Politically present, if not correct...

Today, I am obliged to attend a 'major political manifestation' at the Birgu waterfront.

Lots of stalls selling cholesterol and unsaturated fats, plus thousands of - mostly - adipose, middle-aged females in acrylics, not necessarily complemented with deodorant.

There are speeches, of course, including one from the big boss. But I'm intrigued: I thought only the other lot attracted these hordes of harpies. What's happening?

I am enlightened by a colleague, who informs me: "We are giving them all free hamburgers and soft drinks." Ah, right.

Monday

Like the majority of my ministerial colleagues we have acquired a parliamentary assistant, courtesy of our back benches. He is a lawyer, but sadly only a legal aid one.

Nevertheless, I welcome him to his new office (my old office, under the ministry stairs) and try to make him feel as much at home as a lesser mortal should feel.

But I have to admit it's nice not to be the office junior anymore. The next task will be to try to find him something useful to do. Not easy.

Tuesday

To the House, where I am detailed to answer a parliamentary question from the opposition spokesperson for stirring the manure.

He asks: "If and when Piano's so-called open-air opera house is up and running, will the government issue patrons with umbrellas and foot warmers during the winter months?"

I reply: "In the spirit of national entrepreneurism, the government intends to issue licenses to private individuals, to set up stalls outside the building to hire out these items to any opera-house patron who desires them. Thus giving yet another boost to the Maltese economy."

Rather good reply I thought. Our new parliamentary assistant does have his uses after all.

Wednesday

On a rare day off, I decide to take Angelika and our baby daughter Annabelle to Gozo for the day. I even dispense with my official car and drive my own.

Bad move. The government's new directives to local wardens to be more tolerant and educative has obviously not filtered through to Gozo yet.

In the space of just six hours on the island I receive no fewer than four citations! Obviously the reputation of Gozitan wardens as power-crazed zealots has been well earned.

Thursday

Today I'm obliged to pay for my day off by having to attend a government primary school in Qormi - of all places. I'm charged with informing the little horrors about all the government is doing for children in Malta today.

Happily, they seem reasonably quiet throughout my short - 30 minute - dissertation, but when I call for questions, I get precisely none!

Later, over tea and cakes in the headmaster's study, I bring this fact up. The head grunts, "I'm not surprised, during your speech, 90 per cent of them were either texting their friends or playing games on their PSPs. Maybe you should have told them how lucky they were that this government has enabled them to actually have PSPs."

Not quite what I'd intended, but point taken.

Friday

I discover that for the past week I have been featuring prominently in the blog of a well-known female newspaper columnist. Apparently I was photographed, rather the worse for wear, leaving a party hosted by some delinquent judge. But, since I don't know said judicial person from Adam - and have certainly never attended any of his parties, I go online to see for myself what gives.

The photo certainly could be me... from the rear, but even more certainly isn't. For starters, the person pictured is about 25 kilos lighter than I am. I don't know whether to sue or be flattered.

Saturday

The fallout from my alleged appearance on the net continues. My bride Angelika, far from being distressed by this falsehood, tells me her Sliema friends are now seeing me in a very different light. I have apparently become, almost overnight, rather cool.

And, although I am still contemplating legal action against the blogger, Angelika persuades me that, far from damaging my political career and image, this just might garner me a lot of young votes at the next general election.

As they say: Every cloud...