Jobs for the boys (and girls)

Recently, Sylvanus came across what is probably the hottest document ever. No, it wasn't Jason Micallef's mea culpa letter to Alfred Sant or a minister's expenses claim. It was something far, far hotter.

I'll keep you in suspense no longer. It was... wait for it... the vetoed press application for posts at the soon-to-be (dream on) up and running Spin City. Believe me, although it doesn't sound it, this document is dynamite. And today, censors permitting, I shall regale you with a sample of the job advert.

Unique Opportunity:

Spin City Malta is a concept sitting comfortably on the edge of the precipice of worldwide cyber technology (whatever that means). A hypothesis fronting up the ongoing quest for information, in a climate of futuristic know-how and clear, incisive perceptions of what is - and what may soon be - technologically possible and ergo available. (Er... come again?)

Why we are leading the charge:

Because Spin City Malta is at the forefront of IT innovation and the EU's soon-to-be epicentre for advanced technology, it will also be one of the world's largest and leading bases for each and every one of the main players in today and tomorrow's up-to-date innovations in cyber technology: companies such as Microhard, Apple-Macdonald's, Howlett Peckard, Dumping Doughnuts, The So-knee Corporation, The Nigerian Bank of Dodgy Deals, The Dull Corporation, Zero-x, and more. We're not saying they - or indeed any IT companies - are certain to set up here yet, but we've got our fingers crossed.

Where will you fit in?

We at Spin City are looking for young and not so young - God forbid we should be labelled ageist - energetic, motivated and preferably (though not exclusively) good-looking people, with an in-built dedication and a sense of duty and responsibility. We are on the lookout for these men and women to join our team of elite IT professionals.

Successful candidates will be employed at the most modern IT city in western Europe and beyond. You will be stepping into an environment where technical expertise will be rewarded with commensurate salaries, benefits and grief.

You can expect, eventually, a working environment second to none, a fitting place of work for the truly gifted and the truly grafted in the uppermost echelons of the IT super-highway.

What posts are we offering?

We at Spin City are anxious to recruit fully-qualified professionals to fill the following highly prestigious, truly, madly, deeply responsible, high-salary positions: computer software programmers, office managers, IT developers, personal assistants (females only), night watchmen and lavatory attendants.

What will you get when you join us?

You will receive an annual six-figure salary, plus another six figure yearly bonus. Plus, six weeks paid leave per annum, six weeks paid sick leave, all public holidays in Malta, Dubai and anywhere else not covered by those in Malta and Dubai. You will also be entitled to a further nine months paid pregnancy/paternity leave and another six weeks paid leave just for the hell of it (in fact, by the time you use up all your possible paid leave, it'll hardly be worth your turning up for work at all). You will also be entitled to full car and fuel expenses, mobile phone, fixed home line and full ISP expenses. Oh yes - and you will also get the key to an executive loo.

What you will need before you apply:

Before you apply for any of our attractive vacancies at Spin City you will need: a masters degree in computer sciences at either Oxford, Cambridge or Harvard universities, a doctorate in pure and applied mathematics from either Yale or the Sorbonne, a further doctorate in Information Technology International Law from either the university of Malta, Tashkent university or Miss Janet's Nursery Play School, plus GCSE O level in Polish.

And, finally, considering the fact that we are just a little behind with the construction work at present, it would be very handy if you could also boast a City and Guilds diploma in either bricklaying, plastering, stone cutting or even plumbing and electrical fitting.