It's all in the game...

"So, coach; who do you reckon is their most dangerous player?"

"Ooh, tricky one. See, their threat is going to come from a number of areas."

"I've heard that they've got a pretty useful winger."

"Yeah, but he can easily be stopped."

"Really? So what's it going to take to stop him?"

"About €500."

"Then it's worth it, no?"

"Absolutely."

"What about their Congolese striker?"

"Twelve goats, three suckling pigs and 14 chickens."

"Cheaper then, eh?"

"And better value; he's their main danger man."

"But what if he doesn't accept?"

"Oh he will, but... in the unlikely event of him rejecting my very generous offer, I have a plan B."

"Yeah, and what's that then coach?"

"I will guarantee him free private hospital treatment for his broken leg."

"But he hasn't got a broken leg."

"Not yet, no. But just trust me on this one... OK?"

"OK, coach. So if those are their main strengths, what are their weaknesses?"

"That's easy, their left-sided centre back and their goalkeeper."

"But they are both full Malta internationals."

"Exactly. I rest my case."

"Sorry if I seem thick but... why do you reckon they are their major weaknesses?"

"Well, for a start, their centre back has been changing his women rather too frequently lately - and his current bit of stuff is a very, very expensive Ukrainian 'lady'."

"So what'll it cost us?"

"I reckon we can get him for 2K."

"Cheap at half the price."

"Exactly."

"And the goalie?"

"Ah, well now. I just happen to know he still owes quite a bit of cash on his second Ferrari."

"The one he got when he was in the bag for the Spartaks game?"

"No, that was a Kris Kraft. The second Ferrari he acquired when he scored that spectacular own-goal against Għadira Canaries."

"So that should guarantee us the points on Saturday then."

"Almost; I still have to deal with their coach."

"Do you foresee any problems there?"

"Hopefully, not. I've already been in touch - and at the moment he's mulling over 10K and a top-of-the-range SUV to set up his tactics for the game along the lines of the ones I suggested to him."

"Which were?"

"Man to man marking of his own midfield and strikers by his back four."

"And you reckon that should see us through then?"

"Of course there's always the referee."

"Ah."

"But I've already worked out a compromise arrangement with him."

"Which is?"

"He'll give them a penalty in the 12th minute of the first half."

"You're joking?"

"Wait. Then he'll give us at least two spot kicks in the second half. That way everybody will be happy... and even the bookies will be in pocket, since they are asking for two goals for the opposition before paying out."

"Brilliant!"

"Yeah I think so. And that takes care of almost everything."

"Almost... everything?"

"Yes, see there's just one teensy, weensy smidgen of a doubt still lingering in my head."

"Really coach, what's that then?"

"I'm getting the nod from my very reliable sources that you lot have already sold the game to the opposition!"