Opera for the masses

Good evening and welcome to Valletta, the city built by gentiles for gentiles. And tonight, October 2 2020, we are here on a special occasion... a very special occasion, indeed a very, very special occasion. For tonight, barely 80 years after the Luftwaffe flattened Barry's Royal Opera House, we are lifting the curtain on its worthy successor, the Grand Chiara Opera House and poodle parlour.

Our distinguished invited audience naturally includes all Malta's top brass, plus a veritable glitterati of well-known celebrities and the inevitable plethora of mega nonentities. We haven't seen so many gleaming tiaras on display since the professional wrestlers were in town way back in 2009.

And at last... all are seated (apart from the inevitable few who arrive late just to be seen and to wave to their 'distinguished' friends).

We are all eagerly anticipating the arrival of Maestro Carmine Lauri, who will conduct the Malta National Electronic Orchestra this evening, for the premiere opera performance to be staged in this magnificent brand new white elephant. So, appropriately enough, the opera to inaugurate Malta's national theatre is to be Giuseppe Verdi's Aida.

It is the personal choice of our musical supreme Maestro Fabrizio Faniello - and the main roles will be sung by Maltese. The part of Aida will be interpreted by our very own Dame Ira Losco, Radames will be veteran superstar tenor Joseph Calleja, the Pharaoh is to be sung by Edward Mercieca and his 'daughter' Amneris will be the ever-youthful Mary Spiteri.

We are promised awesome special and lighting effects. We are also promised camels, elephants - yes, real ones - and a chorus comprising several hundred voices, all individually auditioned. And - to ensure total authenticity, every singer who plays a Nubian eunuch is cut out for the part.

Looking around the packed open-air auditorium, I can see among the 'personalities' on display, just over there, trying desperately to catch the attention of the various news cameramen, is bon viveur and our former ambassador to the Solomon Islands, Chevalier Martine Boniface Borg.

Oh, and look who just sauntered in, could it be... yes, it is our own dear Prime Minister and leader of the Green Party coalition Astrid Vella. And here... fashionably late - as usual - VIP, media entrepreneur and veteran TV person Lu Bonzai, arm-in-arm with his near namesake and even higher profile (if that's possible) media mogul Giovanni Bunter.

While waiting for the maestro to emerge from the non-existent backstage 'facilities', we, the audience, have been regaled by warm-up act, Għana, singer to the stars and the one who claims to be the best - Giuseppe Bordello Micallef. He has just exited to a deafening cacophony of total indifference.

But now the buzz of anticipation in the audience tells me we are about to get under way, with the most important performance in the history of Maltese opera.

And yes, the ripple of applause that swells to a crescendo means that musical director Mro Lauri has entered and edged his way towards the orchestra pit. He bows to the audience, then raises his baton to signal the playing of the national anthem, as President Tony Zarb enters the presidential enclosure.

The entire audience, well, those who can, stand to attention as the massed synthesisers of our national orchestra play the anthem.

And now, with that out of the way, we can all settle down to watch the performance. The baton is raised and the overture signals the start of what promises to be - Oh, was that a drop of rain I felt. Surely not... oh, there's another, and another. OK everybody, run for cover, it's pouring!

So much for a roofless theatre. Whose bright idea was that?