Sylvanus

Bring out the pocket calculators...

"Sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen, but it seems the opposition want you to take a vote on the issue, which is... well... anyway.

"So, since we had such a mega mess last time - and as we can't yet run to an electronic voting system - I have taken it upon myself to devise a new and almost foolproof system for recording your votes."

"Can we know what it is?"

"Certainly, er... it's very simple, we'll do what they do in many other similar bodies; we'll have a division."

"A what?"

"When I shout out 'vote now', all those in favour of the motion will get out of their seats and move to my right, which is this side... no, this side. Hence, ayes right."

"Did he say eyes right? Does he want us to form a guard of honour or something? And if so, who to?"

"No, I said ayes... as in a - y - e meaning yes."

"Why don't you say so then? But why 'aye'? That word went out of fashion before the Great Siege."

"Thank you for that Dr... er... most constructive. Shall I continue?"

"Zzz!"

"Quite. Well, on your heads be it. Where was I?"

"Dotting the ayes."

"Er... yes, all those in favour process to my right. And all those against, will therefore process to the er..."

"Left, presumably."

"No can do."

"What? Why not?"

"Geography."

"Explain."

"Certainly. Because to your left is the door to the Gents WC, so unless you want to do a headcount in the bog, you'll have to think again."

"Well, we can't have the same system of voting that went so badly wrong last time. I couldn't tell my yesses from my..."

"Noes."

"Exactly."

"What's his nose got to do with it?"

"Not my nose you senile old... honourable member. I'm referring to the noes... those who wish to vote against the motion."

"No thanks, I went before I left home."

"I've got it, I've got it..."

"Well, don't give it to me, I'm very susceptible to germs."

"I've got the answer."

"Fine, but what's the question?"

"This is what we'll do: When a vote is called, the ayes... yeses, will - like I said - get out of their chairs and move over to my right."

"And what about the noes?"

"They stay put in their seats. That way all I'll have to do, or rather get the usher to do, is count the seated members, then subtract that number from the total number of sitting members... and by simple mathematics I will be able to work out who voted what. Clever, eh?"

"OK, but what about the usual batch of members who would have voted aye but remain seated because they have nodded-off to sleep?"

"Ah..."

"And what about the majority of dimwit members who don't know their left from their right?"

"Um..."

"Look, since it will take forever to install some sort of foolproof electronic voting system, why not simplify matters by printing cards bearing either the word iva or the word le? Then distribute one of each to every member, then all they'd have to do is hold up the card marked iva... if they agree with the motion, or the one marked le if they disagree. What do you think?"

"Too complicated."

"What!? It couldn't be simpler."

"Not for people of average or above average intelligence maybe. But we're dealing with politicians here, don't forget."

"I still think any system is better than the ejja ħa morru non-system we've got at the moment."

"No, I'm sorry, but I totally disagree. The so-called non-system you refer to has worked perfectly well for donkey's years before this one recent glitch. So I propose we simply stick with it. All those in favour say aye."

"Aye."

"No."

"Er... what was the question again... sorry er..."