If you have ever wondered who, in this country, is looking after our security, guarding our borders 24/7 against the threat of a foreign insurgency, you can all sleep easy in your beds. You see I, Sylvanus now have conclusive proof that we are being protected against any such threat by a bunch (well, two actually) of hardened security professionals dedicated to keeping our shores clear of any external threat to Malta and Gozo.
And how did I come by this top-secret information? - (The file was marked 'Highly dangerous and top secret document... don't peek') - I'll tell you. I actually picked it up on a seat in a number 46 bus. Yes, some retarded jobsworth spook had actually left it lying around in the public domain, for anyone to get hold of and read.
Now you may say that, seeing as how it was marked 'Highly dangerous and top secret information... don't peek' it was my duty to take it straight to the police or - to ensure it remained classified information - to hand it to the nearest local warden. Now it's not that I don't trust them, it's just that - like any responsible citizen - I was dying to see what the envelope contained.
So I opened it - Well... how were they to know I didn't find it like that? - And examined the contents. To say they were hot stuff is some understatement: They were positively vindaloo!
It even included the name of the guy who heads up our Maltese version of the CIA, his name is Leli Cutajar Hamilton... true! He is the C in C of the Malta Emergency Security Services MESS. So I rang him up (like you do) and arranged to meet over a coffee, to ask him a few pertinent questions. Well, why not?
Surely the security of our island home is of interest to every Maltese citizen. True, he was a bit tight-lipped at first, but when I ratcheted up the pressure by telling him that if he didn't co-operate I'd blow his cover and release details of the organisation he heads to Peppi Azzopardi, he relented and grudgingly gave me the following interview.
Sylvanus: Are you affiliated with or recognised by any of the major worldwide security services?
Leli Cutajar Hamilton: Yes, of course.
Syl: Which ones?
LCH: All of them eh!
Syl: The Mossad, CIA, MI6...
LCH: Eżatt... even MI7, plus GBH, TVM, AK 47...
Syl: Right. And do you currently have a large numbers of operators in the field?
LCH: Operajxins?
Syl: OK; do you have a large number of agents in the field?
LCH: U le! Skuzi but... we never find no spies in no field! X'afarrijiet dawn!
Syl: I'll rephrase the question: Do you have a large number of security agents working for you?
LCH: There's only me but... Oh and my kuġin Challie - when he come off shift at the Tarzna. But he know from this work good ta! Għax he been part-time watchman at Where's Everybody.
Syl: Wow! But what qualifications do you... and Challie have that make you suitable for this kind of work?
LCH: Ooooh qualifi... x'għijdulomm kemm trid sinjur. Challie been five years with the Brigata and jien... Jien I seen The Spy Who Loved Me in from dee Cold... 15 times... ukoll! Ta James Bondin ta.
Syl: Yes, I am moderately familiar with the genre. Moving quickly on... From where do you think the greatest threat to our security will come?
LCH: Huq! Mhux from the Mjuslis.
Syl: Pardon me but... Don't you mean Muslims?
LCH: Like I tell to you. From there it come eh.
Syl: What about all these illegal immigrants landing on our shores?
LCH: What illegal militants?
Syl: Yes I see. That's pretty much the government's response as well. One final question: What happens if you... or Challie do find an actual enemy agent or agents among us?
LCH: Whether me find him or Challie, the procedure is the same eh.
Syl: And what does that er procedure entail?
LCH: We report him to the nearest local warden... mhux obvia!
Impressive isn't it. And now even I truly believe that with dedicated professionals like that safeguarding our island's security, we can all sleep easy in our beds... or not.