Just the ticket... not

A few months ago, in a random act of spontaneous optimism, I decided to enter myself for the World Cup ticket lottery.

I had heard rumours that sales were a touch on the slow side and thought that may improve my chances. So I logged on to the website and submitted my application: two tickets to all of England's group games plus two for each of the following rounds all the way up to the final. The full monty.

My reasoning was fairly simple: in the incredibly remote chance that I won, why not grab the family, pack a few suitcases and turn it into the mother of all holidays.

Yes, it would mean a month off work and I would probably need to sell my house, car and a few distant relatives to fund the trip, but it would be the sort of opportunity that comes up once in a lifetime. Worth a bit of financial juggling.

At that point I did what most people would do in my position, and entirely forgot about the whole thing. Until, that is, last week when I noticed my credit card had been paid a visit by a certain Fifa.

My eyes lit up. Did this mean I had won? Was the holiday of a lifetime now on? Was it time to start brushing up on my Afrikaans? I was already trying to work out how to sell the idea to my editor and turn it into a 'working' holiday.

Then I took a closer look at the credit card statement. The amount Fifa had taken was just €114. That's darned reasonable for two tickets to seven matches I thought to myself. Maybe a bit too reasonable.

And so I logged on to my Fifa account and discovered that, in fact, I had only 'won' two tickets to the England vs Slovenia game.

Well, that's about as much use as a glass hammer.

What the devil am I supposed to do with those? I am hardly likely to remortgage my house, take time off work, fly all the way to South Africa and spend a fortune on hotels and expenses for a single, unglamourous football match.

When I applied for all seven games I had done so for a reason. Getting to, and staying in South Africa is no minor thing, and in order to make it worth my while it needed to be a whole package of football.

A single game, no matter how nice a thought, is just not worth the effort or the money. And how many more people like me are there around? People who applied for a package but were awarded just a single match?

Because, and here is the kicker, I can't refuse those tickets I have been given. By joining the lottery I apparently agreed to buy whatever scraps fate chucked in my general direction.

Hmmm.

Over the past few weeks there have been more and more stories expressing concern that tickets for the World Cup are not selling well. Things like price, distance of travel, and cost of accommodation have all been mooted as reasons for this.

Fifa president Sepp Blatter, however, last week has insisted ticket sales are doing fine.

Well, of course they are Mr Blatter, because there are probably tens of thousands of people like me who now, thanks to the ludicrous lottery system, own tickets they don't actually want.

And it gets worse. Not only can I not refuse to buy the tickets, I can't even sell them easily. You don't get your physical tickets until you are in South Africa, and then only by presenting your credit card.

This is apparently to stop ticket touting, which is fair enough, but it means I can now only sell my tickets by using the official Fifa site which, wait for it, charges me a 10 per cent 'administration fee' to do so!

What a joke.

Obviously, I e-mailed Fifa to explain my position. But that is like trying to slay a bureaucratic dragon with a pencil sharpener. Each time I e-mailed, they have replied curtly, referring me to the terms and conditions.

Fair enough, I should have read all the terms and conditions before I submitted my application. But, in all honesty, who does? That's the sort of thing that can ruin a moment.

Possibly I am just a victim of my own stupidity. Maybe I am an idiot for applying for tickets in the first place. Maybe I am a few sandwiches short of a picnic for even daring to think I may get to watch a World Cup in person.

But, even if I am to blame for my own errors, that doesn't make the current system anything other than fundamentally flawed.

For most of us ordinary football fans, going to a World Cup is a bit of a dream. Something we all say we want to do at some stage in our lives, but which requires planning, coordination and a whole lot of money.

Those people sitting in the Fifa offices, with their complimentary match passes and travel expenses, obviously don't have a clue how the real world works.

Normal people, especially on the back of a global recession, can't afford to spend thousands of euros to fly to a country in a different hemisphere for 90 minutes of group football. Fact.

At the very least, the lottery should apply to applicants, and not to matches themselves.

That would at least make a bit of sense.

Anyway, the upshot of this is that I now have two tickets to the England vs Slovenia game if anybody wants them. They are yours for free on two conditions.

One is that you find a way of taking them that doesn't put any more money in Fifa's pocket. Not a single cent.

The second is that you get me a really, really nice bottle of whisky so I can drink it while watching the game on television.

Proposals to the usual e-mail address please.

(The above offer is 100 per cent genuine. No terms and conditions apply).

That man Rooney

Thanks for all your e-mails about the Carling Cup. Yes, I am aware that once again my prediction went a little awry. But, in my defence, I did warn you not to put your money where my mouth was.

In the end, Sir Alex's boys were worthy winners, thanks in no small way to that man Wayne Rooney. For the umpteenth time this season he proved to be key to United's success.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote that, without him, United would be a mediocre team at best this season. And e-mails are still trickling in from fans of the club telling me how wrong I am, how there is so much more to United than just young Mr Rooney.

Well, sorry lads (and one ladette), I simply don't agree. Rooney is not just another star in a team packed with them. He is the difference between the side being brilliant and just good.

By my rough calculations he has earned United approximately 20 points this season. Points they would otherwise have struggled to pick up. And that is a very conservative estimation.

Take those away, or even take half of those away, and United's 2009-10 season would start to take on an entirely different complexion.

And that's not opinion, that's fact.

sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com