In the lap of the gods

Sir!

Yes, it is I again. (Oh no; say it isn't so... Ed) As you are very well aware, in the past it has fallen to me to - it would appear single-handedly - uphold the moral values that seem to have been eroded to dust in this sainted isle of Malta. And also to point out to those who are supposed to deal with such things, that we are slipping ever deeper into a slough of filth and depravity! Yes sir, filth and depravity... and it has to stop! (Says who and whose army? - Ed)

Just lately it has come to my attention that an even greater threat to the wellbeing and moral health of our nation has reared its ugly head. I am, of course, referring to an apparent mushrooming of a number of what are euphemistically called: "gentlemen's clubs".

Really sir! A savage misnomer if ever I saw one. No gentleman of my acquaintance would ever frequent such dens of perverted iniquity. (So is there any other kind of iniquity? - Ed) These satanic hell-holes are to be found - or so I'm informed - in, of all places, Paceville. That sleepy, formerly chaste suburb of the borough of St Julian's has - if my informant informed me correctly - become some kind of latter day Sodom and Gomorrah!

I shall spare my readers the gory details, especially as this is after all the Sabbath; (Aw shame... Ed) but I understand that within the walls of these 'gentlemen's clubs' any number of lewd depravities is flaunted in the name of popular entertainment and titillation. (In which order? - Ed)

When I informed my good lady wife of the existence of such places, I have to tell you, the shock was almost too much for someone of her breeding and refinement. She retired to her room for several days, taking no sustenance other than an outdated copy of Horse and Hound.

From what my informant related to me... what actually happens in such places is that certain nubile and underclad young women of a promiscuous and pulchritudinous disposition, parade in front of said 'gentlemen' and... I can hardly bring myself to sully my 1948 Remington with the words... dance in - and on - these gentlemen's laps.

The image of such a thing refuses to leave my subconscious (I'll bet it does... Ed). I just gasp at the sheer depravity of it. Besides, when executing said dance in the aforementioned gentleman's... er... lap, one does hope that the dancing young 'lady' (for want of a more appropriate word) removes her shoes.

Can you imagine how painful it would be to have to sit suffering in silence while some painted and minimally attired tart pounds her sharp-heeled shoes all over one's middle area. It is quite likely to totally destroy a chap's resolve, apart from putting his procreative possibilities in very great jeopardy.

If what I have alluded to is even half true... then we are indeed utterly doomed! Life in this pristine and previously unsullied archipelago will become completely unbearable for decent god-fearing men of unblemished repute.

Are we experiencing the end of civilisation as we know it? Does this latest heinous aberration herald the dawn of a new dark age? Are we now slithering down the ever more slippery slope of dissolute degeneracy? Is this the end of Maltese civilisation as we know it? I call on all good men to rise up (Another metaphor might have been wiser... Ed) and stand tall against that which seeks to destroy us!

Yours in deep dudgeon;

D G Hardly-Breathing Gatt: K.O.M.R Ret'd