Finding the right balance in our parenting style

A master once sent a student into the forest to watch a butterfly break out of its cocoon. The student watched in amazement as it inched its way out.

'It seems like a hard task for such a small insect,' thought the boy, and, with the best intentions in the world, he decided to make its life easier by breaking the cocoon himself.

To his joy the butterfly flew out. But soon the butterfly swirled to the ground and died. The bewildered student walked back to the master seeking an explanation.

"You see," said the master, "the struggle to get out of the cocoon was very important because, in the process, the butterfly's wings gained the strength needed to soar high up and fly away. Your butterfly had an easy way out but was not prepared for life."

This story often reminds me of a common parenting pattern I come across in my work with parents. Unfortunately, babies do not come with a parenting manual, and often new parents base their style on how they were brought up themselves, or the opposite.

When quality time between parents and children decreases, and mundane pressure increases, parents are tempted to make up for this becoming indulgent. They pamper and shower children with presents, or give in to the children's whims. Few if any boundaries are set, and even fewer responsibilities are given to the children. Many parents remark that they do not want their children to be burdened with chores or lack anything they wish for.

Psychologist Alfred Adler stressed the importance of tenderness, in terms of love and warmth, in the upbringing of children. He said if we are in love with our children we must be tender. But extremes have a negative side. Tenderness is a two-sided coin with opposite meanings. It can mean warmth and love, or it can mean soreness and pain.

Pampering and indulgence are neither tender nor healthy. Both rob the child of the satisfaction of effort and achievement. Psychologist Robert William Lundin pointed out in a 1989 paper that, "pampering should not be confused with tenderness. One can be tender and still allow the child to be independent. One can spoil a child and not be tender, by forcing a child to be dependent on the adult."

Tenderness can heal but extreme tenderness can hurt. This brings to mind a metaphor I use with parents. If one is very fond of a young plant, and out of fondness, give it a bucket of water and fertiliser every day, the end result would be a dead plant. When this is applied to children, the end result is a child who is not well prepared to face life's tasks.

There is what I would call a parenting pendulum. There are opposite parenting styles at either end of the pendulum swing, a middle point, and variants of these styles in between the three main positions. I call the three main points of the pendulum swing the three 'Cs' of parenting.

At one end we find parents who, for various reasons, try to make their children's life as easy as possible - just like the student in our story. Some do it by being over-protective, over-indulgent or over-submissive - in other words 'cocooning' their children.

These children grow to be at the easy receiving end of life. They learn to demand privileges but are often bored, passive, or demanding, with low self-esteem and a poor sense of boundaries. Their wings have not been strengthened by the struggle of moving from a minus to a plus situation through their own efforts. Cocooning has made them dependent on others. Cocooning could become a handicap.

If we skip the middle point on the pendulum swing and move to the other end, we find the 'controlling' or 'coercive' parenting style. Control and coercion are relatives of aggression.

Through my work and studies I have found that, very often, parents experience anger, rather than aggression, towards their children. While aggression is often a deliberate attempt to hurt a person physically, emotionally or psychologically, or to destroy property, anger is a temporary emotional state caused by frustration, annoyance, irritation and other exasperating situations children are such experts at creating.

Of course, both uncontrolled anger and aggression are bad models. Author Robert Fulghum once wrote, 'Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you'.

A child's reactions to this controlling/coercive style of parenting can vary from submission/docile obedience to active rebellion/defiance. As we know, children express themselves through their behaviour. Parents who have a rebellious child or adolescent on their hands know what a hot potato it can be. A dominant/submissive relationship between parents and children pushes everybody to the edge. The real difficulty I see here is not the child's rebellion but the adults' lack of skills and knowledge needed to understand the goals of behaviour, and how to redirect negative beliefs/approaches.

Psychiatrist and educator Rudolf Dreikurs aptly summed it up as follows: "Parents can't get along with their children if they assume that their children can be subdued".

There is the middle point on the pendulum swing. The point from which movement or progress begins. The point which is not an extreme but middle ground. This is the way of 'collaboration' and 'co-operation'. A collaborative style of parenting requires, very often, a change in the mindset of parents, a good deal of self-awareness and effort. It is the balance between extreme tenderness and aggression. Collaboration and co-operation are built on mutual respect, responsibility, encouragement, and equality, among other things.

One can call this style the democratic approach. Democracy is an experience. One learns it when one lives it. Harmony can only exist in a society of equals. A democratic approach gives the feeling of belonging. This enhances self-esteem and self-worth.

If we had to a choose which family, school or workplace we would like to belong to, we would choose one that is democratic. It does not have to be left to luck or chance; with thought, training and effort we can make it happen. This is challenge of commitment to bring about a change for the better.

William D. Tammeus, one of the most distinguished, award-winning journalists specialising in religion today, once said of parenting: "You don't really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around - and why his parents will always wave back."

This is part of a paper presented by Ms Callus at the Congress for International Associations of Individual Psychology held in Vilnius, Lithuania, in August 2008.

This year's Adlerian Psychology Summer School will be held between July 19 and 31, in Tennessee, USA.

For further information visit www.icassi.net or e-mail callus@maltanet.net.