Let's all be beastly to the Italians...

Well they deserve it, no? OK... Hands up all those who think the Italians have behaved abominably over the illegal immigrants issue... Gracious me, it's unanimous, I even see a few Italians with their hands up (or are they are doing a Mussolini?).

But before I get down to really rubbishing the Itis, I should declare an interest here. Yes, I too have more than a dribble of Italian blood stuttering through my veins. But I certainly won't let that prevent me from venting my spleen at their recent selfish shenanigans.

So let's start at the top... in more ways than one. Yes, let's first scatter asunder Silvio. What does he look like? No, I mean what? With that ridiculous hair transplant (it looks like it fell on rather barren ground) and all those nips and tucks. He really does resemble an unfortunate liaison between Mike Bongiorno and Berlusconi's own Spitting-Image puppet.

It's no wonder his missus is dumping him. Well, would you want to wake up next to that every morning? Baron Frankenstein did a better job on his monster.

And still the sad old plonker thinks he can pull pre-pubescent chicks! Ludicrous? Yes. Desperate? Certainly. So the obvious way to get up Silvio's nose is to cast reasonable aspersions on his prowess and pulling power. Not difficult, the poor old devil is practically in his dotage anyway.

I have to admit that my new-found antipathy towards our northern neighbour has given rise to, and will in future, cause me some mixed emotions. But I am willing to pass-up even my deep (and previously undying) love for my adored football club Juventus, in the cause.

I never thought I could do it, but there you have it... straight from the word processor. Get thee behind me Juve! I won't go so far as to start supporting any of the hated English clubs, oh no. But I shall soon channel my affections to Barcelona, or maybe Dinamo Zagreb... or possibly even Bayern Munich - (even if they do still have an Italian striker).

Let's be clear here. Italy has waved the big stick at little Malta over the illegal immigrants issue - and that is nothing short of bullying. In the old days, when we were a colony, the Brits would have simply sent a gunboat to sort it all out. And that would have stopped the aggressors in their tracks.

And yes, we can still flex our own muscles in the defence of our realm and to convince the Italians to face-up to their responsibilities. It won't even take a gunboat either, our Latin neighbours are not really noted for their prowess on the battlefields of Europe.

There is a wonderful anecdote, which I am assured is true, of a unit of Italy's crack force of bersaglieri who were training for a display at the UK's Royal Tournament at Earls Court in London. After rehearsing for a morning, the commander of the unit approached the tournament's director - a crusty old British army colonel and World War II veteran - to complain that his men could not possibly run on the arena's surface of sand. The old colonel snorted and apparently replied: "Really, that's strange... you managed alright in north Africa in 1944."

So I think sending a gunboat would be totally unnecessary, it might even constitute overkill. No, all we need do is kit-up the Birżebbuġa Boy Scouts troop (or the Għargħur Girl Guides or even the Benghisa Brownie pack) with a speed boat. Then send them in pursuit of any aggressive Italian warships who threaten to divert the next boatload of illegals away from Lampedusa and towards our shores. As soon as the Italians spy our kids bearing down on them... just watch them vanish over the horizon.

Simple really.