Bringing out their best

As a group of frogs lined up in a field for the village frog race, scores of well-wishers found their place along the sides of the track, all eager to see which frog would be the first to leap across the field and climb the palm tree at the very end to claim the prize.

'Bang' went the umpire's pistol and off went the frogs. But as the race progressed, the well-wishers started to complain loudly about how unfair it was to set such a long distance for such small participants, or that some tired frogs were becoming breathless, or that the field was in a poor state.

And as their complaints increased, the number of racers decreased. Finally, only one frog was left to reach the top of the tree. When the winner descended, media reporters gathered around the tree ready to interview him.

They hurled questions at the champion but he just went on his way without giving a single answer. Why? Because all along the race he did not listen to the well-wishers' negative comments.

If one applies this story to young children who are eager to learn and grow as they move along the path of life, one sees some similarities.

The drive to learn and achieve is inherent in every child. Two- or three-year-olds master two great lessons of life on their own. They learn to walk and talk. What an achievement!

But quite often, while they are so excited and eager to practise and show off their new skills, all they hear from their parents is "sit down and don't move" or "shut up and don't talk". How is that for encouragement and appreciation?

American psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs once said it is only when we stop fighting life that we let our potential unfold. Experiences in the early years of development lay the foundations for one's outlook on life. One's self-esteem gets a kickstart in the first six years of life.

Parents are the first and the most important teachers in a child's life. Allowing young children to participate in daily chores that are appropriate to their age, is a learning experience. Giving a child the opportunity to explore under the watchful eyes of an adult is encouraging.

Encouragement is food. Children need daily doses of encouragement to nourish their minds just as they need nourishment to grow physically. Understanding that children make mistakes because they are 'people in training' increases our responsibility to create a healthy learning environment.

Children need educators, not policemen or judges all too ready to hand down punishments. Dreikurs says that the proper way of training children is identical to the proper way of treating fellow human beings. This, of course, also puts a lot of responsibility on child minders, kindergarten facilitators and their trainers.

There is a long list of physical, social and emotional skills that young children are ready to learn at kindergarten level and these are very important as they prepare the child for formal schooling. Getting a distorted image or a foul taste of school at this level might skew a child's attitude towards learning for life.

Fear, stress, and a poor self-image do not help to bring out the best in a child. It is only by understanding children's messages - often expressed through their behaviour - that one can bring about positive development.

Going back through one's childhood one may recall an adult one was fond of, or felt comfortable with. This adult might have been more understanding than critical, patient and not too busy, had good listening skills instead of being a constant adviser, had a smile instead of a frown. Such an adult might be a childhood hero and model.

If a person was blessed with such a gift in childhood, when they become an adult one can often identify in them positive attitudes and outlooks on life that grew out of such a relationship.

Unfortunately many children are subjected to labelling. Labelling is disabling. Although children are resilient, growing up in the wrong environment can stifle both resilience and the drive to learn. Are not all children entitled to a good start in life to set them on the road of bringing out the best in themselves?

To help them do so, we need families and schools that focus on and point out strengths, not deficiencies. We need systems that foster cooperation instead of competition.

The joy of intrinsic satisfaction for doing one's best outweighs any other prize. Internal gratification need not depend on a dangling carrot or on another person's judgement. We need 'growing up charts' instead of 'control' star charts.

Children influence adults, and adults influence children. The kind of parenting or teaching style children are exposed to will leave a mark on their self-esteem.

In a nutshell, the outcome of an autocratic style might be rebellion, that of a permissive style might cause chaos and insecurity, while that of a democratic style will foster respect, responsibility and empowerment.

Children who are encouraged to give their best will become better every day, while those expected to be perfect or to reach unrealistic goals will be discouraged.

Helping children become the best they can requires training in responsibility and accountability. Responsibility means choices plus consequences. In my work with parents and educators I often find that this is the tricky part, as very often consequences and punishments are mixed up.

Basically punishments are meant to hurt while consequences are meant to teach. Knowing the difference and making the right choices is what brings results.

It is unconditional love that gives the sense of security and belonging all children need. My last point is on the importance of family or class meetings that put all these concepts into practice.

Weekly meetings give a taste of real democracy in action. During these meetings all members are treated equally when it comes to dignity and rights.

Family or class meetings teach acceptance of others, tolerance of ideas, mutual respect, understanding, conflict resolution, appreciation, effective communication and much more. These meetings give tangible meanings to social interest.

Social interest is feeling one with the community. The first community is the family, but later on it will also mean the school, the village, the nation, and the world. Social interest is the antithesis of egocentrism and crime.

This is a tall order one might rightly conclude. If we think every single child in the community deserves the best then it is not a tall order.

Education is the key for both parents and educators to give each child what he or she deserves - that of helping them bring out the best in themselves.

Have your say

If you wish to contribute an article or would like a particular subject to be tackled in the Education section, call Davinia Hamilton on 2559 4513, or e-mail dhamilton@timesofmalta.com.