"Yes, okay, I'll agree it's a good play."

"And you'll agree to direct it for us, right?"

"Er... wrong. I said it's a good play, a very fine piece of writing, but..."

"But what?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"It is... shall we say... problematical."

"Problematical? Why?"

"Okay; frankly I don't think it'll get past the censor - and you've had plenty of problems with them in the past."

"Maybe, but that was in the past. Why do you think this one won't get through?"

"Lots of reasons; for instance... here, look, page 14; Rose's line, uttered as she is supposed to be walking out of a theatre: 'I thought that show was a gas.' "

"So? What's wrong with that?"

"Call me over-sensitive or just plain intuitive, but I reckon that line will be cut."

"But it's essential to the plot - and what could the censor possibly object to?"

"It is certain to be cut on the grounds that, it might be deemed offensive to Holocaust survivors."

"Duh?"

"And again on page 29, it's Rose again... the filthy b%*ˆh, see: 'I think Paul McCartney, Macca is the most talented musician in the business.'"

"And?"

"And nothing, that line will never get past our hyper-sensitive censorship committee."

"Again, I have to ask, why the hell not?"

"Macca can sound like Mecca and that would certainly be construed as overly offensive to Muslims."

"Oh for heaven's sake."

"Is that a line from the play?"

"What? No."

"Oh, thank goodness, if it had been it would certainly have had to go, 'cos it would be seen as being offensive to absolutely all religions."

"Don't you think you're going a bit too far? I don't think our censors are that picky."

"No? After what they did to... what was it called? Stitch-Up?

I think I'm being naturally cautious."

"Don't quote Stitch-Up to me; you know why that got hammered don't you?"

"Why?"

"It got hammered 'cos...' cos it was payback time."

"Payback time?"

"Yeah, it was payback time for letting Blast-Off get by unscathed."

"Sorry, I'm not with you."

"The company Unigrope's previous production was far worse in terms of racy dialogue, yet the censor let it pass. So the censors got their own back by banning Stitch-Up."

"I rest my case, that proves just how petty they can be. And another thing..."

"What now?"

"This play is full of both oblique and blatant sexual innuendo."

"Yes of course it is, that's why I'm producing it."

"Not a chance."

"What do you mean?"

"What I say. The censor will never sanction some of the language used."

"Like what, for instance?"

"Like this here on page 47. I quote - by the way, it's Rose speaking again."

"How did I guess?"

"Rose says: 'Take your filthy hands off my mp3 player.'"

"And what's obscene about that?"

"Oh come on... For mp3 player read..."

"Sorry, read what?"

"Read... you know."

"No, I don't know."

"Rose, I mean the playwright is obviously using a euphemism."

"Yes, but for what?"

"A euphemism for her unh-huh."

"Her... ?"

"Her unh-huh."

"No, I'm sorry you've lost me. Are you trying to tell me our noble-ish board of censors are reading filth and depravity into even the most innocent of phrases?"

"Figure it out for yourself.

If they are so prurient and inept to ban Stitch-Up on the grounds of indecency, isn't it obvious they are going to find smut and sedition absolutely everywhere?"

"I never really looked at it like that."

"Well it's time you did. So while I like the play, I'm afraid I'm not prepared to have it mutilated beyond recognition. So thanks but no thanks."

"Well I must say you disappoint me. I thought you would be just the person to do justice to the children's nursery story Snow White and Rose Red."

Sign up to our free newsletters

Get the best updates straight to your inbox:
Please select at least one mailing list.

You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the link in the footer of our emails. We use Mailchimp as our marketing platform. By subscribing, you acknowledge that your information will be transferred to Mailchimp for processing.