Everyone knows that football was invented so people had an excuse to eat pies. So for me, there's nothing worse than filling your stomach with burgers and prawn sandwiches on the day of a big game.
South Africa has a novel but brilliant approach to pies that keeps everyone happy; find a popular food and smother it in pastry. They have cheeseburger pies, BBQ smoky rib pies, chicken and mayonnaise pies, and the ubiquitous curry pies. They taste so good that England fans have been creating chants about them... "Pies, oh pies, oh pies, oh pies" (to the tune of Life by Desiree).
South Africa has this inimitable approach to everything. From vending machines dispensing footballs to dancing traffic wardens and a Vuvuzela's greatest hits album - things are never quite as you expect. Maybe it's because England lost to Germany, but after three weeks in South Africa I've come to the conclusion that football on the pitch isn't really that important. This country just continues to amaze.
Watching football is always good, especially after a long day of driving, but it hasn't been what has made our trip. However, if it wasn't for the World Cup we wouldn't be here, and we wouldn‘t have shared our experiences with such wonderfully diverse people.
The World Cup brings people together. Where else could you play in a 30-a-side football game with players from more nationalities than the Arsenal squad? When else would you swap your shirts with fans supporting other teams? And when would getting blind drunk with a bunch of Nigerians be such a great idea?
After coming from such an incredible city like Cape Town, Port Elizabeth had all the potential to be a disappointment. An industrial port, it has one of those beaches that look good from a distance, but you would never dream of sunbathing on it. Which was probably just as well, because a group of Nigerians joined in our pie chants and started a conga that snaked down the street to the nearest bar.
Feeling rough the following day we headed to Jeffreys Bay, a coastal paradise one hour west of Port Elizabeth. Being winter, and a ‘chilly' 22˚ C, it was too cold for the locals to hit the beach, so we had mile after mile of golden sand to ourselves. If that sounds like a cliché, it's because I felt like we were living in one. With jumpers for goalposts, our game of beach football was interrupted by a pod of dolphins surfing through the waves. We even had takeaway fish and chips for lunch.
Like most South Africans, everyone in Jeffreys Bay was optimistic about everything. Four to five hours was their general estimate of the driving time to Bloemfontein. I checked the map; it was a 700 km journey. Ten hours later and I wished we remained in our cliché.
Bloemfontein is a strange place. South Africa's fourth city, I felt like we had gone back in time. The manager of our apartment explained that she had left a present on our beds, a World Cup bible with Kaka the Brazilian forward on the front. "You believe in God don't you?" she asked. "If there is a God, England will beat Germany tomorrow," I replied. Silence. Maybe I'm to blame for England‘s exit.
Following England's defeat, the mood was surprisingly upbeat. Maybe it was the experience of South Africa, or perhaps it was the realisation that England never really had a chance of winning it anyway. Everyone seemed so apologetic. One German fan made a provocative hand gesture and was promptly covered by a pint a beer. Soaking wet, the German said sorry and handed his full pint to the man who had just drenched him.
That moment was the closest to any danger we've encountered, other than on the road. Driving around a major city is like being in a computer game - something like Destruction Derby. I've lost count of the amount of battered vehicles I've seen lying by the side of the road. Undertaking is legal, people reverse down the freeway if they miss their turn off, and drink driving isn't punished (sound familiar?). Out on the open roads there are no problems, but in the cities you just have to close your eyes and hope for the best.
For all its wonders, our trip to South Africa has also had heartbreaking moments, like a visit to an orphanage where many of the young children were HIV positive. I disagree with the argument that the South African government needed to ‘sort its own problems out' before spending money on staging a World Cup. Every country has ‘its own problems'. South Africans should be proud of showing off their country and for once there are positive stories coming from Africa; narrative that finally challenges the stereotypes and misconceptions.
Fabio Capello's team may have headed home, but we're not going anywhere.