Better sorry than safe

"Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the Over-To-Gozo Ferry Company Limited, and speaking for the captain and crew, I would like to welcome you all aboard the company's flagship: the SS Pal Għawdċin. Our crossing should - all things being equal - take no more than 25 minutes, so keep your fingers crossed.

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that our Cordon Bleu cafeteria is now serving overpriced beverages and rather nasty snacks in the lounge. This can be located just opposite the open doors of the ladies' and gents' rest rooms. So if your eyes don't guide you there... your nose certainly will.

You are free to make use of all the public areas on the ferry; but please take care because the exposed decks and gangways may become slippery when wet. And all the first-aid kits have gone missing.

If you do have to go below decks for any reason, may we please implore you not to lean too heavily on the ship's outer hull; you may go straight through the paintwork and out into the drink.

Oh, and please don't stay below in a vehicle on the car deck because should anything untoward happen, it has long been established, beyond any doubt, that, sadly, most automobiles do not float.

In the event of an emergency, that may take many forms, such as becoming overcome by fumes when you enter the WC, collapsing with disbelief in the ferry's cafeteria when you hear the price of a beer or a soft drink; or when the ferry sinks, all we ask is that you do not, repeat, not panic.

Should the last mentioned calamity occur, just relax - because there will be absolutely nothing that anybody can do. If this baby gets holed below the water line, believe me, she will sink like a brick in a bucket.

Should the emergency alarm sound, it will be a miracle, since the alarms haven't worked since we bought this ferry in an auction of condemned goods back in 1956.

To reiterate, in the event of an urgent situation, all passengers are requested to make their way to the nearest emergency disembarkation point. This is indicated by the signs reading 'emergency disembarkation point'. These signs should light up when the crisis warning is given. But don't worry, they won't, 'cos someone stole all the bulbs that would ordinarily have illuminated at this time.

If the emergency is an acute one, the order to 'abandon ship' will be given by the captain... if we can find him. But please note there is no point in congregating near the lifeboats since some smartass painted over all the winches and we can no longer launch any of them. But like I said before: do not panic!

Our staff are trained to deal with most, if not all, eventualities. Charlie the boatswain is trained in needlepoint. Eric the leading seaman is trained in Tai Chi and Norman the chief steward is trained in both tap and ballroom dancing and has several certificates to prove it.

But in the unlikely event that all is indeed lost and we do go down, you have two options: All strong swimmers are advised to immediately abandon ship and swim towards either the shores of Malta, Gozo or Comino... whichever looks the nearest; or, for the rest of you - those unable to swim - you are requested to make your way in an orderly manner to the aft end of the ferry, where the ship's chaplain will lead you all in several choruses of Abide With Me.

The chaplain, Fr Ignatius Bonello Wismayer, would also like it known that, during said emergency, he is prepared to perform the last rites on anyone requesting them... naturally, for a small fee.

All the above is purely hypothetical of course, since this ferry is probably one of the safest ploughing the Mediterranean, and we at the Over-To-Gozo Ferry Company Limited are perfectly certain that absolutely nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong... go wrong... go wrong... go...