What are the rules of social kissing in Malta? I have to say I'm at a loss.

Lately I seem to have been facing several dilemmas when greeting people: to kiss or not to kiss? Cheek-to-cheek, or mwah-mwah in mid-air? One kiss or two? Right cheek first, or left? Do I lay a hand loosely on the other person's shoulder, or firmly squeeze their upper arm? Or should I stick a simple handshake? Or what if I'm faced with the frighteningly complex, MTV-like hip-hop fistshake (even the mere thought makes my fingers go limp).

Yes. The rise and rise of the social kiss has created a whole new set of excruciating etiquette issues. It seems to be a worldwide phenomenon: a social study carried out by the University of California reveals that: "We now kiss people we used to hug, hug people we used to shake hands with, and shake hands with people we used to nod to."

Most European countries seem to have their own fixed rules about greeting, as I painstakingly learnt when I used to teach English to foreigners: the Swiss greet each other with three kisses, as do the Belgians. The Italians and the Spanish pucker up for a kiss per cheek each time they meet up. Russians - I can't recall - although I'd have thought that their Prime Minister's topless photoshoot (again) is enough to put anybody off any kind of contact.

People from Brittany give out four bisous and really, elsewhere in France, anything between one and four kisses can be acceptable depending on who you're kissing and how well the two of you know each other. Also, I am of the understanding that the Scottish don't do greeting kisses at all (I once had one long-suffering Scottish colleague who had to contend with a bevy of bacio-eager Italians).

What about us? Somewhere along the colonial path we lost our Mediterranean approach to greeting and we were mostly advocates of old-fashioned, let's-keep-our-distance-thank-you handshake. Now in most social circles we are huggin' and kissin' with the best of 'em.

I've thought about it long and hard and came to the conclusion that the manner you greet someone in Malta depends on the social circle, the job you have and your social status. In short, the more money you have in your pocket, the more you tend to kiss. Mind, we're not talking big smackers on the lips here, but a particular style of slight skin contact air-kissing.

For example, when I lived in Luxembourg, because the European Union provided us with generous salaries, we, the members of the Maltese expat community, used to kiss all the time. We'd meet everyday at work and then everyday at the weekends, all the time laboriously kissing and hugging as if Saturday morning was the first day we were seeing each other after the long summer lay-off.

But perhaps it was also a way to seal our Mediterranean identity from the rest of our (stiff) Eastern European colleagues. In a way, we wanted to defy their wooden body language by flaunting our boisterousness: go on givvus a kiss; we're Maltese, we seemed to be saying.

Back in Malta, outside the lines of patriotic vibes and with everybody on different salary packs, the rules of when to kiss and not to kiss and who and how to kiss are not so clear.

What's more, it's ever so easy to get it wrong. You've been there, I'm sure: you opt for a single brisk peck, deliver said kiss and open your eyes - to find the kissee still leaning hopefully forward, opposite cheek proffered for a follow-up.

Dammit. In confusion and embarrassment, you plunge in with your second, just as he or she withdraws; or moves the other way, for the kiss to end up on the lips. Arrggh!

And we're only talking men-to-women, women-to-women greetings.

What about men-to-men?

As always, it's easier for them: it's either a nod, which comes in various degrees of enthusiasm or lots of macho hand slapping.

That is, unless you are a Maltese MP, in which case men-to-men greetings resemble Monsieur Sarkozy's signature two-handed grab (possibly it's a position which allows him to look macho and rise on his tip toes at the same time. Lest we forget, most of our MPs also have height issues).

So, I say: handshakes for people I just met, two kisses for colleagues and friends, pecks and hugs for family and close friends. And anybody else just gets a nod.

Please enlighten me if I've got my mwah-mwahs all wrong.