?”

“I noticed on the menu: Wild Scottish salmon. Surely that’s not contaminated, erm, enhanced with any alien chemicals.”

“One of chef’s very favourite dishes, sir.”

“But is it, you know, influenced by anything, um, alien?”

“Depends what you mean by alien, sir. Certainly not alien to most Scots. You see, most Scottish coastal waters and rivers have been found to contain a considerable amount of, erm, recycled Scotch whisky.”

“I’ll have that.”

“Fine choice, sir – and for madam?”

“What about this one: dott in hash? Is that hash as in corn-ed beef hash, or hash as in marijuana?”

“The latter of course, madam. You see, it was fished in a portion of the sea where there just happens to be a lot of marijuana effluent.”

“Oh, so it was caught off Gozo.”

“Precisely madam. Now here is the wine list, so what would sir and madam like to wash it all down with?”

“Hmm, what about a nice crisp Peruvian chardonnay?”

“Are you sure sir? I mean it’s not for me to say, but…”

“Why, what’s wrong with it?”

“Nothing, nothing in itself... but in order to make it, the grapes do have to get trodden by a veritable army of itinerant grape-treaders.”

“So?”

“Erm, have you seen the state of their feet?”

“So, what do you suggest?”

“If I were you, I’d stick to good old French mineral water. It’s true that some of it may well have come via the UG systems of a few Frenchies, but you will have the peace of mind of knowing that at least their feet were clean. Bon appetit!”