It's that special time of year when we're regaled with mass productions of unscented roses and when soft-toy makers and chocolate manufacturers encourage us to demonstrate the extent of our love in cold, hard cash.
As you can gather, I am no fan of Valentine's Day. It is exactly what a celebration of love should not be: predictable, commercial and, well, boring. I think if I go to another shop and am given another promotional teddy bear, made in China, by some poor worker who probably got five cents for a whole working week and didn't even get a chance to see her boyfriend, I will throw a tantrum.
But as my friend Jacques pointed out mid-whine, I was being a cliché. "There's an alternative, how about doing something fun like texting 'Love you, hon' to a random number and wait for the answer," he said. Which is when it dawned on me that I was taking the wrong approach. If we have to rebel against the day, we must do so, not by locking ourselves in, but by embracing it, if you get my drift.
On Valentine's Day, we've got to be ballentines - a word which apart from the name of the Scottish whisky, originally meant something on the lines of 'plucky' and 'daring'. So with apologies to the whisky (although a tot or two do no harm on a day when we are driven cross-eyed with all the red thrown at us) let's think ballentine. Let's be brave, let's be like the guys in the film The Men who Stare at Goats.
Let's turn this corny, kitschy day into 'karmageddon'. As writer Danny Wallace did some years ago in the UK, with the setting up of a Karma Army, we'll use today to spread good cheer and gladness. And why focus on just one fellow human being - the 'lover' - when we can sweep anyone off their feet? This is how to go about it:
Read the paper then head downstairs and prepare breakfast in bed for someone in your house - the dog and cat qualify too - after all 21 per cent of us would rather spend Valentine's Day with our pet than our spouse. If while brewing tea, you spot a fly or a spider, help it out of your house: do not squash it.
When you go for your Sunday morning coffee, pay for the person behind you. Drop by the bookshop/newsagent, always holding open the door for people coming in, buy a chocolate bar and give it to the sales assistant who sold it to you. Take advantage of any three-for-two book deals but give the free one away to someone outside the shop.
While you're sipping coffee, if you must use your mobile, text someone telling them you used to have a crush on them - that will make their day; then go for Jacques' trick: text 'Love you darlin' to the first person that comes to mind (erm, best not an ex).
On the drive back home, if someone cuts you up in traffic, instead of flicking them the finger (ah, terrible habit of mine), beam and wave. At the traffic lights smile at the person in the car next to yours. Ditto if you see a grumpy-looking warden.
At home, reach for your laptop and with a mere click of the mouse, stop world hunger (thehungersite.com); protect endangered habitat (therainforestsite.com); and contribute to free care for animals (theanimalrescuesite.com). Before you log off, leave a message on Stevie Wonder's website (steviewonder.com) saying you just e-mailed to say you love him too.
If you still insist on going to a restaurant tonight, give the chef your compliments - even if your salmon was in the shape of a bright pink heart. If, however, you're going to a carnival show, make sure you give a standing ovation at the end of each dance, even if you nod off in between. And wave at babies and their mummies - it will amuse both of them.
If you're going to the cinema, buy popcorn for the person sitting behind you. If you're heading for a pub, buy the people on the table next to yours a packet of crisps to share. Then give a stranger by the bar a note telling them that your mate fancies them. Ladies, gang up and applaud a lad who's clearly made an effort.
Back home, hug someone you don't normally hug and give your dog a bone. Put some chocolates in your work bag, so tomorrow you'll secretly put them in everyone's in-tray. Then, randomly, text someone goodnight.
There. Valentine's Day would be over in no time and by tomorrow, the world will be a much better, happier place. Seriously, thank you.