Old bores almanac for 2010

January:
At long last, the source of all that black dust is discovered. It's not from the Marsa power station after all; apparently, it comes all the way from the Glass Menagerie in Mile End Road, as a result of Jaysin burning all his papers prior to leaving office as the PL's general secretary.

Twenty seven Malta mayors apply for the Popemobile to pass through their particular village. It's the only way they know of getting their roads resurfaced.

The government announces that due to the global economic downturn (and lack of tenants) they are bowing to the inevitable and have decided to rename Smart City... Smart Village (smart move).

The Prime Minister categorically denies that he has personally prohibited the importation and sale of tourist models of the Milan cathedral.

February:
The February issue of Realtà is condemned out-of-hand (and unseen) by the university authorities, the government and the archbishop's curia, as an obscene and subversive publication that is to be banned henceforth. The next day, the February issue of Realtà becomes the biggest selling publication ever in Malta.

Marisa Micallef dumps the PL and joins Alternattiva Demokratika as an adviser to the party. However, she totally denies that in so doing she will become one of Briguglio's bimbos.

A spokesman for PL leader Joseph Muscat denies that the mega wild party held last night at the glass menagerie was in celebration of the lady's departure.

March:
The newly regulated spring hunting season opens in a hail of gunfire. FKNK secretary Lino Farrugia states: "The EU has totally vindicated our inalienable right to slaughter as many birds as we can hit in this spring season.

This is our hobby and anyway... the birds love it."

As work progresses on the Piano project, Astrid Vella campaigns for the preservation of the Yellow Garage steps at City Gate. She explains:

"Otherwise where else will people go in Valletta when they get caught short?"

Vodafone hands out 50,000 free mobile phone-shaped condoms on the university campus.

Elton John is recruited to compose the Malta song for Europe. It is entitled: Little Bużnanna and will be sung by... who else but Mary Spiteri.

April:
The Malta Board of Censors recalls and bans the distribution of all copies of the new telephone directory.

In a statement it asserts that it contains far too many names that may cause offence. In future, anyone with the surname Fox, Cocks, Zoff, Titley, Pienaar or even Az-zop-ardi, will have to go ex-directory.

Dr Thomas Chetcuti Street in Mosta wins the National Pothole of the Year contest for 2010.

The Times reveals that an Mqabba man who keeps 27 fully grown crocodiles in his home swimming pool is not breaking any laws... a few arms and legs maybe, but no laws.

Candles suddenly become in very short supply; because since the new utility rates came into force, nobody can afford to use electricity any more.

May:
A spokesman for MASSACRE, the (Malta Association of Slaughterers of Subservient Avians Culminating in their Ritualistic Extermination) deems the new EU spring hunting rules a complete success: He told us: "By the end of the season nine avian species have been completely wiped out, while a further 15 have been blasted to near extinction."

Ah well, there's always next year to finish the job.

Due to slower than expected economic growth (and incurable over-optimism) a decision is taken at cabinet level to further downgrade Smart Village to the status of Smart Street.

Despite the combined efforts of Elton John, Mary Spiteri, Malta - yet again - fails to get past the semi-finals of the Eurovision Song Contest. A spate of suicides is reported throughout Malta.

Vodafone hand out 50,000 free condom-shaped mobile phones on the university campus.

June:
The Sunday weekly Malta Yesterday reveals - exclusively - that this week there is no government scandal to report. And this - in their view - is the biggest scandal of all.

A huge public furore breaks out after a fashion shoot is allowed to take place in Paceville. One letter to The Times states: "This is so undignified to our loved ones. That could have been my son or your daughter photographed lying stoned on the pavement in Ball Street."

Surprise, surprise: Marisa Micallef announces that she is leaving AD and will be throwing all her weight behind Norbert Jowell's political party Imperial Europa... whatever. AD heaves an audible sigh of relief.

A route bus driver gives a tourist the correct change... by accident, naturally.

July:
Tourism figures for the past six months fall to a record low. The Ministry of Tourism states: "This is entirely due to the world economic crisis. Nobody is holidaying abroad."

Another VAT scandal surfaces when the auditors in Brussels discover that Malta's annual VAT returns figures actually correspond exactly to what they should. The head of Malta's VAT department states: "This is very embarrassing. Somebody's obviously slipped-up badly. I am so ashamed, this is not the Maltese way."

Melita Cable confirms it will be discontinuing its customer care department, with immediate effect. In its place it will be setting up a damage limitation desk.

Due to ever-escalating costs of the Piano project, the government decides to further modify its design for the new parliament building. Now, it seems, the new opera house won't be the only structure at City Gate without a roof.

August:
The PM returns from a summit of world leaders and proclaims it: "An enormous success for Malta and a personal triumph for me. Since nobody could have predicted that during the summit I... would succeed in getting Barack Obama's autograph."

The first ever same-sex civil partnership occurs in Malta when George Fenech and Joe Gasan tie the knot.

Joe Falzon is succeeded as the Malta Environment and Planning Authority's internal auditor by Iċ-Ċaqnu. Now everybody's happy... except the environmentalists - and how many votes do they have?

PL leader Joseph Muscat is admitted to Mater Dei. Happily, it's nothing serious - just a nasty case of haemorrhoids caused by too much sitting on the fence.

September:
Stonecutter Leli Baldachino, 31, of San Ġwann wins the 2010 'bum cleavage of the year' award. It is measured as a staggering 29 centimetres from apex to belt.

With no sign of any more tenants clamouring to set up shop in, what is now known as, Smart Street, the government decides to rename the facility Smart Alley.

The annual survey of local TV channels is abandoned, since nobody watches local stations any more.

In a rather limp attempt to comply with the European Court of Human Rights' decree, the government rules that crucifixes are to be removed from all illegal gambling premises... erm.

October:
In yet another twist of fate Marisa Micallef dumps Norbert Jowell's lot and announces that she is now joining KMB's Front Maltin Inqumu. This sends shock waves reverberating through... absolutely nowhere.

A letter appears in The Times in praise of Melita Cable's service. Now that really is news!

In a major cabinet reshuffle JPO becomes minister of the environment and Tonio becomes minister of aviation... ahem.

In TVM's flagship 'discussion' programme Xarabank, a lively debate on hunting in Malta is climaxed with 24 audience members and all of the panel being hospitalised.

November:
In the annual budget, the Finance Minister announces that the VAT rate is to rise to 25 per cent. This is necessary to help recoup the cash ripped off by all those corrupt VAT officials.

Joseph Muscat is caught on TV sticking his tongue out at the Finance Minister during the budget speech in Parliament. Joseph's mum later told the media: "Yes I saw him and when he gets home, he's going to get a really hard smack on his bare bum for being such a very, very naughty boy.

It is unanimously decided that in future... Malta's national day will fall on November 18. The reason being that this was the day in 1928 that Mickey Mouse was born.

Since the cost of building the new parliament building and the opera house at City Gate has escalated so much, it has been decided to scrap the construction of the new opera house and just concentrate on the parliament building.

December:
Tourism figures for the past six months fall to a new record low. The Tourism Ministry states: "This is entirely due to the world economic upturn. They all want to go somewhere better... erm..."

Full circle: Marisa Micallef returns to the PN... who tell her to get lost. Where next for the peripatetic Marisa? Watch this space, if you can stay awake long enough.

Lou Bondì crosses JPO off his Christmas card list. JPO crosses Joe Saliba off his. As a final ignominy the government reluctantly agrees to a further downsizing of Smart Alley to... Smart Hut.

And if you believe that all the above will definitely come to pass... ha! There's as much chance of it all happening as there is of Lawrence Gonzi being succeeded as PM by a black Jewish lesbian.

A very happy new year to both my readers.