Gilding the sow's ear...

Sylvanus has done it again. Yes, a brand new scoop has - as it were - been 'scooped' up and plonked onto my lap.

I'm not going to tell you how I got it, suffice to say that... in life it's not what you know but who... And what is this incandescently hot news story? I hear you both enquire. Aha! Actually it's the final draft of the government's recommendations to our estimable local wardens, intended to make these poor, sad jobsworths more acceptable and citizen-friendly. And very interesting reading it makes too.

It begins by setting out the situation as it is today. Sadly, it seems - and not without reason - that those green-clad denizens of the quick ticket are about as popular as a crack squad of the Waffen SS.

So... to make them more palatable from now on, things are going to have to change. First off, those naff military style uniforms are to go. As from July, local wardens will wear designer-label baby pink uniforms (yes, men as well). And since these will all be body-hugging little numbers, this will hopefully weed out some of the more grotesquely proportioned wardens currently terrorising our streets; it will also be a nice way of eliminating the truly elephantine from the merely... portly.

Another welcome embellishment of the warden's uniform will be the plan to add seasonal touches to their apparel. For instance... at Christmas, all wardens (of all three sexes - male, female and other) will be issued with reindeer antler headgear and red noses. They will be required to wear these while on duty from December 1 to December 26.

Another seasonal note, although not compulsory, would be for local wardens, when booking someone during the festive season, to send them on their way with not only the citation but also a cheery Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

At Easter, all wardens will be obliged to wear Easter bunny ears, which attach neatly to their peaked caps, throughout the holiday period. Then at Halloween they can really let their hair down; in fact, it is strongly recommended that they do. One rather jolly jape would be to put on a grotesque mask, then - with a blood-curdling scream - to leap out from behind an illegally parked vehicle and offer the offending driver the option of trick or treat.

The trick would be for said driver to strip down to his or her underwear prior to the warden searching them before disappearing with their clothes. Oh what merry fun! The treat would naturally be to let the felon off with just a warning... well it is Halloween.

Now, I know that the government has promised that local wardens are required - in future - to educate the public rather than issue citations willy-nilly, as at present. So to this end all wardens must henceforth have at least a rudimentary knowledge of local by-laws. Not that we're saying they don't know the law, it's just that some... if not most, are rather reluctant to impart this knowledge to the public.

Also, according to the new regulations, while educating punters, wardens must try to smile more. (Smiling lessons will be given every Tuesday and Friday evenings at the Scouts Hall, Ħamrun... attendance is compulsory).

And finally, this all-new almost-human image of our local wardens will be further perpetuated by the obligatory singing of this brand-new wardens jingle. For tone-deaf or vocally-challenged wardens, it will be permissible to pre-record the jingle and transmit it through their ticketing machines, while issuing a citation. The words go:

"I am your local warden,

The hand of love I now extend.

To educate not agitate -

I only want to be your friend."

(And the chorus)

"Dooby, dooby, dooby doo.

We are human - just like you."

Music by Andrew Floyd Whenever; lyrics by Ice Tea.

By the way, none of the above applies to local wardens in or from Gozo. These creatures have long been recognised as feral and a race apart, and therefore exempt from the norms of acceptable human behaviour.