On the bounce...

"Good morning Mr un... and you are what is known as a bouncer, right?"

"Duh."

"And we... are the board charged with the task of ascertaining whether you are suitable to carry out your chosen profession, within the strict parameters laid down by the Ministry of Justice."

"Duh."

"Yes well. Oh, please sit down won't you."

"Duh."

"Why doesn't he sit down?"

"Um, if you would permit me Mr Chairman. I think I know how to make him sit down."

"Do you? Oh very well then Paul, make him sit down will you."

"Thank you Mr Chairman. DOWN BOY! SIT!"

"It worked! Oh well done. Now then... just where do you perform your duties as um bouncer?"

"Duh."

"If I may, Mr Chairman. He is a bouncer at the Sangria Nightclub and White Supremacist Disco in Paceville."

"Is that correct, Mr er?"

"Duh."

"And how long have you been working there?"

"Duh."

"He has, Mr Chairman, been employed as a bouncer at said establishment for the past three months."

"Really! So he'll be up for a long-service bonus soon, won't he?"

"Duh."

"Jolly good. Now then, you regard yourself as a professional um bouncer, do you?"

"Duh."

"So where did you train for this your chosen profession?"

"Duh."

"If I may, Mr Chairman. He did his basic training down on the Senglea waterfront, as a member of one of the many gangs that ahem... train there. And if I may say so, it is probably the best schooling ground of all."

"Excellent! So what exactly do your duties entail?"

"Duh."

"Again, if I may Mr Chairman. His duties entail patrolling the street in front of the Sangria Nightclub and White Supremacist Disco, Paceville."

"To deter undesirable characters from trying to gain entrance, no doubt?"

"Precisely, Mr Chairman. There are a great many ahem... unsavoury types in that particular area, as you are no doubt aware."

"Oh yes, quite. Some very nasty types I'm sure. And well Mr um... you are a big fellow; a very, very big fellow. So I'm sure your deterrent factor is extremely effective. Right?"

"Duh."

"Er..."

"Yes Mildred; you wished to ask Mr um a question?"

"If I may, Mr Chairman."

"Yes of course; pray continue."

"Thank you. Now then Mr um... tell me, if you happen to see two young chaps causing a disturbance by fighting in the street outside the place of your employ; one of whom is a white chap and the other a... well a somewhat tinted... person. What do you do?"

(At this the interviewee becomes extremely agitated and thrashes his arms around, while grunting loudly and foaming at the mouth)

"If I may interpret, Mr Chairman."

"Yes of course Paul. Do please."

"He said. Obviously, since the er... tinted person would have been engaging in an extreme act of unprovoked pugilism and was therefore the primary aggressor, he would have acted to restrain this assailant in both a professional, unambiguous and immediate manner."

"Which translates as...?"

"He would kick his head in."

"Yes, well, that seems a perfectly reasonable response to me. Yes, Mildred?"

"I'd like to ask Mr um bouncer; what about the non-tinted member of the aforementioned affray?"

(The interviewee merely shrugs)

"Again, if I may interpret Mr Chairman... Mildred?"

"Please Paul, go ahead."

"On this occasion he implied that since the er less tinted person is obviously the victim of the tinted person's unprovoked and - may I say - violent and crazed aggression, he would have picked him up, dusted him down and then held the door open to more easily facilitate this totally innocent person's unfettered entry into the Sangria Nightclub and White Supremacist Disco."

"Thank you Paul. Yes well, it all seems very clear to me. This gentleman is most definitely made of the stuff that this country needs to protect its entertainment establishments."

"So, Mr Chairman, I assume that you will be recommending that he be given a licence to practise as a fully-licensed bouncer."

"Absolutely not!"

"No?"

"No, instead I shall be recommending - in the strongest possible terms - that at the next cabinet reshuffle, the Prime Minister should appoint him Minister of Justice."