As with any pandemic, the recent swine flu alert has given rise to its own instant folklore. Ring the doctor at the very first sneeze, hang garlic cloves in the WC, have the pet Pot-Bellied Vietnamese pig exorcised... all totally unnecessary, or are they?

Today we present the thinking hypochondriac's approach to swine flu. Or in other words... how to survive, when all around you are keeling over.

Dos:
Do please always think positively, in the face of a dose of swine flu, even if the eventual outcome is totally negative.

When you sneeze, do so into a metal bucket. A plastic bucket is too flimsy and may leak, spreading germs (and you wouldn't want that now, would you?) Sneezing into a handkerchief is worse than useless and merely acts as an efficient propagating agent for swine flu.

Do always ensure that any sausages you buy are beef sausages. It should say so on the pack.

Do make sure your life insurance policy is both up-to-date and covers you for pandemics.

If you currently do not have a comprehensive life insurance policy, do take one out quick... especially if you are an inhabitant of a certain village in Gozo.

Do please wash your hands with both soap and antiseptic whenever you use the WC, even if it just for a quick leak. And please remember it is not safe to drink from the water in the cistern. It may taste better that the stuff in the plastic bottles, but it should really either be boiled or diluted with a generous slurp of Scotch whisky before it is safe for human consumption.

Do always carry a can of pepper spray conspicuously about your person. While it has absolutely no effect whatsoever on the H1N1 virus that causes swine flu, if anyone carrying the disease approaches your person it acts as a mighty effective deterrent.

Never ever leave home without wearing your surgical face-mask. And since this will make you virtually unrecognisable, hang a large placard around your neck (facing both front and back) with your name on it in three-inch high letters, so everyone will know who's behind the mask.

If you do have to venture into or near an area where swine flu is prevalent, before you go to bed, gargle with a glassful of very strong disinfectant. But caution should be exercised not to swallow any, since it is infinitely more unpleasant to die from disinfectant poisoning than it is to cop a nasty dose of swine flu.

Do be nice to pigs... it's not their fault.

Don'ts:
Guys, don't believe the rumours going round that having swine flu makes you go blind. That is something else entirely different and totally unrelated.

Don't, whatever you do, ever feel tempted to kiss a pig. They may look sweet when they are little, but they are really quite disgusting and make very demanding lovers.

Don't confuse swine flu with ordinary common or garden bog-standard flu. You'll know if you have swine flu when you are unwell with flu symptoms and also experience an irresistible urge to root for truffles.

If you happen to be unfortunate enough to catch a dose of swine flu, try not to breathe out as much as you are used to doing. In fact, if possible... try not to breathe out at all.

Don't buy and consume any smoky bacon crisps or savouries during, and for some time after, the current swine flu outbreak.

Don't take any notice of people who claim that swine flu is a sexually transmitted disease. This is totally untrue: You cannot - repeat cannot - catch swine flu from doing you-know-what with a pig. And I am living proof of this.

Don't think you are immune from the risk of catching swine flu just because you are either Jewish or a Muslim and don't happen to eat pork. It has ways of getting you. Even vegetarians aren't safe.

Oh yes, and finally...

Don't take a blind bit of notice of the swine flu related instructions issued in the local media. You know, the ones that told you yesterday that if you feel the symptoms of swine flu coming on you should go straight to your doctor. Yet, today tell you exactly the opposite - to stay home and summon the doctor to come to you.

Good luck!

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