Every day hundreds of women wake up to another day of fear and abuse. Last year over 700 people appeared in court charged with offences related to domestic violence. Claudia Calleja speaks to a woman who is living this abuse and probes the mind of a reformed abuser.

Living in fear

Jane* would give anything to replace the fear that dominates her life and that of her children with the simple freedom to go for a walk or listen to music without the need for her husband's approval.

She would love to be able to wake up in the morning knowing that her husband will not be there to hit them, order them around and threaten to slit her throat in front of the children.

But Jane is exhausted. After a decade of being beaten, she has had enough. Her strength is waning and she is not sure she has the courage to free herself of his grip.

"All I want is a normal life. I want to be free of him... but I'm starting to lose faith. I don't believe in justice anymore. For too long he has been allowed to ruin our lives. I tried to seek help from the police but they didn't stop him. I'm not sure I believe in God anymore," she said.

When she met her husband she always knew he was a domineering person. But violence did not feature among his traits back then.

It all started after they got married - that was when he imposed his right to own her life.

"He would dictate what colour I had to dye my hair and only give me the money I needed to buy essentials. There were times when he would wake me in the middle of the night to have sex and I had no choice," she recalls.

"At first I'd answer back and he'd beat me. Fists would fly. He'd kick and throw objects at me. With time I learnt to keep quiet. But that did not help. He'd get angry because I was quiet and did not answer him. There was no reason for the violence, it just happened."

At times he would direct his rage at the children. "It's not the first time I jumped in between his fist and the children."

She tried to leave but he would find her, beat her like there was no tomorrow and threaten to kill her in front of the children.

When the case once ended up in court she dropped the charges for fear of retribution.

She has now managed to flee but she is afraid he will find her. "I don't want to stay underground. I want a normal life for me and the children. Sometimes I think that, if he kills me, at the least the children will stop hearing him threaten me."

Jane encourages women to seek help but more importantly she is pleading with the justice authorities to do more to stop the violence.

"Perhaps they shouldn't wait for a desperate woman to seek help but intervene themselves. Does blood have to be shed for something to be done?"

Owning up

It was not easy for Pete* to look at his reflection in the mirror and recognise that he was staring at an abuser in the face.

"Throughout my many years of marriage I never beat my wife so it took me a while to realise all the emotional and psychological abuse I was inflicting onto her. With this type of abuse there are no bruises but today I know that I've caused a lot of damage. I am an abuser," he said.

Pete and his wife both had a troubled childhood. Compared with the abuse she suffered at home, marrying him was the lesser evil. Although he was never physically violent he exercised his control over her through mind games.

"It was a string of little things. I wanted to control everything. I decided how much money to give her. I snapped at her in public for petty things such as taking her purse out too slowly at the supermarket. Even in bed, I decided what we did and at times it was almost sadistic.

"If she cried I'd get angry at her and if she laughed it would irritate me. She could not show emotions."

As a child Pete was beaten by his father and emotions were never allowed. "One of the things that used to drive me crazy was when my wife told me I was turning into my father," he said.

Whenever Pete's wife tried to stand up to him he would hurl fists at the furniture to scare her. "Today I realise there was no guarantee I would never hit her."

Eventually Pete realised that he had a choice and, a few years ago, he sought help at Appoġġ's Perpetrators' Service where he learnt to deal with emotions, take time out when he feels anger build up and recognise he is an abuser.

The programme involves group sessions that span 22 weeks. Before acceptance into the programme, abusers are individually screened by a professional to establish their suitability for the group. After the group programme, participants are also encouraged to receive continued support through an ongoing support group.

"I wanted to fix myself. I used to think I didn't know I was doing something wrong but, with hindsight, I did. I just wouldn't accept criticism of any kind not even from myself. I've had to unlearn who I was and realise that I had a choice to break the cycle and not be like my father," he said.

Speaking up

We are taught that whatever goes on between husband and wife is nobody's business. But the moment one person subjects their partner to any form of abuse it becomes society's business and 'interfering' is our duty.

The Commission on Domestic Violence is calling on the public to speak out about any abuse they are aware of to help stop the violence that goes on behind closed doors.

"So long as people continue to consider domestic violence as something private, we will never be able to overcome the abuse. There is no excuse for violence," commission chairman Marceline Naudi said.

For abuse to be classified as domestic violence, there has to be an element of power and control by the abuser and fear experienced by the victim.

The vast majority of victims of domestic violence, about 97 per cent, are women. This is mainly due to social reasons, as men are still expected to be the ones in control.

Last year, 719 people were charged with offences related to domestic violence - but the actual figure is thought to be much higher than that.

In an attempt to answer this question, the commission is planning to carry out a nationwide EU-funded prevalence survey.

Data collection is the role of one of the sub-committees of the commission that was set up in 2006 to advise the government on policy regarding domestic violence, Dr Naudi explains.

Another sub-committee focuses on service development and identifying problems so they can be tackled. For example, after noting the need for police protection for women going to court, a fund was set up to pay for private police.

The sub-committee also tackled the issue of mental health problems brought about by years of abuse. An agreement was reached with the Richmond Foundation to provide psychological services to workers in the field who encounter women in need.

Seeking help

Victims of violence who feel at risk or in danger must tell someone, preferably a trusted member of the family or a close friend. Seek immediate help and file a police report. One of the first points of call is Appoġġ's Domestic Violence Services that supports and empowers victims, helps them find emergency shelters and refers them to any other necessary and appropriate services.

Offenders can start by talking to their doctor or going to see a psychologist or psychiatrist who may refer them to Appoġġ's perpetrators' service, which assists men who are abusive within intimate relationships.

Appoġg can be contacted on 2295 9000 or by dialling the freephone 179. Police reports can be filed by the people involved or by third parties.

* Names have been changed.