Roll on spring. I know there's still a full 21 days to go, but frankly I'm hoping that with the change of weather, we'll be spared that constant fashion crime, committed by our society, also known as white, patent PVC boots.

Yes, I have faith in the forces of nature: warmer weather will prove more powerful than the forces of fashion - which are being totally overlooked - and push the said boots to the bottom of the wardrobe.

Now I am no fashionista. I do not hit the shops to kit myself out in the season's latest, and truth be told, clothes shopping is not one of my all-time passions (my sister inherited the gene for both of us). However, I appreciate fashion and sometimes I swoon at the loveliness of the pictures in Vogue and wish that I had the kind of life for the dresses featured.

Just as I sometimes drool over the interior décor of house featured in Wallpaper, and wish I had a house with a deck on Sidney's Bondi beach. But that's because I am a sucker for anything aesthetically beautiful. Beauty radiates a creativity and happiness and gives my soul a kind of lift.

I love to look around and see people dressed up in what clearly is an effortless panache. It makes me want to stop and applaud. But there's not much chance of seeing me do that on our little island: most of the time, whenever I'm out and about, I'm too busy squinting to ward off the evil glare reflected by those white boots. We're not talking here of flat, white, rubber-soled boots perfect for a slushy winter day. You know the ones I'm saying. Pop your head out of your window and you'll be sure to see someone passing by sporting said item.

Which brings me to my question this Sunday morning: what is it with Maltese ladies and stiletto-heeled white boots? There they go wandering about in Valletta primped, hoisted and hoicked, tottering about in three-inch heels of the tasteless white stuff.

Combined with bum-reaching hair scrapped back into a side pony (so tight it makes your eyes water) and teemed up with a denim 'skirt' that has been taken off a Barbie, it doesn't make for a pretty sight.

But why on earth do shops stock them in the first place? I think somewhere in China there must be a factory dedicated solely to these white shoes, shipping non-stop to Malta. Someone must be getting very rich on something so appalling. They must be high-five-ing each other saying: "Can't believe it, man. They're ordering more ugly boots!"

I sometimes agonise over handing shoe shop owners some fashion magazines before they set off to Turkey or wherever they go to buy their items. I want to point out: "See, no white boots: nowhere. So, please, I beg of you, don't get any."

I thought it was just me and my weird aversion to anything which I find gross, so what a relief it was when the other day I was having a chat with stylist Marisa Grima and she spluttered on her tea at the mention of the white boots. "I just saw a whole shop window in an Qormi shoe shop full of the ugly things and I wanted to cry. Shops like that should be fined by the fashion police!"

She believes people who put on such boots are totally clueless: "I would like to know from whom they get their fashion tips." Oh, and the white boots are always teamed up with a white short jacket and matching handbag... nice, huh!

But maybe we're not being objective. There must be a way white boots can be pulled off? Marisa? "I'm really struggling here as I detest them so much. Maybe if they are worn with an A-line dress, coloured tights and an oversized handbag in another colour. Nothing matching please. Ah, but very few people can pull this kind of look, and it should only be attempted by stylish, fashionista types. You know, the type of girl who can look cool even in pyjamas!"

That settles it then. We should go for guerrilla tactics. From now on, in the name of beauty, we have to stop any lady wearing these sinful boots, pull them off her feet and march on to the next one. All that white PVC, we can then send to Thea, our little new starlet, to sew onto her big bird-cum-seagull, cum whatever it is prancing behind her while she sings away. That way we'll dazzle all of Europe into giving us douze points.

krischetcuti@gmail.com