I cannot write about divorce from my own experience. I have been happily married for 32 years. In Canada, where one out of every two first-time marriages ends in divorce, reaching this milestone is rare and worthy of an award! However, I have several close friends who are divorced.

Here are some observations on the outcome of divorce based on the lives of my friends:

Divorce is a trauma for both parties, no matter how much one or the other wants the divorce. It is the end to a relationship that was supposed to go on forever. Often, it becomes a bitter experience.

If there are children, the severance is never complete. The parents (one hopes) still have to communicate to decide on life decisions for the children: which school to attend, extracurricular activities, driving lessons, career decisions and so on. The adversarial relationship may continue for a long time, and the bitterness may transfer to the children.

Divorce is difficult on the children. Assuming there is joint custody, the children are shunted from one household to another often on a weekly basis. This means that they have to get used to two household schedules, two sets of house rules and so on.

I cannot imagine that this duality is good for the children. Two long-term studies of children of divorce, one by Wallerstein (1997) and the other by Hetherington (2003), concluded that a significant minority of children have permanent scars that linger through adolescence and well into adulthood. Such scars are seen as depression, delinquency, poor grades, fear of failure, fear of commitment, and fear of following their parents’ path.

These young adults recall their parents’ divorce as a major trauma in their lives, from which they feel robbed of a healthy childhood. One of my friend’s children engaged in self-harm, did poorly in school, and rebelled against the parents after the divorce.

Single parents have less money. Splitting the family’s assets and running two households depletes the available resources for each parent, and may mean a higher dependence on the government to make ends meet. And then there is the issue of child support. Enforcement may be required to force parents to deliver the child support they agreed to give, causing additional strain on the judicial system.

Single parenting is not easy. My friends are run ragged driving children to school, making lunches, doing laundry, and so on, while keeping a full-time job and career. It is all very exhausting.

Single parenting will require the government to provide more support services, and may need to raise more money through taxes. This will affect everyone.

Children of divorce may be exposed to a new set of family values when their parents get involved in new relationships (through dating, cohabitation or marriage); these conflicting values are out of parental control.

In addition, new parental relationships may bring new family associations: half-brothers or sisters, step-grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins and so on. It becomes very confusing to keep track of who is who, even more so with multiple marriages.

No doubt some marriages should not continue. Staying together for the sake of the children, while very noble, may be more harmful than a divorce. The government has a duty to enact laws to protect those who may be harmed. So I think divorce laws in Malta are inevitable. However, divorce should not be an easy way out when issues arise. Divorce should be earned. After intensive and exhaustive (and perhaps mandatory) counselling, to keep the traditional family unit together, then, and only then, is divorce granted.

A lot needs to be said about marriage preparation. Marriage is a covenant. One should enter this covenant with more care than buying a house. The Church is very good at marriage preparation. However, not all marriages are within the embrace of the Church, and there may be even fewer in future.

Marriage preparation should be mandatory for everyone. There is more preparation for a driving test than there is for a lifelong commitment with such grave responsibilities!

This is not an issue of pitting a conservative Catholic Church (against divorce) versus liberal contemporary thinking (in favour of a pluralistic family unit). Neither is it an issue that the above examples will not occur in Malta. The fact that divorce laws are being considered in Malta is a testament to the failure of moral persuasion as a solution. When morals fail, then nothing is sacred anymore.

The family is the crucible which forms the citizens of tomorrow. The traditional family unit is best suited to provide a stable and protected relationship for children to grow into well-centred citizens. Divorce shatters the crucible. Everything should be done to keep the traditional family unit together. I therefore urge the legislators not to blindly follow what has been done abroad. Malta has a long tradition of respect for the traditional family. It has served well for centuries and needs very little fixing.

Nobody wins in a divorce. Except for the lawyers, of course!