Fr Mario Attard OFM Cap, San Ġwann
Healing marriage obstacles
After reading many letters, Talking Points and comments concerning the divorce debate I was personally led to ask a pivotal question: Is the family still important in our society? If yes, how are we going to consolidate it?
In one of his much-spoken-of collection of open letters to illustrious writers, fictional characters and historical figures of the past, namely to the faithful Penelope, the Patriarch of Venice, Albino Luciani, (later Pope John Paul I), identifies four problems that endanger the marital commitment. Through his simplicity, humanity and warmth, “the Pope of goodness and of the smile”, humbly offers his own suggestions to cure these secret wounds that deteriorate the marital covenant.
The first obstacle he detects is infidelity. The latter is combated if the spouses avoid occasions that are potentially harmful to their faithful community of love. Making his own Saint Frances de Sales quote, Cardinal Luciani says: “Arouse love, isn’t that it? But no one deliberately arouses it, without remaining, necessarily, caught by it; in this game, the catcher is caught”.
The second obstacle is monotony. Life gets boring when there is too much of the same. But Luciani goes on: “Are there remedies against this kind of danger? Yes: the sense of our dependence on God; prayer, which supplies what our weakness lacks; the art of renewing one’s own love: let the husband continue to pay his wife some court; and let the wife try always to flatter the husband, with attention and kindness”.
The third obstacle is jealousy. By quoting again Saint Francis de Sales, Cardinal Luciani provides an alternative remedy: “It is a foolish way of flaunting love, choosing to exalt it through jealousy; jealousy is, yes, an index of the greatness and power of love, but not of its goodness, purity and perfection. In fact, he who has perfect love is sure the beloved is virtuous and faithful; he who is jealous suspects the fidelity of the beloved… Jealousy ends by spoiling the substance of love, because it produces disagreements and arguments”.
The ultimate obstacle to marital love is precisely futile arguments and disagreements. The Patriarch of Venice, while acknowledging that even the best of husbands and wives undergo moments of fatigue and bad humour, comments: “Is he dark and frowning? This is the moment for her to be radiant with sweetness. Are her nerves on edge, is she tired? Now it is his turn to remain calm, waiting for the moment to pass. The important thing is that his nerviness should not occur at the same time as hers, should not overlap it; otherwise there is a short circuit, sparks fly, words slip out, sometimes words all too true, with that sad truth that produces disappointments, bitterness, secret wounds … In this case the other partner can only summon up his or her courage and try to hold the monopoly on patience!”.
Healing the aforementioned obstacles is vital towards the strengthening of the Maltese family. When visiting Perth (Australia), Pope John Paul II eloquently said: “As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the whole world in which we live)”.
Those who have ears to hear, let them hear (see Mk 4, 9)”.
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Joe Xuereb
Sep 3rd 2010, 13:34
@ Joe Brincat. Quote: 'My head turns if people in other countries are clamouring for same sex marriages and males and females are considering marriage as obsolete'.
There are as many different moulds as there are people. Most feel smug because they are of the majority but that, in itself, guarantees nothing. Many don't fit the mould and the majority could learn from them. As for your 'turning head', don't forget to spin it round both ways. If not you'll squeeze the last vestige of life left in you. Spin?! Don't you just love it?!
Joe Xuereb
Sep 3rd 2010, 12:15
@Joe Zammit. 'there springs up in her soul a power to sustain and endure the burdens of life which often borders on the miraculous'. How much short of a miracle I wonder. If what you say is true, woman wouldn't ever collapse.
''spiritual motherliness" - picked straight out of pre-history at Hal Saflieni.
'if she is seriously deceived in her love (she disintegrates). So much for divine intervention. Expecting someone to love us forever so we'll be happy is a tall order and a recipe for disaster. Strength comes from the self not another person. I'd never burden another with this expectation. If someone expected it of me I refer them to a therapist and run a mile. But then I would see it like this as an unbeliever. I take responsibility for myself because nothing else works. Two become one is so not true. We're born 'alone' - midwife and bleeding mother notwithstanding - and we die 'alone'. In spite of priestly presence and various beady-eyed weeping-willows, we go alone.
'Spiritual' aloneness feels more plausible, if frightening. The rest, mere social construct. Based and spun off natural agenda-ridden phenomenon called 'falling-in-love'. It's all spin.
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 23:05
Joe Zammit, you have to be consistent. If for you, on other blogs, any marriage is indissoluble, then even for those who are not Christian, problems may arise which affect the stability of marriage. It is myopic to consider all and sundry from your point of view. There are people who believe differently, even if two per cent. A simple question : is marriage stability only for Catholics ?
I know a couple who are Muslims and they have been married for 30years.
Joe Zammit
Sep 2nd 2010, 19:58
Womanliness in its inmost depth means 'motherliness', not necessarily the motherliness which bestows bodily life, but in every instance 'spiritual motherliness'. The entire character of the woman's soul manifests itself in her whole manner by loving. Woman consecrates herself to those whom she lives with her whole soul and her entire being. For this reason she also collapses readily, if she is seriously deceived in her love. From the intimate union between desire and hopeful love in the heart of a woman there springs up in her soul a power to sustain and endure the burdens of life which often borders on the miraculous. Strong marriages need Christ. In other words, strong marriages need the Catholic Church as the Mystical Body of Christ. Three to get married: the bride, the bridegroom and Christ. The family that prays together stays together!
William P Flynn
Sep 3rd 2010, 09:30
It takes a very brave man to attempt to define a woman; or a very foolish one.
In this case as this muzewminu, Joe Zammit, would have never shared a park bench with an unrelated woman, let alone maried/lived/or shared a home with, (let alone a bed); I'd be inclined to settle on the "very foolish" end of the scale.
What will you come up with next, Joe?
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 19:04
People should feel free to reach the same objective, that is stable marriage. If it is through religious considerations or purely private philosophy, the end result would be the same. I do not think that anyone goes into marriage so that he can see it break down. It would be senseless. So there is always motivation. To believe in whirlwind love, is to believe in whirlwinds. My opinion is that love is building every day, and it can be demolished every day, one brick at a time.
Lino Apap
Sep 2nd 2010, 19:02
Finally!! If half the effort currently being wasted in the condemnation of divorce and threatening its proponents with sin, fire & brimstone, is dedicated to the identification of the primary causes of marital breakdown and possible solutions, the Church would be on the right track. Well done Fr. Attard – I know that you are probably against the introduction of divorce BUT you are right on this one. This is the direction that should be taken by the Church; it is the direction that will earn it the respect of the majority of the people irrespective of whether they agree or disagree with the introduction of divorce. It is not divorce or its introduction that is the cause of marital breakdowns – there are plenty of this occurring on without divorce; it is the problems mentioned by Fr. Attard (and plenty more where they came from) that are causing marriages to break down; this is where the Church should focus its energy and not on a crusade against the introduction of what is after all a civil matter that is not within the remit of the Church as such.
John M . Grima
Sep 2nd 2010, 17:52
Two people meet. They fall in love. They get married. They make a commitment. They have children. They raise them up. They enjoy their grandchildren. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOSEPH ZAMMIT
Sep 2nd 2010, 17:42
@ JZ And what is Genuine love between married couples if you haven't experienced it? And what is genuine love after all? It is true that "One of the main reasons of marriage breakdowns is egoism" however this is more the result of lack of respect towards each other. I cannot understand what you mean by "Genuine love, especially where there is the Sacramental grace of marriage, can work miracles in married life"? Why must you reduce all your comments into religious jargon? Egoism exists in convents and in the Vatican's hierarchical system. Where humans are, egoism exists. It takes two to tango and both partners must respect each other even through sacrifice---married life is not EASY. But, having said that, there is nothing more beautiful in life than a healthy, loving ,adventurous and Cosmo-spiritual family.
S. Vella
Sep 2nd 2010, 17:38
" Is the family still important in our society?" In view of your faith, I think it is safe to assume that your idea of family is a married couple (man & woman) with kids. Feel free to correct me. By the assumed definition, then in my opinion the family is still important but no longer essential. The same goal may be attained by alternative types of families. I won't deny that in many cases it is harder, but it is still doable.
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 18:47
@ S.Vella. I do consider that family is important. Stable families are indeed the basis of any ordered society. This is not only from the religious point of view. Even in countries where there is no religion, marriage is important. My head turns if people in other countries are clamouring for same sex marriages and males and females are considering marriage as obsolete
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 17:30
How more sensate the discussion is here !! @ joe zammit. Yes, egotism is one of the main complaints, whether about money, the conjugal act, free time, relatives etc. @ JOSEPH ZAMMIT, apart from your comments about whether what Fr Attard is saying is practical or not, but you pinpoint some aspects which also affect a married life. The media (especially television) has changed our mentality. That of men to some degree. But for women it was a whole revolution. In other countries they are trying to concentrate efforts on how to help couples overcome difficulties. No one is perfect. And no one size fits all.
Joe Zammit
Sep 2nd 2010, 16:34
One of the main reasons of marriage breakdowns is egoism, i.e., lack of genuine love. Marriage is a life-long service, in patience and self-denial. In marriage each spouse should see first and foremost what they can offer to each other. When self love starts creeping in, problems start emerging.
One of the positive steps that I can suggest, which has worked well in the past, is that for any reconciliation to be successful, the spirit of sacrifice must be deeply implemented in the spouses. No love without sacrifice! Insisting on a loving service in marriage, after all for the love of God, will render many difficulties easy to overcome.
The more outward a spouse is to help the other, the easier it will be for both to lead a happy married life. Difficulties will continue to crop up, but these difficulties will serve to unite them together more and more.
Genuine love, especially where there is the Sacramental grace of marriage, can work miracles in married life.
Joe Zammit
Sep 2nd 2010, 16:23
Pope Pius XI on Christian Marriage (Casti Connubii) par.110:
"Since the universal and enduring rehabilitation of marriage calls for a return to God's law and plan, it is of the first importance that the faithful should be well instructed concerning marriage; instructed by the spoken and by the written word, not once nor superficially but frequently and thoroughly, and with clear and weighty arguments, so that these truths may take hold of their minds and move their hearts.
The faithful must be brought to know and meditate upon the great wisdom, sanctity, and benevolence towards mankind which God has shown in instituting matrimony and securing it with holy laws; and especially by raising it so marvellously to the dignity of a Sacrament, thus opening to married persons a fountain of grace abundant enough to enable them chastely and faithfully to fulfil its noble purposes, for the benefit and salvation of themselves, their children, the State, and the whole of humanity.”
JOSEPH ZAMMIT
Sep 2nd 2010, 16:09
Fr Mario Attard’s argument is not practical. Humans are not robots and you cannot issue a service manual to calibrate and fine-tune people. Each person has his own consciousness and ego apart from the spirit-or soul. Many of the problems would be solved if the woman remains at home, with the kids, doing housework and cooking for the family. I guarantee that many women reading this are sneering at me and doing all sorts of naughty gestures—and they are right!
Today’s most advertised commodity is SEX, directly or indirectly. Men and women are told subtly through the wide media to advertise their looks/body to the opposite gender. And, being human, we all ASSERT OUR EGO.
As soon as one gets the car of his dreams, he starts looking for something else. As soon as we get the partner of our dreams, we start challenging our selves for the other girl or man. Fortunately or unfortunately, that’s how it is.
In Cyprus, I saw an orthodox priest with his wife in a supermarket. While the wife was choosing items, he was inspecting young blondes on the other lane.. That is life.
Dr. Ecward J. Clemmer
Sep 2nd 2010, 17:35
Infidelity, monotony, jealousy, and futile arguments and disagreements: these are very practical observations by the Cardinal Luciani (future John Paul I) regarding areas of weakness for the instability of marriages. Monogamous and faithful relationships are fundamental to marriage, and also are possible for couples who may choose not to marry. If one subscribes to non-monogamous relationships, then one violates the spirit of marriage as a personal relationship, while clinging perhaps to its legal definitions of property rights. Anthropology or biobehaviorism may suggest that humans are not essentially monogamous; but contemporary marriage as a conventional social institution defines the marital relationship as exclusive and perpetual. If one disagrees with the "religious" dimensions or connotations of marriage, at least in Western secular societies the civil institution must be respected, if one enters marriage; and under the civil regime, marriage and divorce are matters of regulation of the "institution" of marriage or its breakdown. If one cannot be faithful, or loving of the other (more than the self), where both spouses in marriage truly love and respect each other, then don't get married. Or, if you do get married, don't be surprised by divorce, when practical matters of relationships are left unattended.
patrick zammit
Sep 2nd 2010, 15:58
Fr M Attard’s letter makes complete sense if one believes in god.
If one does not believe in god and leave the religious parts out, he would also agree with the Father. One cannot argue that only the church has a monopoly on moral standards, righteousness etc.
In fact no one in his right mind would say that we shouldn’t be helping couples who are in trouble. Far from it.
But as those who have suffered in a relationship know, sometimes reconciliation is easer preached than done.
It is for those cases that the only option left is divorce. And any secular Govt should and is duty bound to see to that. Catholics would be free not to divorce or not marry again.
charles caruana
Sep 2nd 2010, 14:59
Fr Mario Attard, this the kind of effective pastoral and practical guidance that married couples need and benefit from, not lofty theological disquistions that show how bright their authors are, while leaving the readers in the dark
George Debono
Sep 2nd 2010, 14:54
Sorry Fr Attard
1,2,3,4 ……….. add water and mix............ and “heal”
As any of the walking wounded of marital breakdown will tell you --- If only it was as simple as this.
I’m afraid these are mere platitudes.
G
Joseph MELI
Sep 2nd 2010, 16:25
Best solutions in marriage are prayers, forgiveness, and total co-operation in life is the secret of a perfect marriage. In a very recent & new analysis of three major national surveys claims that married couples who attend church together tend to be happier than couples who rarely or never attend services and are also less likely to divorce.
University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, using data from the General Social Survey (GSS), the National Survey of Families and Households (NSFH), and the National Survey of Family Growth (NSFG), found that married churchgoing Americans, regardless of race or religious denomination, were more likely to describe themselves as “very happy” – more so than non-churchgoing married couples, Cybercast News Service reports.
Professor Wilcox also found that couples who regularly attend church together are less likely to divorce.
"Attending church only seems to help couples when they attend together," Wilcox told Cybercast News Service. "But when they do, they are significantly happier in their marriages, and they are much less likely to divorce, compared to couples who do not attend church. I would say that church attendance is a beneficial component of marriage when it is done together."[Continued]
Joseph MELI
Sep 2nd 2010, 16:34
@GeorgeDebono::::> So you try to make fun healing, but I say to you, don't worry God will always ready to forgive you whatever we might do. Anyway during this American Survey, Profs. Wilcox said that churches supply moral norms like sexual fidelity and forgiveness while also offering family-friendly social networks to support couples through high and low points of their marriages. Something which is still missing in malta?
Churches, he said, provide “a faith that helps couples make sense of the difficulties in their lives--from unemployment to illness--that can harm their marriages.”
"So, in a word, the couple that prays together stays together," said Wilcox.
In my opinion in Germany there are Church organization that get together separated persons and during these sessions they manage to bridge their differences and return back to normal Couples.
Joe Xuereb
Sep 2nd 2010, 14:24
I am always sceptical about priests who go on about love and fidelity. The words in this letter are fine but strictly formulaic. They treat people like robots devoid of spontaneous feeling (as in, when the husband's down, wifey should put on a cheerful face. If only it were that simple).
Fidelity is achievable by one not putting oneself in temptation's way?! Reasoned reasoning are all very well. But MONOGAMY IS NOT A FACT OF LIFE but an aspiration very difficult to aspire to. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak sort of thing. Meaning, the loins have a mind of their own, over and above the head. And for the species to survive numerically, it had to be so. God decreed so. An automatic, facile, effortless monogamy would have finished us off long ago.
Society is indeed reflected in its marriage state. Unrealistic expectations from marriage produce neurotic spouses, not very heatlthy nation. Maybe our view of marriage is off the mark and needs reviewing with divorce as a last resort when things go pear-shaped. Something's got to give!
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 11:13
Fr Attard is anticipating the situation. He writes to avoid separation and then hope for a possible reconciliation. The main thrust of his letter is to convey a positive message to ailing marriages.
Prevention is better than cure.
In my professional experience, I had cases of reconciled couples even after a judgment of separation. I had also one of after divorce. But the point is not that.
What is being done to help couples through moments of difficulties ? When they go to lawyers and start proceedings, very often it is already too late.
After separation, my experience is that there is cohabitation, or possibly an annulment (whether Ecclesiastical or Civil). The root of the problem is where Fr Attard is tackling.
But as I said, it is already apparent that this letter will not attract comments unfortunately.
Joe Zammit
Sep 2nd 2010, 10:25
In general, it is possible for separated couples to reconcile. We have had separated couples who reunited and are still faring well together.
Separation always leaves the door open for reunion. As a matter of fact, both civil and ecclesiastical law prescribe that legally separated couples can reunite just by going to live together again. As simple as that. Where there is a will, there is a way. If one of them is willing, we are already half way. How can you get the other?
There are a number of steps to follow, but patience and time will play an important role in reconciliation. Some type of contact with the other spouse helps. Taking advice from people who genuinely desire their reconciliation has had its good effects too. The worst thing one can resort to is to enter into another relationship. We have many separated persons who have wisely refused any new relationship.
Finally, I would suggest prayer. God can do in a second what we cannot do in a year.
Separated couples will benefit best in every aspect only from reconciliation.
Gerard Cassar
Sep 2nd 2010, 14:27
Mr Joe Zammit you have forced an open door this time.
Claire Galea
Sep 2nd 2010, 15:33
bla bla bla
Dr Joe Brincat
Sep 2nd 2010, 10:09
@ Fr Attard. At last. I have expressed an opinion in Fr Joe Borg's blog. You are on the right track. I am afraid, however, that this will not receive many comments, as it is not controversial, where one can say "I am right, you are wrong".
Sorry to quote myself : "What irks me, and I tried to set the ball rolling, is that there is no debate about how Church, State, NGO's, the media and voluntary societies can really help an ailing marriage from falling to piece. We are discussing about the "death certificate" of a marriage, and hold strong positions of principles on all sides, while forgetting that there are people who are passing through bad phases, and could be helped.
The compulsory mediation process before a legal separation is not an attempt at reconciliation or ironing out difficulties. If the parties do not want to reconcile, then "let's see whether you can do it through a consensual contract". I would prefer that the parties appear individually, and without a lawyer, before the mediator, who tries to help them."
Gerard Cassar
Sep 2nd 2010, 14:42
Some times it is not a clash of personalities that sugest separation. There are many other and more seious reasons. I am not referring to unfaitfulness but to situations that makes realtionship nearly impossible due to one of the couple personal carachteristics that was not known before marriage. In such cases most probably an anullment is the remed for Catholicsy. If divorce is in force there is absolutely no wrong to have recourse to it, more so, it is natural. And there are who generalise and say divorce is always wrong.