Looking a gift barbie in the mouth

"So what do you want the Krismiss Faaaarthair to bring you pupa?"

"Jien naf! What did you have in mind?"

"Ha, ha... No pupa, it's not Deddy you should ask, it's the Krismiss Farthair eh."

"Daddy, mummy, Christmas Father... whatever. It all comes down to the same thing in the end."

"What do you mean sabbieħa?" Don't you want the Krismiss Faaaarthair to bring you prezints?"

"Sure I do. It's not the source that concerns me, but the loot. In other words, what can you afford to give me?"

"No, no sweetheart. You must write the letter to the Krismiss Faaaarthair, to ask for some nice Krismiss prezints for you."

"Couldn't I send you... him, an e-mail?"

"An e - no you couldn't. When I was your age I always used to write a nice long letter to the Krismiss Faaaarthair and then post it up the chimney."

"Well, since this house is heated by oil-fired central heating and doesn't have any chimneys, what alternative do you suggest?"

"Why not pop it into the letter box."

"I'll bet that would cause a few headaches at Maltapost."

"U ejja pupa you're not making this easy for me. Couldn't you just pretend to write something? To give mummy and me... I mean the Krismiss Faaaarthair an idea of what you would like?"

"Oh alright, I'll knock something up on the computer when I have a minute. Is that all?"

"Xigifiri?"

"Was there something else you wanted? I am a very busy person. If you've got something to say or ask me, do so and then get out of my room."

"Don't ask for anything too expensive sabbieħa. Daddy... I mean Krismiss Faaaarthair has had a very hard year, what with the recession and the economic downturn and all that."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got the message. I read the papers too you know."

"I know pupa, but I don't think you'll get much information on the current economic situation from Shout."

"I was actually referring to your Financial Times; which - for your information, father, dear - I devour with a view to taking up a future career in currency speculation."

"Currency speculation? My, what big words for such a little girl. But let's get back to the Krismiss Faaaarthair and what you'd like him to bring you for Krismiss. Mummy and I were wondering whether perhaps maybe you'd like another Barbie. There's a brand new one out apparently; it's called a wet-nurse Barbie - and comes complete with moving parts. What about that?"

"Give me strength purleez! Barbie? And anyway that's not the latest Barbie; the latest is butch Barbie... and also comes complete with moving parts. Look, if you insist on going through with this frankly ludicrous Christmas Father blag, please give me something useful, like the deeds of a condo or some shares. If not, let's ignore Christmas this year."

"Aw now, now. Think of the pleasure Daddy and Mu - I mean the Krismiss Faaaarthair - gets from bringing you all those lovely prezints direct from Snowland."

"Ah, now I get it. It's not the receiving that rocks your boat, but the giving. You and mummy get an almost orgasmic buzz from loading me down with useless frippery like Barbie and other worthless bits of junk. Look... let's forget the whole thing OK. Let's just pretend that in 2009 Christmas doesn't happen."

"I wish. And what do you think nanna and nannu Micallef and nanna Borg, plus aunty Mavis and uncle Ralph, even aunty Rit- "

"This gets more and more macabre. Not only are you playing the guilt card here; you're also going overboard in the snobbery stakes. Cousin Donatella is getting the latest Barbie, so our precious little daughter must have the same. It's frankly bizarre and more than a little tacky."

U ejja sabbieħa! It's Krismiss... the time of goodwill and excess. Won't you give deddy some idea what you'd like him... I mean Krismiss Faaaarthair to bring for you?"

(Big sigh)

"Oh alright. If you must, then you can get... tell Christmas Father... whatever, to get me a Barbie. I still don't have the WAG Barbie. You can get me that one. Happy now?"