Crack us up will you?

Perhaps with the exception of Joseph Calleja, our tiny island is bereft of celebrities. But we still have our own 'jet set', albeit on micro-amoebic scale, and we call them 'personalities'. They are not exactly 'stars'; more like 'sparks'.

The sparks are people who are often to be seen and heard in the media. Of course, by putting themselves out there in the public eye, as it were, they are up for the viewers' or readers' appraisal.

We are free to either like them or dislike them. And they should all be fine with that - because it's part of the job.

My only problem is that our sparks are too boring to either love or hate. They are so dull that when reading about what they have to say, my specs fill with a tearful mist of boredom and I find myself snoozing, with drool and all, à la Sleeping Beauty.

For example, take Mark Borg Spiteri (waterpolo player-cum-model), Julia Farrugia (newspaper editor and television presenter) and Grazielle Camilleri (marketing executive and dancer). These three 'personalities' were all interviewed in newspaper magazines last week.

I have never met any of them and I'm sure that in real life they are perfectly nice people - witty and jolly, even. But! As interviewees they are as dull as a Monday morning in January.

Take Julia Farrugia, for example, in an interview focusing on her fashion style:

Do you have a favourite style icon?

'Not really.'

Do you consider yourself a fashionista?

'No, not at all.'

Do you have a favourite shop or designer?

'No. I'm not really into brands.'

Do you have an outfit that makes you feel a million dollars?

'Oh dear I have to think about that - not really.'

How would you describe your personal style?

'I don't believe that I possess such a thing as a personal style.'

Grazielle Camilleri gives us another fine example in a 'finish the sentence' interview entitled 'What I know about men':

I would love to be a man for a day... 'That way I would feel what it's like to chat up a girl.'

I'm suspicious of men who... 'boast of their physique or their material belongings.'

I get really angry when ...'I make a special effort to go out - hair, make up new shoes, the works - and then my partner picks me up and doesn't spare one compliment. Unacceptable.'

Or the painfully vague Mark Borg Spiteri in an 'up-and-coming heart throb' interview:

If you could, would you change something about yourself?

'My bottom and legs I think.'

Do you remember your first crush?

'As a boy there were too many of them to remember.'

Your ideal date would be with? At?

'I have quite simple tastes really - a nice girl, and somewhere romantic.'

You are taking your dream girl to a weekend away where would that be?

'Anywhere as long as we can spend quality time together.'

Forgive me, for a minute there, I nodded off on the keyboard. This is comatose stuff. Whenever I read such replies I want to poke the perfectly coiffured photos and beg: Please lie. Please exaggerate. Please - dare I ask it? - be funny.

Tell me you eat your breakfast in a tutu on the loo. Anything will do except for these answers straight out of the 'I really take myself seriously' textbook.

The first and only the sparks need to learn is this: laugh at yourselves. Unless sparks convey passion and crack us up, how are we meant to be eager to watch their games, shows or whatever it is they do?

So here's some unsolicited advice: Julia, dear, refuse to be interviewed for a column called 'Style Spy' until you discover your inner-fashionista; Mark and Grazielle, dudes, lighten up and next time round be more specific. Say something like this instead:

I would love to be a man for a day ... 'So I could first pee standing up, then sprint around without a bra on.'

I'm suspicious of men who... 'Are the spitting image of an animal. I know one who looks just like a chipmunk and another one like a proper horse. I mean could these be aliens taking over the world?'

Your ideal date would be with?

'Ewan McGregor (or Sam Worthington or Xabi Alonso) in a hot-air balloon over the Serengeti. They'd have to hold me oh so tight because I'd be oh so vertigoed.'

If you could would you change something about yourself?

'My bottom. You need binoculars to find it. I want one like

Beyonce's and J-Lo's put together.'