Carmel Gatt, Calgary, Alberta, Canada.
The reality of divorce (1)
I cannot write about divorce from my own experience. I have been happily married for 32 years. In Canada, where one out of every two first-time marriages ends in divorce, reaching this milestone is rare and worthy of an award! However, I have several close friends who are divorced.
Here are some observations on the outcome of divorce based on the lives of my friends:
Divorce is a trauma for both parties, no matter how much one or the other wants the divorce. It is the end to a relationship that was supposed to go on forever. Often, it becomes a bitter experience.
If there are children, the severance is never complete. The parents (one hopes) still have to communicate to decide on life decisions for the children: which school to attend, extracurricular activities, driving lessons, career decisions and so on. The adversarial relationship may continue for a long time, and the bitterness may transfer to the children.
Divorce is difficult on the children. Assuming there is joint custody, the children are shunted from one household to another often on a weekly basis. This means that they have to get used to two household schedules, two sets of house rules and so on.
I cannot imagine that this duality is good for the children. Two long-term studies of children of divorce, one by Wallerstein (1997) and the other by Hetherington (2003), concluded that a significant minority of children have permanent scars that linger through adolescence and well into adulthood. Such scars are seen as depression, delinquency, poor grades, fear of failure, fear of commitment, and fear of following their parents’ path.
These young adults recall their parents’ divorce as a major trauma in their lives, from which they feel robbed of a healthy childhood. One of my friend’s children engaged in self-harm, did poorly in school, and rebelled against the parents after the divorce.
Single parents have less money. Splitting the family’s assets and running two households depletes the available resources for each parent, and may mean a higher dependence on the government to make ends meet. And then there is the issue of child support. Enforcement may be required to force parents to deliver the child support they agreed to give, causing additional strain on the judicial system.
Single parenting is not easy. My friends are run ragged driving children to school, making lunches, doing laundry, and so on, while keeping a full-time job and career. It is all very exhausting.
Single parenting will require the government to provide more support services, and may need to raise more money through taxes. This will affect everyone.
Children of divorce may be exposed to a new set of family values when their parents get involved in new relationships (through dating, cohabitation or marriage); these conflicting values are out of parental control.
In addition, new parental relationships may bring new family associations: half-brothers or sisters, step-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and so on. It becomes very confusing to keep track of who is who, even more so with multiple marriages.
No doubt some marriages should not continue. Staying together for the sake of the children, while very noble, may be more harmful than a divorce. The government has a duty to enact laws to protect those who may be harmed. So I think divorce laws in Malta are inevitable. However, divorce should not be an easy way out when issues arise. Divorce should be earned. After intensive and exhaustive (and perhaps mandatory) counselling, to keep the traditional family unit together, then, and only then, is divorce granted.
A lot needs to be said about marriage preparation. Marriage is a covenant. One should enter this covenant with more care than buying a house. The Church is very good at marriage preparation. However, not all marriages are within the embrace of the Church, and there may be even fewer in future.
Marriage preparation should be mandatory for everyone. There is more preparation for a driving test than there is for a lifelong commitment with such grave responsibilities!
This is not an issue of pitting a conservative Catholic Church (against divorce) versus liberal contemporary thinking (in favour of a pluralistic family unit). Neither is it an issue that the above examples will not occur in Malta. The fact that divorce laws are being considered in Malta is a testament to the failure of moral persuasion as a solution. When morals fail, then nothing is sacred anymore.
The family is the crucible which forms the citizens of tomorrow. The traditional family unit is best suited to provide a stable and protected relationship for children to grow into well-centred citizens. Divorce shatters the crucible. Everything should be done to keep the traditional family unit together. I therefore urge the legislators not to blindly follow what has been done abroad. Malta has a long tradition of respect for the traditional family. It has served well for centuries and needs very little fixing.
Nobody wins in a divorce. Except for the lawyers, of course!
Popular Stories
In Discussion
21 Comments
Post comment
Please sign in or create your Account to post comments.
Joe Zammit
Jan 17th 2011, 11:14
A simple argument:
Whatever goes against God’s law is sin.
Divorce goes against God’s law.
Therefore, divorce is sin … and a grave sin.
This is the reality of divorce!
Franco Farrugia
Aug 30th 2010, 08:00
A very conservative and limited view of the effects of divorce. Of course divorce has its negative sides. And plenty, too. But that does not mean that Malta should not have divorce legislation for those that need it.
Children within some family units stand to gain by divorce.
Children of divorced parents may actually learn to avoid situations whereby they will need divorce, when their turn comes.
Whether we have divorce or not, couples will continue to seperate; hence, the effects of divorce on society as far as social welfare is concerned, are the same as those of separation.
Much as we wish things to be different, the traditional family setup has long stopped being the only family setup and we need to face facts.
Ramon Casha
Aug 30th 2010, 06:34
Which of your terrible scenarios does not equally apply to separation or, indeed, church-sanctioned annulments?
Joseph Micallef
Aug 29th 2010, 22:51
A Loooonnnggg letter which describes mainly the suffering, disadvantages etc that are encountered in Separations and I would add Church annulments - yet the author attributes them solely to Divorce! I wonder why most anti-divorce writers take such as stance - as if they get an instant amnesia and forget that separation and annullment are legal and already exist and have the same result as divorce. Divorce would only add social recognition and rights!
Joe Xuereb
Aug 29th 2010, 22:25
Carmel Gatt. Quoting yourself: 'Here are some observations on the outcome of divorce based on the lives of my friends'. So all the traumas you listed have happened to the children of your divorced friends? As recounted by these same friends? These friends, have they ever bothered to think what worse traumas their children would have suffered had they, their parents, friends of yours, stayed together? Maybe next time you invite them over to dinner this could be the main discussion theme. The self-harm, the rebellion and acting-out, the under-achievement. And worse of all, being brought up to believe 'by example as they know nought else' - we so model ourselves on our parents and what they stand for! - that marriage is like their parents' marriage, ie a sorry shambles. But to them, normal. Have you ever spoken to a woman who grew up with a violent, womanising father. She goes on to marry a man who womanises but is otherwise not physically violent. She rationalises: 'At least my husband doesn't hit me (like my father did my mother)'. She reckons her marriage, therefore, is better than her mother's. Her religiosity and total dependence 'on-him-indoors' will do the rest.
Joe Zammit
Aug 29th 2010, 21:33
Legislating in favour of divorce is grave sin that separates the offender from God and puts him or her on the path to hell.
Legislating in favour of divorce is legislating in favour of evil, condemned by God.
Legislating in favour of divorce is betraying God who tells us that what he has joined together, let no man put asunder!
Legislating in favour of divorce is a diabolical step that pleases only the devil.
Legislating in favour of divorce makes you responsible before God for the grave sins others will commit on account of your sinful and evil legislation.
eugene sapiano
Aug 29th 2010, 18:50
I must remind Mr Raymond Bezzina that way back in 1984, a marriage preparatory course was organised at the Museum of Fine Arts; unfortunately it was never held again and even couples who intended to go through a Church marriage attended. I remember a lady who after thanking the organisers asked why they did not invite a priest; it seems old habits die hard! But I agree with Mr Bezzina about an alternitive course for those going through a civil marriage and why not being open for those opting for a Church marriage as well as happened in 1984?
eugene sapiano
Aug 29th 2010, 20:45
Moreover to what I have already written the marriage prepatory course was organised by Min-Naha tan-Nisa. What has become of them?
victor pulis
Aug 29th 2010, 17:33
Joe Zammit(44 minutes ago) To divorce again for a new false love called lust.... I see it's not only hell you've got on the brain. You should be ashamed of yourself. if I were you I would apologise to all those who find new love after their first one is dead...That includes those couples who have been annulled by the church or are they also out for a bit of fun according to you? Joe it may not occur to you but sexual infidelity is not the only culprit that wrecks marriages.
JOSEPH ZAMMIT
Aug 29th 2010, 15:46
@Joe Zammit
go and watch One flew over the cuckoo's nest----pray to understand it.
every time you write, people are having second thoughts about the church teachings.
HeeHeeHeeee. Some mothers do have them....
Chris Reiff
Aug 29th 2010, 14:48
Do you know who wins in a divorce? The divorced person who finds true love in another person and marries him/her. You just don't get it.
Raymond Bezzina
Aug 29th 2010, 16:32
@ Chris Reiff
With reference to your comment, please realize that ; in a failed marriage,
divorce gives also the right to the guilty party to remarry, if s/he wishes to,
which could easily result in multiple broken marriages by a single person;
including all its negative consequences on society.
Mr. Reiff,
Therefore, in a marriage, it is not only a matter of finding true love, but also
of being that true love for the spouse. Finding true love only is not enough
for a life long commitment, as that of marriage.
Civil marriages have been legal in Malta for about thirty five years now. In all
these years, the state did nothing to prepare couples for marriage. Don't you
think that it would be better, that instead of discussing the issue about divorce,
the authorities would discuss on how to prepare couples for this life long
commitment of marriage ?
Joe Zammit
Aug 29th 2010, 16:44
To divorce again for a new false love called lust....
patrick zammit
Aug 29th 2010, 18:42
"To divorce again for a new false love called lust...."
So, according to you, a person is capable of loving only once in his life...
Joseph Calleja
Aug 29th 2010, 19:05
@ Mr Zammit " To divorce again for a new false love called lust...." Mr Z that sounds so naughty. What do you know about first and second love? Please stop judging people. Take care of your soul and let everybody else take care of their own. Have you ever been divorced or even married? Never answered me on that question, but still waiting. See Joe, been there done that! Sometimes books don't tell you everything but in this day and age you can always go on the internet and google it.
Joe Zammit
Aug 29th 2010, 13:38
1. Divorce is a great injustice against God.
2. Divorce is a great injustice against the family
3. Divorce is a great injustice against the children
4. Divorce is a great injustice against society
5. Divorce is a great injustice against the spouses themselves.
DIVORCE NEVER!
rgalea
Aug 29th 2010, 17:48
Still waiting for you to disclose your theological qualifications. Given your penchant for cut and paste ad nauseum commenting style, I'm surprised you have not posted your credentials on all the various threads. Could it be you have absolutely none?
Joseph Calleja
Aug 29th 2010, 18:38
Mr Z 1. Have you ever been married? 2. Have you ever been divorced? 3. Have you ever applied for and gotten an annulment? 4. Why is Divorce a great injustice against the family? especially if the family is broken already? 4. Why is Divorce such a great injustice against society? this is between a man and a woman.You know the two people involved in all this. 5. Divorce is a great injustice against the spouses themselves. Why? The spouses are the ones wanting the divorce? See Mr Z anybody can cut and paste, same as you Divorce might be salvation to some. Again, Joe, Min igarrab ikun jaf. Seems like you never did any of that. You live in your little bubble of the 50's and refuse to come out. I think you still believe in turning the other cheek when somebody hits you. I think that all this rhetoric and opposition against divorce is coming from people who have never been married and don't know the first thing about being married. Don't judge unless you want to be judged.
C Gatt
Aug 29th 2010, 21:07
@ all
Guys (and gals) can we make a pact? can we please totally disregard the incessantly mundane comments of Joe Zammit of Paola as he does not form part of the debate.
There are other, intelligent anti-divorce contributors you can lock horns with. Trying to debate with Mr Zammit feels a bit like tilting at windmills: you think you are dealing with a person who can think, only to find that in fact its a computer gone mad repeating the same five phrases over and over again. As the daleks would say : EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!
Charles Sammut
Aug 29th 2010, 12:13
You have not mentioned anything that does not also happen in a separartion or annulment.
Of course it is tragic when a marriage breaks up, but it happens and suitable remedies have to be in place to allow for individuals to get on with their separate lives.
victor pulis
Aug 29th 2010, 12:13
Mr. Gatt I notice that the first half of your letter was not so much about divorce as separation. We already have that in Malta. We also have cohabitation (rising every year) unmarried mothers (also on the increase) annullments (exploding yearly) and single parents.
Divorce is being debated in Malta because at last we have woken up to the fact that we are living in a modern world with all its problems. We have suddenly turned up the carpet and found all the dust which has been hypocritically swept there over the years. We are no different than any other country where morals are concerned. We have our fair share of skeletons in the cupboard and then some.
As you rightly said, some marriages should not continue when they reach the point where reconciliation is impossible. That is why we need to legislate.