An alternative and more realistic highway code

The alternative and more realistic Highway Code proposed by Alan Quigley in a recent letter entitled The Other Side Of Safe Driving is fairly comprehensive. Nevertheless, having experienced the joys of driving in Malta for longer than he, I would like to suggest the following additions:

1. Black and white stripes in the road denote zebra crossings. These are allegedly for pedestrians crossing the highway but there is no need to give way since pedestrians do not pay road tax and, in any case, are likely to be wimpish foreigners as locals cross wherever there is the shortest distance between two points.

2. No waiting signs mean that vehicles should not be left at the location for more than a few hours while one does the weekly shopping.

3. There is no need to go around mini-roundabouts, just plough straight ahead. Right of way goes to those who aggressively and quickly move forward ignoring all other drivers. Intimidatory tactics are particularly successful if driving vehicles such as buses, heavy lorries and large SUVs.

4. Restrictions on parking are an abomination since everyone knows that the Maltese have a divine right to park wherever and whenever they wish. Zebra crossings make especially good parking lots for short stays.

5. Children and pets should not be restrained while travelling as this is cruel. Allow them to occupy themselves by jumping around the vehicle or let youngsters stand between the two front seats so they can join in any conversation. Very small children can be kept happy by holding them gently on the lap of the front passenger.

6. There is no need to maintain vehicles in a roadworthy condition. Defective lights, bald tyres, malfunctioning brakes, black smoke emitting exhausts and dust laden windows should not deter one from driving. It is up to others to take avoidance measures.

7. Do not be deterred by one-way streets. It is more important not to waste fuel by taking an unnecessary detour of a few hundred metres, particularly if a parking space is available. Alternatively you may consider reversing up the street so you cannot be criticised for pointing the wrong way.

8. At night save your battery by switching off headlights when driving in town as street lighting should be sufficient. In rural areas never dip your lights but use your main beam so that oncoming traffic can better see you.

9. Do not drink and drive lest the bottle in your hand inhibits essential activities like using your mobile, petting the dog or adjusting the CD player to ensure that everyone within a wide radius can appreciate your choice of music. If you must imbibe alcohol do so before you get in the vehicle. You can then drive slowly in the centre of the road so that you do not stray onto the verges. This technique is particularly useful following extended family lunches at the weekend. The chances of meeting a police officer with a functioning breathalyzer is as remote as meeting a penguin at the North Pole.

Finally may I reassure Mr Quigley that the association between driving in Malta and the widening of his wife's vocabulary is not unique. The invective that comes from my wife during car journeys has been much enhanced over the past seven years.