In the whirlwind of debates - on families, marriages, teen pregnancies, divorce, censorship - and at times fossilised positions taken by one side or the other, we seem to be ignoring one major factor: ubiquitous internet pornography and how relationships are affected by this.
For many young people, online pornography is becoming their introduction to sexual expression. Yet, there is a dangerous silence and porn is not discussed publicly even though in the last decade there has been an overwhelming surge of its availability via the internet, promoting a skewed view of sex as the norm and sabotaging the idea of intimacy.
Seventy-five per cent of relationship counsellors in the UK say that it is very common to see use of internet pornography as a major problem in relationships. In her book Living Dolls, which came out last week, Natasha Walter argues that pornography has a strong effect on young people's eagerness and ability to enter into intimate relationships. She claims that teenagers are regularly watching porn on the web and that "before they have touched another person sexually or entered into any kind of sexual relationship, they have seen hundreds of adult strangers having sex", and unprotected sex, at that.
When Ms Walter was interviewing young women at Cambridge University for her book, she was struck by the fact that all agreed that they would never want a man to see them or have sex if they hadn't depilated their pubic hair. This is tied to porn: they know what men will have seen and what they will expect. Walter points out that - in spite of their high level of education - they hardly realise that, in this world of porn, women are nothing but sex-objects to be used and abused. Teenage boys, on the other hand, became anxious about the size of their penises. Others were worried that porn has become so normalised that anyone objecting to it will be laughed at, even though some are aware of how pornography threatens intimacy.
A report in The Times of London points at research, which suggests that 60 per cent of boys under 16 in the UK have been - accidentally or deliberately - exposed to pornography, even those who have filters in their home PCs (they watch elsewhere). The average amount of time they spend watching pornography on the internet is 90 minutes a week. In Malta, we do not have this kind of data but, from the information we have on the use of pornography websites, we can get an idea of the situation.
At the time of writing this piece, alexa.com - the site which gives information about websites - ranked a particular site for live sex and a porn site respectively at the 22nd and 43rd place in popularity with Maltese users. The live sex site is the 18th most accessed in the UK and the other is the 48th, so we're on fairly similar ground. To put that in perspective with other site rankings for Malta: Facebook is in the first place; di-ve.com in the 33rd place; play.com, the popular free delivery shopping site is in 35th place; skysports.com 50th; amazon.co.uk 54th and cnn.com 58th.
There are tons of literature on how our cultures are becoming "pornified" and the effects this has on relationships. Michael Flood, who carried out a study - Harms of Pornography Exposure Among Children and Young People - at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, published last November, says that "there is compelling evidence from around the world that pornography has negative effects on individuals and communities. We know it is shaping sexual knowledge. Some people may think that is good. But porn is a very poor sex educator because it shows sex in unrealistic ways and fails to address intimacy and connection... Often it is callous and hostile in its depictions of women".
According to Stanley Ruszczynski, clinical director at the NHS foundation trust in London, "even with soft, normal, sexual pornography there is the issue about addiction. The whole thing about relationships is that you have to deal with the reality of the person - you have to negotiate, compromise or adapt to someone's needs. With a piece of pornography you can choose whatever nature of person you want to see. There is a fantasy of omnipotence, a fantasy of being in charge. And that is very anti-relationship, isn't it? No real human relationship is like that".
Some parents rely on web chaperone programmes, which aren't always foolproof, but at some point youngsters are bound to come across porn, so it is best to educate them as much as we can. Those who, like me, work with teenagers and young adults know that this is an issue that must be dealt with. So should parents. The existence of porn and its easy access must be acknowledged and put on the school curriculum. The Personal and Social Development syllabus must include pornography and its effect on relationships. Maybe the starting point should be public debate. We need to speak openly about this reality; by driving the problem underground we leave children and teenagers unprepared and unequipped to deal with it effectively while porn continues to be the new sex education.
Dr Dalli is shadow minister for the public service and government investment.