No seriously, this country's going med. It's true ta!

Let me tell you... the day before yesterday jien, I, was driving my car down St Joseph's High Road, Ħamrun, at 8.10 a.m., when my mobile ringed (sic). It's a new one ta - and I made it sort of William Tell x'għidulu... tarrara, tarrara tarra tum te ta. You know how goes it eh. M'anafx who wroted (sic) (no more sics, the rest of the grammar is as bad, if not worse). Forsi it was Lennin u McCarthy x'igħdulom.

Anyway... my mobile it ringed for me, so while I is drive along I answer it. Huq, if the mobile ring... bil forz you must answer it eh! I mean, forsi it's important jew. And, this time it was important, very important. It was my mummy phone from her house to ask me if I am coming to her place to eat for lunch. How much more important do you want it to be?

So, there I am drive it my car down the St Joseph's High Road and speak with my mummy on my mobile. And - since she gone a bit deaf from her ears, I must shout a bit into my mobile, fil cas she won't hear me eh.

She ask to me how is me, għax I don't speak with her since yesterday evening. Imbaqd I tell to her I not bad eh, imma Geoffrey - my eldest - got a bit the griżmej. She say: "Ajma hej! I hope is not from the swine flew but. So don't bring him near me till you is sure it's not."

Imbaqd I ask to my mother what she is cooking for lunch. Għax if she is make it ros fil-forn, she knows I don't take from it. Mind if she's make it timpana, follow by ciangar fil-forn, ma potajtowz u pizzeli frowzin... then I will take from it.

So I am driving hekk, through the rush-hour traffics, quiet and don't make trouble for nobody... nobody.

Then - you don't believe me - you know what heppin? When I come near the Ħamrun lassa, from near it step him the pulizija... dritt in front from my car; hold it up his hend so, and shout me: "Stop!"

So I stop eh. X'tagħmel. Mind still I am speak it with my mummy from my mobile. Għax she is still tell me what she must cook for me. And I want to know eh; so as to tell her if I go near her to eat.

Imma this pulis he say to me: "Why you have only one hand on the steering wheel so as to control your car?" Mhux it's obvious, għax I need the other hand to hold it my mobile phone so as to speak with my mummy. How stupid are they these pulis?

Mind I shout with him for stop me in my car - and for nothing, għax I don't want to come late for my work eh. So then this pulis... this idiot, he book me for not wear it the seat-belt! Miġnun! How stupid he is! Għax for goodness sake; how can I wear it the seat-belt, while at the same time speaking on my mobile and changing the station on my radio... while at the same time drive it my car? The seat-belt get in the way... mhux obvia?

U le! Like I tell to you, this country gone med, completely med! Stenna, my mobile she's ring for me. Aw Ma! Ehe... żomm, wait, I'm just coming near a roundabout...