Some people are not born to be funny, though they may act the fool. The other day I was trying to be extra nice to the Missus. At breakfast, I told her “Pass the sugar, sugar.” She glanced at me and raised one eyebrow. I capped this with “Pass the honey, honey.” She raised the other brow till both met her hairline. All she said was “Pass the tea, you old bag.” Then she sniggered. Ah! The wag tailing the dog, I see.

Sometimes, well, sometimes people are amusing without meaning to be. Far be it for me to ridicule the traditions of others. That having been said, I tend to chuckle when anything non-conventional makes the grade – you know, like camels passing through the eye of a needle, storms in teacups, mountains made out of molehills, people eating horses, and such things. I mustn’t forget to mention the hat belonging to Mustrum Ridcully. He’s the current Archchancellor of Unseen University at Discworld, you know.

And while it appears to be a wizard’s hat, complete with pointed tip (underneath which snuggles a bottle of very potent alcohol), it’s not, really. As one would expect in this series, which depends on puns and other forms of world play for the laugh-out-loud effect, the said headgear was made by the archetypical firm of Mad Hatters, and you have to take your hat off to them for their creativity.

In fact, this hat could fill in for all six of Edward De Bono’s hats, and then some. This bespoke hat has drawers (as in storage compartments, not someone who writes cheques, or underwear), as well as tiny pockets that contain a cornucopia of objects. There is enough spare fabric to make a tent if the need should arise for it, and there are extendable supporting struts. A portable stove has been custom-built into it, and there is also a three-day supply of iron rations tucked away in it customised folds, and the hatband is loose enough to accommodate a pistol crossbow (don’t ask).
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So this man knows full well what he’s saying when he doles out advice such as “Never drink any drink with a paper umbrella in it, never drink any drink with a humorous name, and never drink any drink that changes colour when the last ingredient goes in.”

In any case, I would say that anything included in the above categories would taste better than the Lard Glug, which, however, as Homer Simpson is quick to point out, contains neither lard nor glug.

And then, of course, there’s the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Douglas Adams gives the ingredients as including “one bottle of that Ol' Janx Spirit, three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin and four litres of Falilan marsh gas.... and an olive.” The benchmark is a worm of the type found, or not, in bottles of Musquil, Mezcal, Mezcla... or Tequila that is sold to green gringos. The idea behind the addition of the worm is simple – if the worm dissolves, the mixture might be safe to drink, but if the bottom falls out of the pitcher, and the worm lives, the cocktail may be unsafe to drink. Incidentally, Zaphod Beeblebrox has two heads, and so the drink had to be that long so there would be enough for him, er, them.